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Advance Praise
“Cover My Dreams in Ink is Jessie Dunleavy’s accounting of—and reckoning with—the life and death of her son Paul, who in 2017 fell victim to the opioid crisis. Partly by using poetry he wrote in his lifetime, Dunleavy searches for answers, fully presenting his life and their relationship, warts and all. It’s a powerful technique, and Cover My Dreams in Ink is a worthy elegy for a young man who never got the chance to fully become himself.”
—Ben Westhoff, award-winning investigative journalist, author of Fentanyl, Inc., How Rogue Chemists Are Creating the Deadliest Wave of the Opioid Epidemic
“Paul was a warm, creative, and loving individual who defied labels. He had many challenges, diagnoses, medications, and, tragically, self-medications. But he also had friends and loved ones, one of whom—his mother, Jessie Dunleavy—has given us this remarkable, searing memoir. Through it, she lets us love Paul, too, and opens our minds and hearts to the struggles of all who cope with disability, alienation, and addiction.”
—Roger Parloff, award-winning journalist, regular contributor to Yahoo Finance and Newsweek, former editor-at-large for Fortune, and former editor-in-chief of Opioid Watch
“Cover My Dreams in Ink is a book with a vital purpose. Jessie Dunleavy’s bravely told story of her son, Paul, relates how he, like so many others, was repeatedly let down by the educational, mental health and addiction treatment systems meant to protect him. It illustrates how stigma and misinformation around drug use greatly exacerbate drug-related harms. And it powerfully shows how his suffering and tragic death fueled her own journey into advocating for the harm reduction interventions, drug policy reforms and attitudinal changes that we desperately need.”
—Will Godfrey, human rights journalist, editor-in-chief of Filter, a contributor to The Nation, Salon, Pacific Standard, former editor-in-chief of TheFix, and founding editor-in-chief of The Influence and Substance.com
“Jessie Dunleavy’s memoir is a riveting reminder of the ultimate toll of the addiction crisis. An honest and relatable tale that hits home for far too many families. Cover My Dreams In Ink is a must read for any person wondering what it’s like to walk a lifetime in the shoes of a loved one suffering.”
—Ryan Hampton, national advocate and bestselling author of American Fix: Inside the Opioid Addiction Crisis--and How to End It
“A gut-wrenching and poignant memoir, Cover My Dreams in Ink, illuminates the multiple forces that, in concert, ultimately doomed Paul’s fight to live, and leaves the reader with a deepened understanding of the tragic reality that Paul’s death, like so many, was preventable, exposing the ways in which the war on drugs and an antiquated treatment ethos are killing people. Paul’s story instills a passion to stand up for the vulnerable and to rail against the multiple barriers to needed reform.”
—Benjamin A. Levenson, Founder, Origins Behavioral Healthcare, substance use disorder treatment expert, international advocate for humanitarian drug policy
“Jessie Dunleavy has written a beautiful memoir about her son Paul who died from a drug overdose at the age of 34. The book is a searing account of the dysfunctional and negligent US drug treatment system that failed her family. The tragedy of Paul’s death made the author into a fierce supporter of harm reduction, an advocate for medication-assisted recovery and an activist against the War on Drugs. The other bonus of Cover My Dreams in Ink is Paul’s poetry—each poem offers a glimpse into his humanity, into a life of loneliness and pain but also one of joy and connection.”
—Helen Redmond, LCSW, expert in substance use, multimedia journalist, senior editor for Filter Magazine, sought after speaker in the US and abroad, adjunct faculty Silver School of Social Work, New York University
Cover
My Dreams
in Ink
Cover
My Dreams
in Ink
A Son’s Unbearable Solitude,
A Mother’s Unending Quest
a memoir
with selected poems
by Paul
Jessie Dunleavy
Copyright © 2020 by Jessie Dunleavy; Poetry © 2020 Paul Dunleavy Reithlingshoefer, used with permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission from the publisher (except by reviewers who may quote brief passages).
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.
First Edition
Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-62720-259-6
Paperback ISBN: 978-1-62720-260-2
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-62720-261-9
Printed in the United States of America
Acquisitions & Editing: Kelly Lyons
Design: Apprentice House Press
Promotion plan: Grace Marino
Cover painting by Taliah Lempert / bicyclepaintings.com
Photo of Paul on back cover: Joe Heimbach
Photo of Jessie on back cover: Ana Fallon
Family wedding-day photo: Phil Sapienza
Published by Apprentice House Press
Apprentice House Press
Loyola University Maryland
4501 N. Charles Street
Baltimore, MD 21210
410.617.5265
www.ApprenticeHouse.com
For Keely
Contents
Author’s Note xiii
Prologue 1
Chapter 1: Pure Gold 5
Chapter 2: “I’m Tired of Letters” 13
Chapter 3: Running Toward Morning’s Doorway 31
Chapter 4: Fighting for Our Rights 49
Chapter 5: Craving Connection 67
Chapter 6: The Hospital 91
Chapter 7: Weight of the World 119
Chapter 8: So Stranded, We Sit 139
Chapter 9: Tangling with the Law 159
Chapter 10: Over the Threshold, Into a New Day 187
Chapter 11: The Cage 199
Chapter 12: Floating Between 219
Chapter 13: Wanderlust 241
Chapter 14: Back to Motherland 257
Chapter 15: Apron Man 273
Chapter 16: Scream In The Wind 291
Chapter 17: Good Night, My Child 305
Epilogue 318
Poetry 335
Acknowledgments 357
About the Author 361
Author’s Note
I HAVE ALWAYS been told that I have a good memory, and I guess I do. I know some studies suggest that the brain transforms stressful or traumatic experiences into more lasting memories, which could account for some of my clarity on the events detailed