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Preface
Why are there so many books about getting into relationships, maintaining them and improving them? About how to impress, how to seduce, how to have sex… We find only a few books, maybe no book at all, about how to end a relationship… True, there are heaps of books about the causes and the statistics of divorces, lots of legal advice, hundreds of tips about how to avoid a divorce and how to get over its consequences. But no one has written about the event, the actual break-up.
This book mainly deals with the end of a relationship between a man and a woman, whether short-lived or long-lived, regardless of whether one is officially married or not. Problems of this kind also occur with people of the same sex. And everything is quite the same in the case of other possible relationships.
We talk here about the true end of a relationship. Concerning problems of the official drawing up the document, registering the divorce and the juridical questions in connection with, other sources, such as lawyers and advisers should be consulted.
Marriage and human relations are not derogated here. Every relationship has its sunny side, but unfortunately also a darker one. And as relations come to an end due to this darker side, let us take a glimpse at it. Nothing, neither living together nor getting divorced, is completely good or bad.
It may even be that all marriages end with a kind of divorce. At the same time, nearly all adults get married, re-marry after a divorce.
Perhaps it is not even worth mentioning that in different cultures and at different times marriage and divorce have been understood very differently. There have been a variety of attitudes. Not to mention differences in individual attitudes.
Maybe it seems to you that in the relationships of men and women it is the men who mostly want to break up. Actually it is mostly the women who do and increasingly so with the increase in the educational level of women. This book, however, is meant for all people, men and women, who want to change their lives.
There are no common nor general solutions. People are different, and their relationships are different. But this small book can perhaps be of some help to everyone.
If there is nothing left to try, learn to say ‘good-bye’.
Introduction
All was confusion in the Oblonski house.
It seems as if you have been slogging through thick mud. Seeing or hearing nothing, tormented by feelings. Now it is hot, now freezing cold. You understand nothing but you seem to want something all the time. Every movement hurts or, on the contrary, causes sharp pleasure. For both of you. Neither can get away. One can hardly calm down and rise to the surface when the other comes and presses him/her back into the mud.
A woman has described those feelings thus:
If you have put your heart, your feelings into it, when you have been humiliated and oppressed and trampled on and treated ironically you are not going use silk gloves in the end; you DO NOT WANT TO “stop hurting him”: there is nothing soft in the play anymore. Quite the contrary, you want to hit him, hit as hard and as painfully as you can. Love is always vulnerable and if you have been hurt, hurt to the bottom of your soul and several times and he does it with pleasure, you want to hurt him back. Even if there is no trace of love any more, the feeling of being offended remains and thousands of small things tend to get on your nerves, not to mention the situation where you have to share your living space with a person who has become your worst enemy.
That's the way it is. Living together can change life into the deepest hell imaginable. And, in such a situation, people may do awful things they never would do normally. We can read about them in newspapers and police records: murders of passion, arson, suicide, beatings, rapes, injuries…
An Australian policeman told me that the most dangerous situations always occur when he is asked to come to sort out a family quarrel. They are completely unpredictable. Is anyone armed? Is anyone hiding somewhere? Will anyone attack you? You have to be ready for anything. No rules, no logic.
Horrible, cruel, awful, depressing…
Is it the marriage we wanted?
– No, this is not a good question.
Is it possible to get out of this hell?
– This is better.
And the answer?
– Yes, it is possible, but not easy for anybody.
Let's first take a look at our needs.
Five needs
One of the best-known classifications of sociological and biological needs comes from Abraham Maslow. According to that classification, the hierarchy of human needs is the following:
• physiological needs: need for air, water, food, warmth, sleep and sex;
• safety needs: a need to be protected;
• need for love and belonging: a need to belong to some group important to the person and to feel cared for and loved;
• need for esteem: the need to be recognized by other people;
• need for self-actualization: the need to achieve according to a person’s abilities, skills and knowledge.
This is usually depicted in the form of a pyramid: physiological needs form the basis and the need for self-actualization is at the top. To meet the next need, the lower needs have to be satisfied. You cannot be successful when you are not esteemed. You are not esteemed if you do not belong anywhere. You cannot belong anywhere if you are afraid. You cannot feel safe if you are dissatisfied, thirsty, hungry or too tired.
There are hundreds of millions of people in the world trying to realise themselves, waiting for recognition, wanting to belong somewhere, but not succeeding. Why? Because their basic needs are unsatisfied. After they are satisfied, you can move on to the next level.
Satisfying one’s needs is happiness. You are happy if you have good health, if you are rested, fresh and satisfied. You are happy if you feel secure, undisturbed and comfortable. You are even happier when you know that you are cared for and counted on. You are still happier when you are recognized, praised and needed. And you are the happiest when you can realise yourself, do what you want, achieve something, progress, etc.
Three spheres
All right. We know our needs. We also know that those needs must be met in order to live happily.
Alas, this is not always possible. Why? – For a very simple reason. Because we lack suitable conditions for meeting our vital needs.
To be able to realise ourselves truly and enjoy our lives, we should first of all take care of the necessary conditions. And those conditions are generally divided into three spheres:
• health
• well-being
• love.
Health involves both the body and the mind. You are not healthy if you have a cold or a headache. You do not feel healthy if you feel cold or sweat too much. Even poor eyesight or itchy skin can show that your health is not good.
But health also means mental health. I am not just talking about mental illnesses, such as paranoia, schizophrenia, neuroses and psychoses. Your mental health is also poor when you worry constantly, when you are nervous, when you are in a hurry or forget too much.
You are not mentally healthy when depressed, when you get angry or irritated too easily, when you are aggressive in words or in actions, when you get offended too often, or quarrel too often. And your mental health is most certainly damaged when you use alcohol, nicotine or any other drugs to deal with your life.
Well-being, another necessity, does not mean great affluence but above all economic independence. At least you need a roof over your head, a suitable place to live in and food. A bit of privacy and security would not be bad either.
The level of well-being we are pleased with depends