Ostovar for more than fifteen years, I have also seen this approach work for individuals with highly complex histories and presentations (including individuals diagnosed with nonverbal learning disorder and autism spectrum disorders), as well as individuals who are considered high-functioning and just need support in a specific set of skills. Because needs vary given the person’s developmental level and where the person is in life, the individuality and customizability of social skills coaching provides the necessary level of support to identify what areas need attention.
Among the best features of this book are the practical strategies that can be used within social skills coaching. Although many of us may incorporate these strategies into our life without even being aware of doing so, the way the authors explain their different strategies is relatable and approachable for individuals who may have to work harder at socializing.
Most importantly, the authors emphasize an approach that treats the individual from a supportive and strengths-based approach. Instead of emphasizing what the individual is doing wrong or not doing at all, the authors provide the sense that social skills coaching is meant to work toward the individual’s goal by further developing the skills the individual brings to the table. This allows the individual to feel empowered and confident to try socializing in a different way. The authors’ description of coaching as similar to coaching in sports demonstrates the idea that the social skills coach is not there only to teach and for practice, but also to encourage self-awareness and reflect on the individual’s progress.
This well-written short guide is a wonderful resource for everyone, beginners and experts alike, exploring how to incorporate social skills coaching into their lives and practices. As you will learn throughout the easy-to-follow guide, this innovative approach to understanding and learning social skills coaching fills a gap in the current available resources on the topic.
— Blaise Aguirre, MD
Medical Director3East DBT-ContinuumMcLean HospitalAssistant Professor of PsychiatryHarvard Medical School
Blaise Aguirre, MD, is an expert in child, adolescent, and adult psychotherapy, including dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and medication evaluation and management. He is the founding medical director of the 3East Girls Intensive and Step-Down programs, unique, residential DBT programs for young women exhibiting self-endangering behaviors and borderline personality disorder (BPD) traits. Dr. Aguirre has been a staff psychiatrist at McLean Hospital since 2000 and is nationally and internationally recognized for his extensive work in the treatment of mood and personality disorders in adolescents. He lectures regularly in Europe, Africa, and the Middle East on BPD and DBT.
Dr. Aguirre is the author of:
Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents
Depression (Biographies of Disease)
Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder (co-author)
Helping Your Troubled Teen
We all know the importance and value of coaching for many different skills—singing, acting, playing a sport, and even teaching—but not all of us know there are coaching resources for improving social skills. Most people just admire those who are comfortable in any social situation and can have a conversation about anything and with anyone. We think of these people as just being lucky and having been born with a wonderful, natural gift. But that is only partially true. Social skills, much like any other skill, can be learned and improved. Now, most of us will probably never be as comfortable in front of crowds as a talk show host, but we can all improve our skills and learn ways to manage different social situations more easily and with more confidence.
Social language is much like any other language, and social language skills are like any other skills—they can be learned and improved with practice. If we think about the skills required for any sport, we know right away that the role of the coach is critical. This is true whether we are talking about first-grade soccer or Olympic swimming. The same is true for social skills. The difference is that the idea of being coached on our social skills is new to us and we have to get comfortable with it, just as we do with any new idea.
In our experience, most people take a little time to get used to the idea of having a coach for social skills. The immediate reaction when we suggest social skills coaching is, “What’s that? You want to teach me how to talk to people?! I don’t need that… I have friends, you know?” But Michael Phelps, the most decorated Olympian of all time with 28 medals, never thought of the idea of having a swim coach as offensive or a sign of weakness. We must think of social coaches in the way we think about athletic coaches.
If we think about what coaches do and how they help, we will feel much more comfortable with the idea of social skills coaching. Coaches are on your side, no matter what skills you are trying to learn or improve. Coaches help you set your goals and identify areas in which you want to improve. They teach you the skills you need, encourage you to practice what you have learned, fine tune your skills, praise you along the way, encourage you, help you take a different perspective, challenge you, motivate you, help you believe in yourself, increase the likelihood that you will apply your skills, and ultimately help you reach your maximum potential. They are excellent collaborators and work with you to achieve your goals in the way that makes the most sense for you.
Most people can benefit from some degree of social skills coaching, whether it is learning proper greetings, body language and facial expressions, conflict resolution, perspective taking, and saying things more effectively. We know social skills training helps those with autism spectrum disorders, social pragmatics disorder, and non-verbal learning disorder, but any social skill goal can be achieved through social skills coaching.
A social coach is someone with knowledge and experience who understands not only social coaching but also how to teach the skills. Great athletes don’t necessarily make the best athletic coaches. Good coaching is far beyond knowing and playing the game. It also involves the ability to guide players and fine tune their skills. With input from the coach, a great basketball player can make a small adjustment to his/her wrist and make even more shots successfully than before. In social skills coaching, a good coach can, with the right input, help someone with small but critical nuances of social relationships, facial expressions, body language, and more. A small adjustment makes a world of difference.
This guide to social skills coaching offers a quick and informative tour of what this fascinating and rather new information is and how it can make a difference in so many people’s lives.
What Is Social Skills Coaching?
Social skills coaching is simply coaching someone to help themselves feel more comfortable and successful in different social situations. It is a one-to-one skills-based training that addresses specific challenges an individual has in navigating her or his social environment. This service helps develop an individual’s ability to communicate with others more effectively. It is intended to be practical, interactive, functional, and specifically tailored to the individual.
Many individuals explain how they are often caught offguard, confused, and unsure or surprised in social interactions or after a social interaction. This is because they do not grasp the unspoken expectations, cues, subtleties of the interactions or cannot recognize the boundaries and limits to understand everything they need to. One way a client explained it puts how some individuals are feeling in perspective for us. She recalled Elle from the movie Legally Blonde showing up to a normal party in a bunny costume and feeling so embarrassed and surprised that nobody else at this party was in a costume. Can you imagine what that would feel like? In the movie, Elle is being set up and given the wrong information. “I feel like Elle every day of my life,” she said. Our client was letting us know every day she feels like she has been given the wrong information about a social interaction, or she is missing some important information which everyone else just somehow naturally seems to get on their own. “It feels like I am always walking in, in the