Saunya M. Williams, Ph.D.
I Choose
to
L.I.V.E.
“Embracing the Real Me”
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3G Publishing, Inc.
Loganville, Ga 30052
www.3gpublishinginc.com
Phone: 1-888-442-9637
©2015 Saunya M. Williams, Ph.D., LLC. All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the author.
First published by 3G Publishing, Inc. (November)(2015)
ISBN: 978-1-941247-17-4
All scripture quotations are taken from the New King James Version (NKJV) of the Bible.
Photography done by Neville Simpson
Printed in the United States of America
Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.
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To my mommy, Linda Harris, you encouraged me to share my story without reservation. This book exists because of your unselfish support…thank you!
I love you forever plus one day!
- Saun
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Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION 7
CHAPTER 1 11
LOVE
Outside-In Type 9
Material Possession 10
Professional Achievement 12
Social Status 12
Aesthetic Appeal 14
Inside-Out Type 18
Internal Presence of God 18
Front-Row Seat 19
CHAPTER 2 23
INVEST
Garbage 23
Plastic Bag 26
No Progress 28
Goals 30
Planned Purpose 30
God’s Blueprint 33
CHAPTER 337
VICTORY
Divine GPS 37
Victim to Victor 40
CHAPTER 445
ENCOURAGE
Mirror Reflection 45
Duplicate Your Present 45
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Recall Your Past 47
Two-Dimensional Network 49
CONCLUSION 53
L.I.V.E. SUMMARY SCRIPTURES 55
ABOUT THE AUTHOR 57
NOTES 59
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INTRODUCTION
One year in particular, I traveled for approximately 40 out of 52 weeks and spent over 150 nights in various hotels. The extensive travel was required for my job so I was accustomed to “life on the road,” as I considered my lifestyle. After experiencing so many challenges, I was certain that I had put the worst of them behind me. Unexpectedly, the weight of being molested as a child had started to resurface, and the weight soon became an unbearable encumbrance. The fact that the burden was so heavy was an indication that my previous attempts to bury that particular burden had not been as successful as I thought.
For many years, I had been living with a forward-thinking motto and more self-confidence so I was surprised to realize that my struggle with being molested was very much alive. I was revisiting the most traumatic battle of my life, and my feeling of being a conqueror had suddenly vanished. My chest felt like a building had collapsed upon me, and I doubted that I was strong enough to overcome the same battle again. I turned to God for understanding and asked, “Why me and why now?”
Simultaneously, I had been in a long-distance relationship with Raider for almost five years so I welcomed the opportunity to minimize the distance between us. I thought that my travel schedule would benefit our relationship by affording us with more time together. Quickly, I discovered that the excitement that he had shown toward me was not sincere. I was well aware that Raider had been experiencing financial hardship over the years, but I never imagined the enormous depth of his deception. I could not comprehend why Raider preferred to continuously live in a path of self-destruction, which included lies, theft, and domestic abuse.
Until then, I never realized that I had created an exhausting role for myself by relying on my personal relationships to fill such a huge void. I had spent the majority of my life believing that a successful relationship with a man was my only way to experience real love. When I lost the very thing that I had believed was the key to my healing, I did not know what
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I Choose to L.I.V.E.
to do. My emotional capacity had been depleted, and I was no longer able to substitute the emptiness. The increase in amount of time that I had begun to spend alone caused me to question my beliefs. I said to God, “Now this too, but why?” and never heard an answer.
The combination of the resurrected shame of being molested and heartache from my failed relationship was such an emotional disaster for me. I would think about all that I had overcome and all that I had achieved up to that point, but my thoughts and feelings kept leading me toward defeat. Thus, the question, “Why me?” became the primary focus of my life at that time. My mind became inundated with thoughts of failure, and I could not make sense of the situation.
I was the leader of the mime ministry at my church, but I had lost both my faith and my praise. Shamefully, I did not know how to tell the other members of my ministry that I had given up on God and did not want to mime anymore. I had stopped believing in the Word of God and had no desire to worship Him at all. I did not feel comfortable with ministering the gospel that I had decided was false. As a result, I would find reasons to cancel our rehearsals and would delay our schedule to minister at church. I was convinced that God had completely abandoned me and that His presence was no longer in my life.
Each week, I would sit alone drowning in depression in my hotel room. The mere thought of food made me sick so my diet consisted of sleeping pills and wine, with occasional coffee or tea at work. Everything in me, on me, and about me was hurting so I just wanted to be numb or sleep. I never consciously attempted or planned to end my own life, but I would often think, “What if I do not wake up tomorrow morning and this is the last time that I close my eyes?” Honestly, I would not ponder that thought very long because I wanted to consume my sleeping pill and wine as soon as possible. I was in such a rush to not feel any pain that allowing my mind to contemplate anything else would have been too much time being wasted. Beyond that, I also did not consider the price of my addiction because my immediate relief was far more important to me at that time. Ultimately, my emotional paralysis became my place of refuge and comfort instead of God.
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Saunya M. Williams, Ph.D.
After several months, I had done so much to become detached from the world and God that I did not even recognize myself in the mirror. One morning in my hotel, I clearly heard,