in the field chasing something.
“Is this our dog?” Lindsey reached past him to pet the dog.
“Yes, this is Sam.”
“Did you have him when I was little?”
“No, we had another dog. He was old.” Blake couldn’t help thinking about that dog, Bobby, and how he’d followed Lindsey everywhere. Jana had always been worried about germs and dirt. But Lindsey had loved him. Bobby, a blue heeler, had loved her, and if she walked a little too far away from the house he’d herd her back to them.
She’d had a dog, a cat and a pony, and she would have had cousins to play with.
As anger pushed its way in, he took a deep breath. Lindsey was petting Sam, and Jana was dragging suitcases up to the front porch that ran the length of the house.
“Let me help you.” He gave the dog a warning glance before stepping away. Jana relinquished one of the suitcases.
“You’re not supposed to carry anything heavy,” she warned as she dragged the largest suitcase to the front door.
Blake took the handle from her. “Open the door, Jana. I think I can manage to drag a suitcase in the house.”
She shook her head but she opened the door. She wouldn’t look at him, but her hand brushed at her cheeks again. He followed her inside. It felt good to be home. The floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room let in the early-afternoon light. The house smelled clean. It looked as if he’d just been here. But he knew that the only ones who’d been here were his brothers, feeding animals and checking on the place while Blake stayed in Tulsa with Lindsey. And Jana.
He’d been released from the hospital a few short days after the surgery. Lindsey had been kept longer, to make sure there were no signs of rejection.
Jana had walked away from him. He leaned the suitcases against the wall and followed. She was standing in the dining room looking out the window, appearing to really enjoy the view of the Oklahoma fields.
“Jana?”
She shook her head but she couldn’t face him. Her hand came up again, swiping at her cheek. She sniffled. He let out a long sigh, because he wasn’t sure if he was ready to pretend the past ten years hadn’t happened.
There had been times in the past couple of weeks that it had felt right, having Jana and Lindsey back in his life. Talking, sharing moments, and he’d thought that maybe they could go back to the way things were.
Then he’d look at his daughter, now almost thirteen, and he would think about all of the lost years.
From the front porch he heard Lindsey’s laughter, the dog’s high-pitched bark. Jana was leaning against the window, hugging herself tight as her shoulders shook.
His heart gave in a little. “She’s going to be fine.”
“I know she is. But—” she shrugged “—I did this to her. I took her away from here, from her family.”
“She’s happy, Jana. I guess you can’t miss out on something you’ve never known.”
She turned to face him, wiping away the last traces of tears as the front door banged shut and Lindsey called out, asking where they’d gone to.
“I hope you’re right, because I don’t want to lose her.” Jana stepped past him, smiling at their daughter. “I think you should probably take a nap.”
Lindsey’s gaze flew to Blake. “I just got here. I’m not tired.”
“You’ve had a long day.”
“But I want to see the horses and the stables. Nan said I could come over when I got back.”
“Right, and you will do all of that, Lindsey. But not today. Today you rest.” Jana’s voice was strong again.
“What do you think, Blake?”
Blake didn’t know how to step in, what role to fill. For years he’d been a single man searching for his family. How did he suddenly become the father? After years of parenting alone, would Jana let him take that place? How did a man step in as a father after years of being absent from his daughter’s life?
His daughter looked his way, wanting him to be on her side.
“Lindsey, I think you should listen to your mom. As a matter of fact, I’ll probably head home for a nap myself.” He heard himself say the words with the strong, fatherly voice he’d learned from his own dad. He knew how the job was done, even if he was years out of practice.
“Home?” Lindsey looked from him to her mother. “Isn’t this your home?”
Both Jana and Lindsey looked at him with questions in their eyes.
“It is my home, but for the time being, it’s where you and your mom will stay. I’m staying at the ranch with my parents.”
“Why aren’t you staying here?”
“Because,” he said, wondering if that was a good enough answer. He’d heard parents say it. Because I said so. Lindsey didn’t look like a kid who would accept things just because he said so.
“Because...?” Lindsey looked determined, her chin raised a notch.
Jana smiled at him now, humor flickering in her blue eyes. Yeah, of course she was amused. He almost smiled back. And smiling was the last thing he wanted to do when it came to Jana.
“Because your mom and I aren’t married, Lindsey.” He saw the surprise on Jana’s face. Had it never occurred to her that he would file for divorce?
“But you were. And this is your house.”
“Yes, this is my house. It’s a complicated situation, so for now we’ll just deal with it one day at a time.”
Lindsey walked away, back to the living room. She looked around the big open room and eventually settled in a chair by the window. He would give her anything. But he couldn’t give her two parents who were going to live together. He wanted her to have what he’d had growing up—two parents, a big family.
“Lindsey, you have to understand.” Jana sat on the sofa close to the chair where her daughter sat curled up.
“I do understand.” Lindsey didn’t cry but her voice wobbled. “I understand that I don’t have a family. I understand that you might decide in the next few weeks that we’re not staying here, either. Because we never get to stay anywhere. I’m tired of leaving places, and friends. Most of all, I don’t want to lose my dad again.”
Blake’s thoughts exactly. He brushed a hand through his hair and sank into the leather recliner that he hadn’t spent enough time sitting in. Come to think of it, he rarely spent time in this house. There were too many memories here. Memories of a marriage that had once been amazing, and then quickly over. All in a matter of a few years. He had memories of waving goodbye to his daughter, then of coming home to nothing.
He didn’t blame Lindsey for her anger, for her mistrust. His gaze settled on Jana. She’d bitten down on her bottom lip and pain settled in her eyes.
“We’re not leaving.” Jana’s voice was tight but determined. “I’m not going to do that to you again.”
“But you didn’t like it here before.” Lindsey said the words he’d been thinking.
He remembered Jana telling him in the weeks before she left that she felt suffocated in Dawson, suffocated by his family and by church.
No matter how he felt about Jana, he could deal with it. He had dealt with it for years. He’d managed to work past his anger. Now his job was to help his daughter feel secure.
“Your mom won’t leave, Lindsey.” He sat forward. “She loves you and she won’t leave. We have to trust her.”
He had to trust her. For Lindsey’s sake.