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Next Door Neighbours: A Comedy; In Three Acts
PROLOGUE,
To Puff, or not to Puff – that is the Question —
Puff by all means, say I, it helps digestion.
To prove my maxim true, pray read the Papers —
From Quacks of State, to those who cure the Vapours.
You'll find them, one and all, puff high their skill,
Tho' nine in ten, are oft'ner found to kill. —
Yet Puff's the word, which gives at least a name,
And oftener gains the undeserving Fame:
Or wherefore read we of Lord Fanny's Taste,
Of me– an Actor —wonderfully chaste!
And yet so squeamish is our Lady elf,
She'd rather die – than paragraph herself;
So fix'd on me – the Prologue speaking Hack,
To stop, with Puff-direct, the Critic Pack,
And who so harmless as our present Bard,
Claiming no greater or distinct reward,
Than what from free Translation is her due,
Which here in fullest trust she leaves to you:
With this remark – Who own their Debts with pride,
Are well entitled to the Credit Side.
And as for those with whom she makes so free
They'll ne'er complain of English Liberty;
But glory to behold their Tinsel shine,
Through the rich Bullion of the English Line.
Fear then avaunt! Trust to a British Jury —
With them, an honest Verdict I'll ensure you:
Let Echo catch the sound – 'Tis Pratte1 enacts,
You're Judges of the Law, as well as Facts.
On this she rests her Cause, and hopes to find,
As Friends, and Next Door Neighbours, you'll be kind;
At least, this only punishment ensue,
A Frown– and that's severe enough, from you.
Thus puff'd– I freely to the Court commit her,
Not doubting, as a Woman, you'll acquit her —
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ
ACT I
SCENE I. An Antichamber at Sir GeorgeSplendorville's, adjoining a Ball-room
Come, come, is not every thing ready? Is not the ball-room prepared yet? It is past ten o'clock.
We have only to fix up the new chandelier.
I'll have no new chandelier.
My master said the last ball he gave, the company were in the dark.
And if you blind them with too much light, they will be in the dark still.
The musicians, sir, wish for some wine.
What, before the ball begins? No, tell them if they are tipsy at the end of it, it will be quite soon enough.
You are always so cross, Mr. Bluntly, when my master is going to have company.
Have not I a right to be cross? For while the whole house is in good humour, if there was not one person cross enough to take a little care, every thing would be wasted and ruined through extreme good temper. (A man crosses the stage.) Here, you – Mister – Pray are you the person who was sent with the chandelier?
Yes, sir.
Then please to take it back again – We don't want it.
What is your objection to it, sir?
It will cost too much.
Mr. Bluntly, all the trades-people are more frightened at you than at your master. – Sir George, Heaven bless him! never cares how much a thing costs.
That is, because he never cares whether he pays for it or not – but if he did, depend upon it he would be very particular. Tradesmen all wish to be paid for their ware, don't they?
Certainly, sir.
Then why will they force so many unnecessary things, and make so many extravagant charges as to put all power of payment out of the question?
How do you do, Mrs. Evans? [Sullenly.
What makes you sigh, Mr. Bluntly?
What makes you smile?
To see all the grand preparations for the ball this evening. I anticipate the joy my lady will take here, and I smile for her.
And I sigh for my master. – I foresee all the bills that will be brought in, for this evening's expence, and I anticipate the sorrow it will one day be to him.
But consider, Mr. Bluntly, your master has my lady's fortune to take.
Yes, but I consider he has your lady to take along with it; and I prophecy one will stick by him some time after the other is gone.
For shame. – My lady, I have no doubt, will soon cure Sir George of his extravagance.
It will then be by taking away the means. – Why, Lady Caroline is as extravagant as himself.
You are mistaken. – She never gives routs, masquerades, balls, or entertainments of any kind.
But she constantly goes to them whenever she is invited.
That, I call but a slight imprudence. – She has no wasteful indiscretions like Sir George.
For instance, she never makes a lavish present.
No, but she takes a lavish present, as readily as if she did.
And surely you cannot call that imprudence?
No, I call it something worse.
Then, although she loves gaming to distraction, and plays deep, yet she never loses.
No, but she always wins – and that I call something worse.
Here's the company. Will you permit me, Mr. Bluntly, to stand in one corner, and have a peep at them?
If you please. (Rapping again.) What spirit there is in that, Rat, tat, tat, tat. – And what life, frolic,