advice and support to you as a parent on the challenges of parenting, especially during the teenage years. It is also helpful as a parent to be reminded of your own teenage behaviour once upon a time! Girls can call on their grandmothers for advice about any number of things – from asking questions about various homework assignments, to calling up to chat about issues that they do not necessarily want to discuss with their own parent. A grandparent can offer a more objective voice at times and will often back up the parent in a subtle and supportive way.
In an ideal world, it is recommended that you try to ensure your daughter spends regular and quality time with her grandparents. The grandparent–grandchild relationship is an especially precious one and it should be nurtured and developed into a mutually rewarding experience for all parties concerned.
Tricky situations
Separation
In the case of a recent separation or divorce between two parents, your daughter is often suffering greatly and she cannot always understand the problems of an adult world. At this time, grandparents can step in and offer valuable additional support, as well as the provision of another place where your daughter can feel safe and secure. Encourage your daughter to turn to her grandparents when necessary; allow her to simply be a grandchild, to feel loved and occasionally spoilt; and let her know there is somewhere else where she can go and process her emotions. If you are going through a marital break-up as a parent, do allow your own parents to support you and your children. Their support for the whole family cannot be underestimated. Swallow your pride and allow them to take on this role for all of you. Your parents love you, just as you love your own children, and they will do their utmost to help you through the most difficult of situations.
Difficult grandparents
The world is made up of very different people with different expectations and value systems. Sometimes, your child’s grandparents do not share your views on life and parenting techniques. This can occasionally be the case with the ‘in-laws’, but it is important to try to forge a relationship with your child’s grandparents, even if they are difficult. Establish ground rules as early as you can and try to stick to them. For example, try to set up a monthly visit to allow them to see their grandchildren. You can decide where and when you should meet. Try to agree on a set of rules regarding your parenting rules and theirs.
If there are difficulties with your in-laws, do discuss this with your partner as sensitively as you can so that you both work together for the benefit of your children. However, if you find that the visits are unbearable, try to seek some professional help– for example, from a family therapist – to see whether you can facilitate some regular contact for the sake of your children. As your children grow older, you don’t want them to criticise you as a parent for depriving them of their grandparents; equally, as your children grow into their teenage years and beyond, they will begin to be able to make their own decisions about whether they want to have a relationship with their grandparents.
Geography
Gone are the days when extended families lived close together, and distance can make the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren very complicated. If your daughter’s grandparents live far away, encourage them to maintain regular contact by telephone, email or even Skype or Facebook! Your daughter can teach her grandparents to work out the new technologies – just as a 10-year-old girl can teach her 70-year-old grandmother to text!
As with all long-distance relationships, when your child’s grandparents live far away, the time spent together is often intense due to the infrequency of the visits. Do make allowances for the visiting grandparents and try to make the visits as enjoyable as possible. Research local activities in your area, find out what is on at the cinema and save up some enjoyable outings to do together whenever a visit comes up. In this way, both parties can look forward to the visit with excitement.
As your daughter grows up, try to develop a relationship in which she can spend quality time with her grandparents, such as a weekend away. In addition to a lovely time between granddaughter and grandparents, this also provides the additional perk of some much needed respite for the parents!
Working grandparents
Many grandparents still work full time, which means that their time is limited and they may not be able to take on the additional responsibilities of looking after grandchildren. It is important to respect working grandparents and not to assume that they are available at your beck and call. They have done their childrearing and they are not obliged to do it a second time around! Most working grandparents will be amenable to being the ‘back-up’ and will welcome quality time with their grandchildren, but on their own terms. Remember, what is crucial in all relationships is the need to communicate clearly and to be respectful of one another.
Family Life and Homework
Maintaining happy families – how to avoid the homework fights
From her very first reading book to her A level essays, your daughter will have work to do at home. But how best to help her without it becoming the all too familiar burden that can blight the whole family’s evenings and weekends? Bearing in mind that perhaps your daughter may have a long journey to school, she needs to eat and have time for other interests and the opportunity to ‘flop’ – and there are family commitments that need to be fitted in. How can you make homework work for both her and you?
As with many situations as a parent, you need to perform a balancing act – to be supportive but not to interfere! Here are some tips to help keep you on track:
• Remember, each of us works differently. Some like to get work out of the way and then relax, others work better if they’ve relaxed first. If your daughter is one of the latter, no amount of nagging will get her to work efficiently before she’s had a chance to relax.
• Ensure she has an appropriate place to work – and, yes, curled up on the sofa with the television on in the background may be fine for some work, as may an MP3 player.
• Ensure she has some time each evening to relax, and time during the week for other activities apart from homework.
• Show an interest and offer to help if she wants you to.
• Don’t insist on checking her work and giving unasked-for advice on improving it.
• Don’t do it for her. If she’s really struggling, it’s better to discuss with her when she can see the relevant teacher, preferably before the deadline to hand it in.
Be particularly careful with work for public examinations. Exam boards will penalise a candidate severely if they think the work is not their own.
Try to prevent homework becoming a battleground, as this might ultimately harm the relationship between you and your daughter. If you find that your daughter really isn’t coping with homework, then talk to the school. As much as you, they want her to be able to achieve her best, and homework is an integral part of that.
Thoughts from a Head — stop bashing parents . . .
Being a parent has to be the hardest job in the world. A Head Teacher was struck by a comment from a parent who pointed out that when you are at work, you have regular feedback about the job you’re doing — a review with a line manager, a pat on the back for a task well done, even a bonus in the good old days. But a parent gets very little in terms of positive reinforcement, and listening to the news can suggest that all of society’s ills can be laid at the parents’ door.
While it can be the hardest job in the world, it can also be one of the most joyful and rewarding. Parenting can certainly be made easier if schools and parents work together in the best interests of the children, and this is something at which many schools are adept.
It is the dual responsibility of parents and schools to ensure that children are properly prepared for life, encouraged to achieve their best inside the classroom and outside it and taught to develop a healthy sense of social responsibility. This will involve instilling in young people a conviction that they should