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A Widow’s Story A MEMOIR Joyce Carol Oates In memory of my husband Raymond Smith Oh God—you are going to be so unhappy. —Gail Godwin I am very sorry to learn that Ray died a couple of weeks ago. When someone I loved died I found it helpful to remind myself that this person was not less real because she wasn’t real now, just as people in New Zealand aren’t less real because they aren’t real here. —Derek Parfit When my mother died I adopted the Gestalt technique of saying to myself, whenever there was a surge of grief, “I choose to have a mother who is dead.” —T. D., a former colleague at the University of Windsor One breath at a time, Joyce. One breath at a time. —Gloria Vanderbilt Contents Part I: The Vigil Chapter 1 - The Message Chapter 2 - Car Wreck Chapter 3 - The First Wrong Things Chapter 4 - “Pneumonia” Chapter 5 - Telemetry Chapter 6 - E-mail Record Chapter 7 - E. coli Chapter 8 - Hospital Vigil(s) Chapter 9 - Jasmine Chapter 10 - Vigil Chapter 11 - E-mail Record Chapter 12 - Memory Pools Chapter 13 - “I’m Not Crying for Any Reason” Chapter 14 - The Call Part II: Free Fall Chapter 15 - “The Golden Vanity” Chapter 16 - Yellow Pages Chapter 17 - The Arrow Chapter 18 - E-mail Record Chapter 19 - Last Words Chapter 20 - “You’ve Said Good-bye” Chapter 21 - Double Plot Chapter 22 - Cat Pee Chapter 23 - Probate Chapter 24 - “Sympathy Gift Basket” Chapter 25 - The Betrayal Chapter 26 - The Artisans Chapter 27 - E-mail Record Part III: The Basilisk Chapter 28 - “Beady Dead Eyes Like Gems” Chapter 29 - The Lost Husband Chapter 30 - “How Are You?” Chapter 31 - “Bells for John Whiteside’s Daughter” Chapter 32 - The Nest Chapter 33 - Ghost Rooms Chapter 34 - E-mail Record Chapter 35 - Fury! Chapter 36 - Oasis Chapter 37 - Bruised Knees Chapter 38 - A Dream of Such Happiness! Chapter 39 - “We Want to See You Soon” Chapter 40 - Moving Away Chapter 41 - “Won’t Be Seeing You for a While” Chapter 42 - “Can’t Find You Where Are You” Chapter 43 - “I Am Sorry to Inform You” Part IV: Purgatory, Hell Chapter 44 - “Neither Joyce Nor I Can Come to the Phone Right Now” Chapter 45 - The Military Order of the Purple Heart Chapter 46 - In Motion! Chapter 47 - In Motion!—“Still Alive” Chapter 48 - In Motion! —“Mouth of the Rat” Chapter 49 - In Motion!— “The Wonder Woman of American Literature” Chapter 50 - In Motion!— “You Can’t Sit There” Chapter 51 - “Never Forget” Chapter 52 - The Widow’s Secret Chapter 53 - Congratulations! I Chapter 54 - Congratulations! II Chapter 55 - E-mail Record Chapter 56 - The Cache Chapter 57 - Morbidity Studies Chapter 58 - The Intruder Part V: “You Looked So Happy” Chapter 59 - Too Soon! Chapter 60 - “Leaving Las Vegas” Chapter 61 - “The Unlived . . .” Chapter 62 - Cruel Crude Stupid “Well-Intentioned” Chapter 63 - “If . . .” Chapter 64 - “Never, Ever That Again” Chapter 65 - The “Real World” Chapter 66 - Little Love Story Chapter 67 - Tulips Chapter 68 - Please Forgive! Chapter 69 - “Happy, and Excited” Chapter 70 - Blood in the Water! Chapter 71 - Walking Wounded Chapter 72 - Dead Woman Walking Chapter 73 - Taboo Chapter 74 - “Ashamed to Be ‘White’ ” Chapter 75 - It Made No Difference Chapter 76 - Sinkholes Chapter 77 - The Garden Chapter 78 - The Pilgrimage Chapter 79 - “You Looked So Happy” Chapter 80 - Black Mass I Chapter 81 - Black Mass II Chapter 82 - “Good Girl!” Chapter 83 - The Resolution Chapter 84 - “Did Ray Like Swing?” Chapter 85 - “Title” Chapter 86 - “Your Husband Is Still Alive” Epilogue
