with moving sensitivity, reaching out to the extended family, as well as being resourceful. Depending on the situation, the support needs to extend through the months ahead, and it can be some time before life is back to anything resembling normal. Although no one would ever wish for such tragedies, they can bind together a community, reaffirm our humanity and remind everyone of a school’s role in giving hope, even in the face of grief and adversity.
Sibling rivalry
Children frequently learn about emotions through their relationships with their siblings. Issues of conflict, friendship, social skills and, above all, how to form relationships with others are developed in childhood and can have far-reaching consequences for your daughter throughout her childhood, teenage years and indeed whole life. Sibling rivalry can last into adulthood and can be acted out over and over again in future relationships. Therefore, as parents it is important to consider your actions and how your behaviour impacts upon your daughter and your other children. This is why it is essential for parents to demonstrate consistency within the rules and structure of a family and to avoid favouring any one child.
Noel Janis-Norton, cited in Cassandra Jardine’s How to be a Better Parent, believes that sibling rivalry is natural, and indeed even beneficial, in ensuring that children learn to share, take turns, learn tolerance and know how to handle disagreements. She advises parents not to intervene in sibling squabbles, but to tell children to take their arguments elsewhere and sort out the problem themselves, alongside the basic rule that no throwing is allowed so that nothing can be turned into a weapon of any kind! This may sound like radical advice, but children do need to learn the skills to sort out their own problems and need to learn how to resolve an argument amicably. If an argument becomes too great and there is violence and real aggression, then try doing as schools do – get the children together, with you as a facilitator, and spend some time talking through the disagreement, listening to your children and helping them to listen to each other, resolve the argument and apologise to one another.
As a parent, it is important to make time for each individual child and to give her quality time with you, ideally doing something you both enjoy. If you treat your children as individuals in their own right, they will have less need to compete for your attention with their siblings.
A new sibling
The first child is always the trailblazer, but she is also the one with whom parents first learn how to be parents. New parents are often anxious with their first child and perhaps also a touch overindulgent. It is important to teach your first child to be self-reliant, to learn how to play by herself and how to enjoy her own company. When you know you are going to have a new sibling for your firstborn, ensure that you prepare her for this. Then, once her sibling is born, give your older child even more attention so that she does not feel marginalised.
All siblings need to be treated as individuals and have their different temperaments recognised and appreciated. Older siblings will often take on the role of the teacher/helper. An older sister can often be bossier than her siblings and enjoys telling her younger brothers and/or sisters what to do. She may continue this role into later life.
The second child is less likely to get as much attention as the first and has to adapt more readily to her role as the additional child within the family. This tends to mean that the second child can be more amenable and tolerant than the older sibling. She has to fit in with the already established routines of the family and she also learns very early on that there is another child with needs and requirements.
The rules around consistency are key here. It is imperative that you ensure your daughter knows which behaviour is acceptable and which behaviour is not and that you are firm and clear about this. For example, if your toddler bites her new sibling, you may choose to punish her by giving her a ‘time out’ on the naughty step. However, older toddlers may like to be helpful and can be keen to assist by bringing you things to help you with the baby. Do ensure that you make time for both your children – for example, while feeding the new baby, you could read a story to your toddler. There are many books on this subject (e.g. New Toddler Taming, by Christopher Green) and your health visitor can also offer useful advice.
Try to continue to give quality time to each of your children. It is hard work, and some quality time for the adults doesn’t go amiss either.
Older children
As your children grow older and reach school age, family patterns can become even more entrenched. The squabbles and fights between children will continue and can be over all sorts of things: television watching, toy ownership or whose turn it is to use the computer. As the parent, you must ensure that the rules are clear to the children – rules about bedtime, television watching and computer access – and you must ensure that your sanctions are consistent. Work with your partner so that the children know not to play you off against one another. Children will cleverly look for any chinks in their parents’ armour – unite with your partner so that the children know that the adults remain in charge.
Younger children often mimic older ones. So, for example, in a family with more than two children, where there are teenagers beginning to push the boundaries, with different rules because of their ages, a younger sibling may begin to feel that she, too, should be allowed to do the same. As a parent, you need to make it clear that the older children have privileges because of their ages, and that she has different rules.
Your children are all different from one another and you need to celebrate those differences while maintaining harmony within the family. Simple in theory, but in practice, there will be arguments, fights and jealousies and these are part of normal family life. Consistency at all times and quality time for each individual child are essential.
Consistency and communication
As in any relationship – parent to child or parent to parent – of key concern is communication. Parents need always to maintain communication with their children as well as with one another. Parents need to try to remain impartial when there is sibling conflict, while retaining sensitivity to the needs of each individual child. They also need to be aware that the dynamic within the nuclear family affects each relationship within it as well as all the relationships that will stem from it in the future.
Struggling?
There are numerous ways in which you can gain extra help or support with your children. Your first port of call is likely to be your partner, parents or close friends. Do talk to them and ask for advice. Also, read widely, talk to your friends with children of a similar age and scour websites, such as www.MyDaughter. co.uk or www.Mumsnet.com. Perhaps attend a parenting class if you are finding parenting difficult. Finally, if you find that sibling rivalry within your family is having a detrimental impact on you all, ask your GP to refer you to a family therapist for some help and support.
Although relationships between siblings can be complex, they can also be incredibly rewarding and supportive. Siblings can form a close bond and develop friendships that last a lifetime. Hopefully your children will be able to form positive and happy relationships with their siblings, in turn enabling them to develop secure, warm and fulfilling relationships with others in the future.
The role of grandparents
The role of grandparents in your daughter’s life cannot be underestimated. A grandparent – and often the grandmother, in the case of a daughter – can be a crucial support for both daughters and mothers, as she straddles both generations and can be a useful provider of both wisdom and experience.
At various stages in your daughter’s life, grandparents can take on a significant role. Today, it is relatively common for grandparents to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives from an early age, as grandparents are asked by their daughters to take on childcare responsibilities, instead of resorting to a nanny or daycare. Although this can be exhausting for the grandparents, it can also bring huge rewards. This set-up also provides a continuity of childcare throughout the generations as well as the passing on of a similar value system and moral code. A close relationship is forged between the child and the grandparent during the child’s formative years, and this bond lasts a lifetime.
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