The Courage to Surrender
Copyright © 2013 John W.
Published: 10 October 2012
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ISBN: 9781456618902
ASIN: B00AAQ8BPA
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Second Edition
Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, email the author.
In my story, I refer to the people in my life by using different names to protect their privacy. My memoir is written from the heart; consequently, there is no fiction. My name-changing did not compromise the truth of my story.
Contact: [email protected]
Dedication
My memoir is dedicated to sober people everywhere. When death was staring me down, I reached out to them, and they welcomed me with a promise to help me get sober. By the grace of God and the guidance I found in the Alcoholics Anonymous principles and its people, I was able to pass through the gates of recovery. Although I will always be in recovery, the way I’ve rebuilt my life has seen me through eleven years of continuous sobriety. In that time, I have not found a situation where I thought drinking or using would make my life better.
I will be forever grateful to all of you.
The Courage to Surrender
Preface
Unlike the memoir of a celebrity, my story lives with the millions of middleclass kids who passed me a joint and a beer in college and, again, at the corporate picnic. My story is rough around the edges, which is how I lived.
As bad as I may have appeared to people, the true measure of my self-destruction lay hidden on the dark side of my life, behind the American Dream, where my out-of-control behavior was widespread. Even in bad times I went there, as substances always took me to a comfort zone where I could ride out any storm.
My aptitude for computer technology launched a career that, for 40 years, moved me from one job to the challenge and salary of the next job. Being on the corporate high-potential list, I was given the keys to upper management, but I was content living on the edge of my potential.
I wrote my memoir as an example of what happened when I entered the world of alcoholism and drug addiction. It is a story of how my addictions defined who I became for so long I subconsciously accepted doing what I knew was wrong.
The stranglehold chemicals had on me controlled my thoughts and behavior, until Dec. 17, 2001 the day I stared death in the face. I knew that day would arrive but I didn’t know I’d find strength in the surrender of my self-destruction, and enough courage to leave the only life I’d ever known.
The Courage to Surrender
Acknowledgement
I need to acknowledge the value of M. Anne Corbin’s contribution to the development of my memoir. Her edit expertise and “eye of the reader” feedback came together to provide me with a valuable review from a reader’s perspective. Thank you, Anne, for the time and patience you spent working with me on the unforeseen improvement opportunities and for the polishing efforts you’ve gladly put forth. Your involvement showed consistent professionalism in a caring way to produce the best book possible.
The Courage to Surrender
Foreword
Washington, July 15, 2012 (UPI) reported a conservative estimate that between 5.6 million and 8 million older Americans have one or more mental health problems stemming from substance misuse and abuse. Widely published studies lend credibility to the damaged baby boomer dynamic with estimates of 8 million drug users and 6.3 million who drink alcoholically.
The U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) reports that the driving force behind this trend are those people who used drugs when they were younger and never really stopped.
Like the experts, I believe the actual number of baby boomer alcoholics/addicts is probably higher than what is estimated, as many seniors hide in the shadows of old age and go undiagnosed, while 80 percent of those who receive treatment will drink or use again, within 90 days.
Numbers this large are hardly believable, but my story breaks down the mystery from what seems exaggerated, into examples of a generation that took drugs – from junkies in an alley to the upscale neighborhoods where drugs and alcohol flowed with acceptance. My story personalizes millions of baby boomers by describing individual feelings, thoughts and fears that caused a lack of self-discipline in a generation with an out-of-control appetite for alcohol and drugs.
My life of addictions ended on December 17, 2001, but not before my experiences identified a sub-culture of baby boomers who have been thriving in our society for a lifetime. Our age will be our undoing, as every one of us must one day face our mortality – even though we will always want to get high – just one more time.
Chapter~1
1947 – 1965 Born in a Small Town
It started on my eighth birthday as I was walking with two buddies from school to the restaurant where my friends were getting together for a party. We were only a couple streets away, when Ray paused as though he had a brain fart.
“Hey, let’s stop at Abe’s grocery store for a six-pack of beer. I’ll tell him it’s for my ol’ man, so he’ll give it to me for free,” he said.
That was indicative of our little village. Everyone trusted everyone, and people could buy anything by word alone. The business owners would keep tabs on their customer transactions with pencil and paper. Credit meant ‘I don’t have the money, but when payday comes I’ll be over to pay you.’
I was nervous about what beer might do to me, but I didn’t want to argue and risk being left behind. I followed them to Ray’s house.
I remember standing by a yellow chair in the living room rushing to finish my second beer, while the other guys dumped theirs in the sink so they could hurry to the party.
When I arrived at the party, I felt dizzy. It was like the room was spinning, as though the party was happening without me. I’m not sure, but I have mental snap shots of my friends laughing, although I wasn’t laughing with them. Maybe my drunken behavior was funny, I don’t remember.
This being my first taste of alcohol, I felt scared about what would happen next, but I guess that I made it home without incident.
The progression of my drinking was very slow, and I never realized there was anything wrong with me. Back then, all I cared about was laughing, making fun of life, and living every day to its fullest.
I didn’t know I had a life-threatening disease that was developing inside me, even when I wasn’t drinking. Looking back, the symptoms of alcoholism hadn’t become obvious. Except that, when I drank, I could never get enough.
I have come to believe that the innocence of those early beers had kicked off a disease that would affect how I lived the rest of my life.
My story belongs to many recovering alcoholics and drug addicts, except the hole I dug for myself was probably deeper,