we often skip right to the second and third questions, but I encourage you to fully investigate the first question, “Who am I?” As our self-awareness evolves, we are more likely to make the choices that lead to the results we actually want, thus avoiding those dreaded Expectation Hangovers.
Who am I? The answers to this question evolve throughout our lifetime — they begin in childhood, and then shift into teen angst over where and how we fit in. Yet this question slaps us in the face the hardest in our twenties, when so many grown-up, real-world, this-is-your-life questions arrive at our doorstep. Until our twenties, we didn’t know how good we had it. Remember when prom was stressful? Ah, the good old days …
“I’ve learned the importance of figuring out just exactly who you are. Not who other people want you to be. Not who you thought you were by virtue of the way you were raised. But who you truly are.”
Legal secretary, 29, single and love it and hate it, Maine
We are not the roles we play in life or who other people want us to be. We are not our jobs, our relationships, our bodies, our accomplishments, or our bank accounts. The answer to “Who am I?” comes from inside — it’s what makes each of us a unique individual. What makes us tick? What drives us? Who do we allow to come out when no one else is looking? In this part, we will begin searching out our most authentic selves. Getting to this form of “I” is like peeling back layers of an onion. The layers of your “identity onion” are likely to include who you have been told to be, who you believe you should be, and personas you’ve developed to handle certain situations or people — whether to get something, impress someone, or escape an uncomfortable situation.
The peeling of this identity onion is not easy because we are rarely taught how. Instructions for soul-searching questioning are usually not shared around the family dinner table or outlined on the blackboard at school. Plus, becoming clear on who we are is an ongoing process, not a single event. It’s like a class that never ends, and just like when we peel an onion, there are often tears. I am still peeling my own onion and probably will be for the rest of my life.
In my own experience, and in my research and coaching practice, I’ve noticed three common developmental stages that twenty somethings evolve through as they investigate the question, “Who Am I?” I call this evolution the “Self-Awareness Continuum,” and it’s the process by which we understand, assess, and develop our identities. I call the three phases of the Self-Awareness Continuum (which we will cover in the next three chapters): Basic, Investigative, and Integrated (see the diagram on page 61).
“I expected that at twenty-five I would at least know who I am and who I want to be. I thought the hell of adolescence was the price we paid to figure it out. I’ll soon be closing in on thirty and the fact that I still haven’t had my day, week, month, or year of epiphany leaves me disheartened.”
Accountant, 25, single and love it, Washington
While the phases are distinct, there is no particular age or experience that marks each stage; rather, our building awareness moves us from one phase into the next. Also, the transition between phases can be faster in some areas of our lives and slower in others. For instance, we may move to a more integrated awareness in our careers before we have done this in our romantic relationships. It takes many years to truly integrate all the pieces of our identities so that they come together and we become more consistent in who we are in all aspects of our lives.
“These have been years of self-discovery through the good, the bad . . . and the ugly.”
Student and legal assistant, 25, dating, Pennsylvania
“WHO AM I?” — AWARENESS CONTINUUM
Basic
Approximate ages: 20–24
• Identifies self by interests, desires, roles
• Experiences duality thinking, confusion, and inconsistent levels of self-esteem
• Relies on and regurgitates external feedback
• Measures self via comparison
• Feels driven to meet external expectations
• Lacks strong sense of self
Investigative
Approximate ages: 24–27
• Engages in internal questioning and evaluation
• Questions decisions and life choices; experiences quarter-life-crisis feelings
• Engages in private thoughts and judgments
• Assesses and discerns true values and desires
• Becomes more assertive and self-sufficient
• Recognizes the purpose of self-evaluation
• Begins to construct sense of self
Integrated
Approximate ages: 27–30
• Lives by personal values, ethics, and personalized version of success
• Handles challenges without loss of self; feels less concerned about what others think
• Forges deeper connections and spiritual awareness
• Experiences sense of discovery and “aha” moments
• Understands own role in self-perception
• Secures and continually evaluates sense of self
| 3. | BASIC SELF-AWARENESS |
“The hardest thing for me about being twenty something was the pain of figuring out who I really was. After I graduated from college and met the biggest goal in my life, I felt lost. I had a severe ‘What now?’ crisis.”
Web developer, 30, married, Colorado
For many of us, we are finally thrust into the real world after college graduation, when for the first time we have to figure out who we are outside the walls of a school and our parents’ home, and sometimes far away from our familiar hometown. Adjusting to being on our own for the first time is stressful. Do we maintain the roles we’ve developed up to now? Do we try to live up to the expectations and hopes others have for us? Who are we, anyway? And, as if this identity crisis wasn’t enough — we have to juggle all the unfamiliar, practical problems of surviving independently.
For me, graduation led to a time of tremendous confusion over who I was. Without the well-defined “good student” identity and structure of college, I was lost. I knew who I was in the land of academia, but I struggled to know who I was as an adult on my own. I needed a new identity, so like many other twenty somethings in the Basic stage, I sought out a career and a relationship. I thought these would answer the question, “Who am I?” And yet, at twenty-three, though I was on a successful career track and dating a Hollywood guy who was exposing me to the good life, I was sad, empty, and didn’t really know what to do about it.
In the Basic stage on the Self-Awareness Continuum, twenty somethings often report feeling fear, anxiety, confusion, sadness, and even depression. They frequently feel they have trouble keeping up and adjusting to the responsibility of carving out their own lives. Some say they exhaust themselves trying to live up to everyone’s expectations, burning out as they push their bodies and minds past their limits. Others are overwhelmed with loss and sadness: they miss college life, both the status they