Radio Boy. Christian O’Connell

our own parents’ evenings? Instead of them sitting down for a cosy chat with our teachers about our efforts, we would sit down with our parents and ‘review’ how they have performed over the year.

      Of course, there wouldn’t be in-depth analysis about their progress in maths, English or science. The subjects up for discussion at this parents’ evening would be a little bit more interesting.

      This would be my dad’s report.

       Dad’s Report

       Subject: Meltdowns

      In science one day, Mr Boron told us about something called DNA. He said it was ‘the code of life’. Every human has genes that make up who we are. I think in my dad’s DNA there must be a MELTDOWN gene. He can be all calm for weeks on end, then all of a sudden, with no warning, something very small will make him explode – like a volcano in slippers.

      Take last week, when he couldn’t find the TV remote control. A weird vein came up on his neck and started throbbing. It looked like an angry worm. Mum told him helpfully to ‘calm down’, which made the worm double in size. He went off like a dad firework.

      ‘REMOTE … MISSING … WHY CAN’T ANYONE JUST PUT IT WHERE IT SHOULD BE? ON THE COFFEE TABLE … I AM CALM, CAROL!