class.
“how’s your father” • A boy’s… er… penis (or penid as I thought it was until I was eleven). Well, you wanted to know.
jimjams • Pyjamas. Also pygmies or jammies.
joggerbums • Trousers that you jog in. Jogging trousers.
jumping-jacks • A hellish combination. This is about ten bangers all tied together. When a jumping-jack is lit, not only does it bang A LOT, but it leaps all over the place and chases you about. Banging. Boys think it is hilarious to light them and chuck them into a group of girls. As I have said, boys are weird.
naff • unbearably and embarrassingly out of fashion and nerdy. Naff things are: parents dancing to “modern” music, blue eyeshadow, blokes who wear socks with sandals, pigtails… You know what I mean.
nuddy-pants • Quite literally nude-coloured pants. And you know what nude-coloured pants are? They are no pants. So if you are in your nuddy-pants you are in your no pants (i.e. you are naked).
O-levels • “Ordinary” level exams that perfectly nice teenagers were made to take when they were about fifteen. Now called GCSEs. These exams are of course sadistically timed for the summer months by teachers, etc., who have no life and therefore want to spoil it for everyone else.
one-four-one • The code you dial before a number if you don’t want the person you are calling to be able to trace your number. Like a secrecy code.
Paloma • Paloma is a perfume made up by Paloma Picasso, who is the daughter of the famous artist Picasso. Her dad used to paint people with eyes on their cheeks – he invented this. It is not bad art, apparently, but “abstract”. Anyone could say that about anything that was really crap. They could say, “No, you are mistaken, this is not a really bad drawing of a cow that looks more like a monkey, it is abstract art.” But perhaps I am cynical.
po-faced • a po is a sort of basin thing that goes under your bed, like a bedpan. In the old days very poor people would use a po instead of a lavatory. Then they poured the contents of the po out on to the streets on to innocent passersby. Ergo, “po-faced” means someone who has a face like a lavatory bowl.
poxy • From Olde Englishe. “The pox” was crumbly horrible spots that Olde Englishe people got from not having proper lavatories. Or maybe it was rats. I can’t remember. Anyway, hence the expression “poxy”, meaning horrible.
prat • A gormless oik. You make a prat of yourself by mistakenly putting both legs down one knicker leg or by playing air guitar at pop concerts.
PVC jacket • PVC is that shiny wet-look material that whatshername in The Avengers used to wear about a million years ago. PVC has come back into fashion again, but some things never will. Culottes, for instance, will never be fashionable again; they never were, apart from with Swiss people. I rest my case fashionwise.
Reeves and Mortimer • Reeves and Mortimer are a comedy double act. They are very mad indeed. But I like them.
romper-suit • All-in-one garment that some sadist designed for children. The legs and body and arms are all joined together, which makes it impossible to get on or off. (And in Libby’s case, if she has an accidental poo attack in one, you can imagine the result.)
runner • An escape. Hence the saying, “to do a runner”. To run away.
sandwich spread • Stuff in a jar that looks like throw-up that you spread on bread.
shirty • Flustered and twitchy and coming on all pompous.
stroppy • Stroppy is a very useful expression and is the state between having a nervy b (nervous breakdown) and a tantrum. For instance, you would get stroppy or “throw a strop” if your mum did not let you borrow her Chanel handbag, for no reason other than she says you would lose it. You would not quite have a nervy b because it is after all just a handbag. However, you are perfectly entitled to get stroppy if you can’t have what you want.
swiz • An unfair thing. Another girl gets a boy you like, that is a swiz. One of your friends gets to pierce her navel and your boring vati won’t let you. This is an obvious double swiz.
tosser • A special kind of prat.
TTFN • Ta ta for now. Ta ta means “goodbye”. I think this is a World War II expression like “Chocks away” and “Luftwaffe at 5 o’clock”, but so much of life is a mystery to me, I can’t be absolutely sure on this one.
wally • See “prat”. A wally additionally has no clothes sense.
wet • Drippy, useless, nervy. Lindsay.
whelk • A horrible shellfish thing that only the truly mad (like my granded, for instance) eat. They are unbelievably slimy and mucuslike.
To my dear family: Mutti, Vati, Sophie, Libbs, Hons, Eduardo Delfonso Delgardo, John S, Apee, Francesbirginia and especially Kimbo. Thanks you all for not killing me yet.
Also dedicated to my mates: Salty Dog, Jools, Jedbox, Badger, Elton, Jimjams, Jenks, Phil, Bobbins, Lozzer, the Mogul, Fanny, Dear GeH. MSH, Porky, Morgan, Alan D, Liz G, Tony G, Psychic Sue, Roge the Doge and Barbara D and the Ace Crew from school, Kim and Cock of the North xxxxxx.
An especial thank you to John, the Pope. Where would I have been without your wise advice– “Stop making such a fuss and just get on with it, you silly girl!”?
Heartfelt thanks and sympathy to Brenda, Jude, Emma and all the very fab people at Piccadilly.
And of course to Gillon and Clare– HURRAH!!
Contents
The Sex God has landed…and, er, taken off again
Sunday July 18th
My room
6:00 p.m.
Staring out of my bedroom window at other people having a nice life.
Who would have thought things could be so unbelievably pooey? I’m only fourteen and my life is over because of the selfishosity of so-called grown-ups. I said to Mum, “You are ruining my life. Just because yours is practically over there is no reason to take it out on me.”
But