need to
Recording ends: March 16, 03:26
Recording begins: March 16, 03:30
OK.
It’s 3.30 now and it feels like my head is sort of starting to clear. I just … Jesus. Seriously. I don’t know if that was the worst nightmare I’ve had since they started but if it wasn’t then I’m just really glad I can’t remember the ones that were worse.
I can still feel it. Does that make sense? Like it was an actual thing, like a physical thing that attached itself to my skin and it feels like I can’t scrape it off. Like if I close my eyes I’ll be back inside it.
I managed to turn the lamp on. It took literally every ounce of bravery I’ve got, but I feel a little bit better now.
I never used to be able to remember dreams, not the good ones or the bad ones. I sometimes had that vague feeling when I woke up that I had been dreaming, because it felt like I wasn’t really as rested as I should have been for the amount of time I’d been asleep, and sometimes there were images I didn’t recognize in my head, like photographs I know I didn’t take, but the dreams themselves, the details, were always gone by the time my eyes opened.
For the last couple of months it hasn’t been like that. At all. And this one was no different. I can remember every single bit of it.
I already know it’s going to sound stupid but right now I don’t give a shit. Like, at all. Because dreams always sound stupid. They don’t translate properly to other people, because they come out of some place deep inside yourself and what’s absolutely fucking terrifying to me probably means absolutely nothing to you, or to anyone else. But I have to get this out. I think it will be less, afterwards. Like it’s diminished or something. I don’t know.
There were trees everywhere. Everywhere. That’s the main thing I remember. I don’t know what they were, or where. Because Central Park is two blocks away I guess it would make sense to assume that was where I was, but I don’t think that’s right. I didn’t see any paths or gardens or anything familiar. And the trees seemed older. Like they were wild, like they had just grown wherever they wanted. I was totally surrounded by them and I remember looking up and seeing the sky, and it was black. Not dark purple or dark grey or dark blue or the pale glowing yellow that always hangs over Manhattan. Proper black.
Pitch black.
I was walking. I don’t think I knew where I was going, or if I did then I’ve forgotten. There’s no logic to dreams, no narrative of A to B to C that makes sense. Or, at least, not that I’ve ever known. Maybe it’s different for some people.
I was walking, and there were trees and the black sky and I sort of knew that I was cold, like I was just sort of aware of it, but it didn’t worry me. I just walked and shivered and walked and I can’t remember actually thinking about anything, or doing anything else. I just walked.
And then
I think
Jesus. Come on, for fuck’s sake. Get your shit together.
Come on
Come on
Recording ends: March 16, 03:33
Recording begins: March 16, 03:35
OK
So
There was something behind me.
I just knew there was, as surely as I know my name and where I live and that if I swing my legs out of bed there’s going be a floor there. It was just a fact. It was behind me, and it was getting closer.
I didn’t look round, because I think I knew that it would catch me if I did. Like that was the rule, like I was fucking Odysseus or something. If I looked round, I would see it right behind me, and I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to know what it was.
But I knew I couldn’t run either. If I ran, then it would definitely catch me. I knew that too, without any doubt at all, the way some things just are. It’s like someone installs the rules of the dream into your head before it starts.
So I kept walking. I was sort of trying to go quicker, like I was going to push the no-running rule as far as I could, but nothing really happened. That’s the worst thing about dreams: that there’s nothing you can do. You’re basically helpless.
I know people talk about realising they’re in a dream while they’re still having it and being able to change things and do whatever they want, but I don’t buy that. I think maybe that’s how they remember them, and maybe that supposed realisation was actually just part of it, like it feels like they were making choices and exercising free will afterwards, once they’re awake, but I don’t think that’s ever actually what happens. I don’t think your consciousness is engaged in dreams. I think they’re like movies with you in them, where you can’t actually change what’s happening. You’re just a passenger along for the ride.
Anyway.
I was walking and it was dark and the thing that was behind me, whatever it was, was getting closer. It didn’t make any sound, it’s not like I heard its footsteps speeding up or anything like that. I just knew it was getting closer. And I knew it was going to catch me. I didn’t know how long it was going to take, or whether there was any way for me to stop it, like I might reach the end of the trees and be safe. It was following me and I was walking and it was getting closer and closer and I was trying to hurry and I didn’t dare look around because I knew what would happen and then I decided to run because I didn’t care anymore I just needed to run because I couldn’t just walk through the trees and wait for it to catch me but my legs wouldn’t do what they were told and I think I screamed then but I’m not really sure and then I knew – I just absolutely knew without any doubt whatsoever – that it was right behind me and that if I reached my hand out behind my head I would touch its skin and then I definitely screamed and I felt something on the back of my neck like its breath or maybe it reached out and touched me with the tips of its fingers and
Recording ends: March 16, 03:37
Recording begins: March 16, 03:42
I’ve been awake for exactly twenty-eight minutes. I went to get a glass of water but my hands were shaking so much that I spilt most of it on my way back from the bathroom.
So. Yeah. I think
I think
I don’t know if I screamed out loud. Probably not, because I guess someone would have woken up. The apartment is all dark and on my way back from the bathroom I stopped outside my parents room and I could hear my dad snoring.
So I guess I only screamed inside my head. It was enough to wake me up, though. My heart was racing in my chest and for the first couple of seconds I couldn’t breathe, just couldn’t breathe at all. It was like someone had tied a belt around my chest and pulled it tight. It was dark and the scream was ringing in my head and I couldn’t see anything and I honestly thought I was dying. I thought my heart had stopped and I thought I was dying and there was a thought in my head, just one thought, going over and over and over.
It got me. I was too slow, and it got me.
Jesus
I’m pretty sure that’s it for sleep for me tonight. Dad’s alarm will go off in about three hours and I’m not moving from this spot until then. The lights are staying on and I’m staying right where I am and I’m not moving until the sun comes up.
I’m done
Recording ends: March 16, 03:44
LAUREN
So I read it. It’s good.
MATT
You