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To my daughters, Susie and Laura, who have taught me so much about assertiveness.
Contents
Be Assertive – Poster
Acknowledgements
Note to 2014 Edition
Introduction
Part One: Ideas and Theory of Assertiveness Training
Chapter 1: Arguments for Assertiveness
Chapter 2: The Essence of Assertiveness
Chapter 3: Knowing Your Rights
Chapter 4: The Art of Being Positive
Chapter 5: Fundamental Assertive Skills
Chapter 6: Self-Protective Skills
Chapter 7: Getting Prepared
Part Two: Practical Work
Chapter 8: Practical Work on Chapter 1 – Arguments for Assertiveness
Chapter 9: Practical Work on Chapter 2 – The Essence of Assertiveness
Chapter 10: Practical Work on Chapter 3 – Knowing Your Rights
Chapter 11: Practical Work on Chapter 4 – The Art of Being Positive
Chapter 12: Practical Work on Chapter 5 – Fundamental Assertive Skills
Chapter 13: Practical Work on Chapter 6 – Self-Protective Skills
Chapter 14: Practical Work on Chapter 7 – Getting Prepared
Chapter 15: Some Suggestions for Further Study
By the same author
Other Titles in This Series
List of Searchable Terms
Copyright
About the Publisher
| Compromise | only if it’s reasonable to do so |
| Open | and be honest |
| Negotiate | firmly and wisely |
| Fair | to you as well as others! |
| Innovate | don’t wait for others – or fate |
| Direct | and clear in your speech |
| Expressive | show your feelings when appropriate |
| Non-verbal | use your body and beware of hidden messages |
| Chance | take risks |
| Empower | everyone! |
Most importantly, I would like to thank all the people who have attended my courses and given me such helpful and constructive feedback.
I would also like to thank Robert Adams for so willingly helping me to prepare the final text for publication.
Finally, I must thank my husband for his constant encouragement and challenge to my own assertiveness!
Although I wrote this book several years ago, it still offers a very good introduction to the subject, and the exercises will still work well for both individuals and self-help groups. The world, however, has changed quite dramatically since the book was written. The pace of life has become very much faster and more competitive for most people. As a consequence, personal stress has become a major mental and physical health issue. Assertiveness is a skill that we now need perhaps more than ever. When used in important situations – and in relationships that are diminishing or threatening our personal resources of time and emotional and physical energy – it is invaluable. For those of you who are still novices at using these techniques, you may be surprised to hear that I now would like to make a plea for the usefulness of passivity!
When I first wrote this book most people didn’t even know what the word ‘assertiveness’ meant. Now almost everyone does and assertive behaviour is generally expected of us all – not just at work, but also in our personal relationships. Over the last few years I have seen many people tire themselves needlessly by being too assertive all of the time! Once your self-esteem and self-confidence are in good shape, you might naturally find yourself letting many minor put-downs and unfair situations pass by without a challenge. But even if they are still shaky, remember that you can also decide to be passive from time to time, especially if you are tired or stressed. If you later decide that the issue is one that is important to you, you can always use your assertive skills to bring it up again. You will undoubtedly handle it better when you have had time to reflect and recoup your energy.
This book is based on an Assertiveness Training Programme which I used with a variety of groups over many years. It is, by no means, a definitive model either for myself or anyone else. It can and should be adapted, abridged, expanded – or indeed abandoned according to your own individual needs. In writing it, I have aimed to provide the following:
1. A Concise, Simple Account of the Theory and Principles
– as they are applicable to both men and women living within our Western culture.
Much of Assertiveness Training is concerned with changing or adapting our values, ideas and philosophy. Often we are unassertive merely because we think that it is wrong to be assertive. These thoughts may be quite deeply rooted in our minds as they are often placed there in early childhood and are embedded in the values of our culture. Our first task must, therefore, be to ‘reprogramme’ our minds by replacing the old unassertive values and thoughts with a more positive philosophy. From my own personal experience and the experience of people on my courses it seems that the repetition