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Yes, Please. Whatever! How to get the best out of your teenagers Penny Palmano The expert on modern manners In memory of my god-daughter Clare To Katherine, Sam and Fran You are all wonderful, please remain so…now about your rooms Table of Contents
From left: Francesca, Katherine, Penny and Sam
‘Manners maketh man.’ This was the title of an essay I was given by Mr Lloyd-Jones in the final year of primary school. It would not be an uncommon question to ask why an 11-year-old boy was given such a tough academic task. It was certainly not because I was an intellectual marvel. The truth is much more prosaic. I had stuck two fingers up to the retreating back of the football teacher for picking Paul Parberry instead of the goal machine who was Melanie Ashley. Unfortunately, I was spotted by the terrifying giant Lloyd-Jones. Watching someone being punished by the Head of Balsa Wood Creativity was great sport as we marvelled at his ability to pick up a boy (never a perfect girl of course) with his left arm, tuck him under his left armpit so that both gluteal muscles were in the optimal position for the bear’s paw that was stuck on to his right arm. I would have preferred this punishment: I had received it once and had found that as soon as you became desensitized to the tingling that moved in waves from your bottom to your toes it wasn’t too bad. But this punishment…this was serious. How on earth was I going to do this in the 24 hours I had been given? I admit that it was the fear of what Lloyd-Jones would do to me the next day that led me to admit my crime to my mum in a halting, pathetic voice that evening. Instead of the wind-tunnel of noise which I expected, my mum listened quietly to my story. She said that my demonstration in disagreeing with the selection had indeed been wholly inappropriate and that she would have to tell my dad when he arrived home. In the meantime I was not allowed out, given extra chores and told not to worry about the essay. The next morning, at breakfast, my dad handed me eight full sheets of writing. Each sheet was covered in beautifully crafted words, many of which I had never read in any Enid Blyton book. This is what I handed to Mr Lloyd-Jones. He asked me had I written this: I said no I hadn’t. He accepted this statement without further comment. I found out much later in life that he had greatly admired the fact that, as a family, we had sorted out my problem. It is an incident which is etched into my memory and has formed a basis for my approach in education and latterly in my parenting. It is an incident that brings together three important qualities: Trust, Honesty and Respect. These are traditional values which form a skeleton on which we can build a body of parenting skills. Ms Palmano’s book helps us all, as parents, to focus on how we can assemble a positive relationship with our children based on good common-sense. It’s also pretty useful for Headmasters! Gregg Davies Headmaster Shiplake College Henley-on-Thames Just as I wanted to have well-behaved, polite children I could take out without running the risk of psychological help, I didn’t want confrontations, slamming doors, arguments and having to constantly apologize for their behaviour as teenagers. I like a sense of calm in our home and I wanted them to be charming and good company, not the stereotypical teenagers that are constantly maligned and sidelined as some sort of curious species to be constantly criticized, poked fun at and a constant source of amusement and derision. And so many parents seem quite resigned to the fact that their own teenager’s opinions, sense of style, choice of friends, time-keeping and responsibilities is all part of a huge conspiratorial wind-up to test them to the limit. Well, the good news is our children’s teenage years need not be a time of endless arguments, belligerence and aggression. Your child’s transition from child to teenager should be welcomed and not dreaded as though you are about to make a pact with the devil and nurture a
