gave a deep sigh and went back to researching Ethan Fox. I didn’t want to risk telling Mum she was wrong about me: I wasn’t capable of anything more than living half a life. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what steps I took to try and move on, grief was never far behind me. It was the harsh little voice in the back of my head, reminding me whenever I felt happy that the man I loved wasn’t here to share my life any more. Every happy moment, every good thing that happened, he was missing out on it.
My fingers drummed loudly against the keyboard, the rhythmic tap-tap-tapping fighting to compete with the clamouring voices in my brain telling me something had to change. I’d been feeling like that more and more lately, like it was time to take some steps to live my life again. Since Jamie died, I’d felt so out of step with the world, like it was operating on a completely different wavelength to me. Things couldn’t stay as they were; I wasn’t really living my life any more. In fact, I wondered if I’d even remember how to live, if given the chance. It was like my life had been on pause for the last three years, with nothing changing or moving forward.
Mum’s voice broke through my thoughts.
‘Listen… I-I’ve got something to show you. I was going to leave it until Christmas Day, but you know what I’m like.’
She got out her phone, pulled her glasses down off her head and squinted at the screen, tapping it until she found what she was looking for.
‘Take a look at that,’ she said, passing the phone to me.
I looked down and saw a beautiful, luxury Caribbean hotel on the screen. It was called Beach Paradise Resort and Spa; apparently, it was a four-star resort that had six swimming pools, all with pool bars, a choice of restaurants and a state-of-the-art spa that offered everything from shiatsu massages to facials.
‘That looks nice,’ I replied. ‘Are you thinking of booking it for you and Dad? Or maybe a girls’ holiday with some of your friends?’
Mum’s smile shrank a little and her brow furrowed. ‘No, darling, I…I’ve booked it for me and you. I thought we could have a girly holiday this Christmas. I know how much you hate celebrating it, so I thought a change of scenery away from the festivities would do you good. We’d leave on the last flight on Christmas Eve and come back on the third of January. How does that sound?’
My head instantly snapped up and my mouth dropped open in disbelief. ‘You did what? Mum, that’s… You really didn’t have to do that.’
Her gaze fell to the floor and she sighed. ‘Alice, for the last three years, you’ve absolutely hated Christmas and it’s killed me to see you so sad. You used to love getting involved with it all, but I know it’s been too painful since Jamie died. I know it was his favourite time of year.’
I nodded, tears stinging the backs of my eyes. ‘Yeah, he loved everything about it. It just hasn’t felt right celebrating without him.’
Mum’s eyes sparkled with tears, but she managed to hold them back. ‘I know, love. That’s why I thought getting away from it all would help this year. You could enjoy yourself for once instead of dreading it like you have done since you lost him.’
I shook my head. ‘I’ll still be thinking about Jamie though, whether I’m here or sunning myself on a beach. It’s a lovely idea, Mum, and I really appreciate it, but I think I’ll just do my best to avoid it like I’ve done for the last three.’
My stomach wrenched as I looked at the hotel; it wouldn’t have come cheap and Mum and Dad weren’t exactly flush with cash. She’d spent money she probably didn’t have to try and help me through the most difficult time of the year.
‘I-I’ll pay you back the money you spent on it,’ I said. ‘I don’t want you being out of pocket because of me.’
‘I’m not worried about the money, Alice, I’m worried about you. I don’t want to see you spending another Christmas holed up in here thinking about Jamie. That’s why I booked the holiday, so you wouldn’t have to do that.’
I saw the look of hurt on her face and my insides twisted. She’d seen me through some incredibly dark times and was trying to do something lovely for me. My eyes fell back to the hotel on Mum’s phone screen. It didn’t look too bad, I supposed. The choice of restaurants sounded nice, and the rooms looked gorgeous too. Maybe Christmas on the beach wasn’t such a bad idea after all. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. It was the most difficult time of year for me, and spending it somewhere else might be a good thing.
‘OK,’ I said, holding my hands up, ‘I’ll think about it, but I want to do something to earn it. You pick whatever you want and I’ll do it.’
A mischievous glint made Mum’s eyes sparkle. ‘Well it’s got to be the panto, hasn’t it? You could give Luna Bay a performance they’ll never forget!’
Oh no, I thought, anything but that.
‘How did I know you were going to say that?’ I rolled my eyes and managed a weak smile. ‘Please, Mum, is there anything else I could do? I haven’t been involved with theatre since Jamie died and I can’t go back now.’
‘Well you did say I could pick,’ she replied. ‘If you really feel like it’ll be too painful for you, then don’t do it, but I’d really like to see you going back to acting. You were so talented, Alice, and you absolutely loved it.’
A ghost of a memory came back to me: I was performing Hairspray on Broadway, playing Penny. As I sang and danced and acted my heart out, I could hear the laughter and applause, feeling the theatre’s electric atmosphere ensnare my senses. I felt a pang of longing that I hadn’t felt in so long. The passion was still there, lurking at the back of my mind, but it just hadn’t felt right doing it without Jamie.
‘The theatre was Jamie’s and my space,’ I said with a sad sigh. ‘We loved performing together and I… I don’t know if I want to do it without him.’
‘Do you really think he’d want you to give up on your passion just because he’s not here any more?’ Mum placed her hand on top of mine. ‘He loved you, Alice, and he’d want you to keep doing the things you love. Getting involved with the theatre again doesn’t mean you’re betraying him; it just means you’re starting to build up your life again.’
I thought of the voices inside my head, telling me something had to change. Maybe this was it, I thought, the decisive moment where I could either consign myself to being sad for ever or make a crucial leap.
‘OK,’ I said, stalling for time. ‘How about I agree to talk to Christabel about joining the panto? If she’s got anything I think I could help with, I’ll do it. If not, then we come up with some other way for me to earn my trip.’
A smile played on Mum’s lips and she shook her head. ‘Nice try, but she’s got tons of roles going, behind the scenes and on stage. She’s scared half the village away over the years and now, hardly anyone will work with her. I don’t care whether you help with the costumes or play the bloody fairy godmother, just take part. I know you’d rather have your teeth pulled without anaesthetic, but I think it’ll be really good for you. Just think, a few weeks of your time and you’ll get a trip to somewhere lovely and hot. What do you say?’
‘OK, OK, you win! I’ll talk to Christabel tomorrow.’
Oh God, Alice, what are you letting yourself in for?
*
Approaching Christabel for a role in her pantomime was like approaching a sleeping dragon: incredibly dangerous with a pretty high risk of getting yourself burned.
However, the day after making my deal with Mum, I prepared to do just that. I saw Christabel in the Moonlight Café, having tea with her select group of friends. I guessed they were taking advantage of Diane’s delicious high tea that was only served on Sundays. They all looked vaguely nervous and from what I could see, their teacups shook whenever they picked them up. I guessed