NO COLOR FOR ME
by
Claudia Harris
Copyright 2011 Claudia Harris,
All rights reserved.
Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com
ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0305-2
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.
NO COLOR FOR ME
If someone had asked me if my road had been smooth, I would have answered a resounding, “Yes!” Of course, there were challenges, and I was a workaholic. But I feel like my family made the most of every minute of every day. And we had a great time doing it. There were so many “once in a lifetime” memories. But, then the rug was pulled out from under me. And the real journey began to somewhere. I was looking for answers to questions I couldn’t ask, and certainly not answer.
As I was struggling to understand why I’m writing this book, my friend Jeredith asked me, “What is your favorite color?” At first, I gave her some standard reaction, but she wouldn’t let me get by with that. Although, she insisted that I answer the question, I couldn’t imagine why my favorite color mattered. She knew it would ask and answer the questions I needed to know. When I stopped talking and thought about what she asked me, an image of my soft baby blue shoes given to me when I was very young was all I could see. It was then that I realized that I must wear those shoes as I tell you about my journey.
Those soft baby blue shoes I had must have been magic, because wherever they are, they have lasted and lasted. They would be too small now, but I’m going to put them on, anyway, as we move ahead finding the color that fits now. I’ll try different colors, and ask questions.
I want that search to make you laugh and cry in the same breath…if not now, maybe when you need a new color.
THE SEARCH
We don’t have a color…
not pink, it’s taken
not red, the ladies have it for hearts and hats
…so I’m trying Green.
But, Green is the ooze that comes from envy. I’ve even been envious of people with cancer. I thought “at least they have treatments that give them a chance at a new start”. I only had “we don’t know what causes it, everyone is different, and maybe someday someone will figure out a ‘cure’”. But, I truly believe that’s not the real story.
When I’m not watching, glimpses of green appear behind me. Green won’t do at all, even if it is a primary color. I must run forward away from it.
No! Green also means I am naive, simple, unsophisticated and immature.
SO, I’LL START LOOKING AGAIN …
THE JOURNEY JUMPSTARTS
Everything seemed backward. Ahead was a sharp U-turn with jagged bends in the road to finding my color.
When the doctor first gingerly approached me to reveal the news about my diagnosis…my reaction was surprisingly one of relief. I was so glad that I didn’t have mad-cow disease, with the horrible images that had been on TV of the stumbling cattle, or the dreaded brain cancer, which in my mind was going to require complete brain removal!
It took me a while to process that I had something “serious”. It doesn’t deserve to be called by name. It wasn’t invited.
I chose silent denial until symptoms would be obvious. While trying to hide any signs, it was such a quandary whether to tell anyone. I dreaded questions that I’d have to answer. If I couldn’t even ask myself the same questions, how was I going to tell strangers? I deserved the award for “Best Actress in an Imaginary Role”.
By the way, I wonder if my son became a veterinarian, so he could fix those cows.
DO I HAVE IT???
No matter how many times we’re told that it’s probably not hereditary, everyone seems to know someone who has a relative who also had it…
What is the effect on the family…wondering whether you have the dreaded “defective gene”, or whether you are going to spend your treasured retirement caring for an invalid. How can anyone possibly plan emotionally or financially for such a commitment? Being a caregiver is a one-way street, reserved for angels on earth who can give more than they have.
My husband and best friend, Chuck, who died unexpectedly, was a kind and gentle man. Neither of us ever said it out loud, but everyone assumed that I’d be the first to go. What quickly appeared was the same raincloud that must follow parents of specially challenged children every minute of every day. Who will take care of them when I’m gone?
PANTS ON THE GROUND, PANTS ON THE GROUND
HOLES IN YOUR HEAD, HOLES IN YOUR HEAD
Holes in my brain…
They said my first MRI looked like Swiss cheese and my brain lit up like a night sky. I should have never looked at it, because I can’t get the image of my head out of my head! I wish it would slide out one of the holes. At least my picture lit up. I shined on film!
Does this mean I can eat as much Swiss cheese as I want?
It felt like my brain was a field of groundhog holes and I was a ground hog.
I’ve given some of the holes names. Some I know well, and some I’ve yet to meet. The potential list is both complete and secret. They will come unannounced and will allow things to go in and out as they please. That must be mind control. It’s like putting your hand into the wet concrete at the Hollywood Walk of Fame and you accidentally push all the way through to China. Some of the names I know are: Walk Hole, Cry Hole, Music Hole, Brain Asshole, See Hole, and more. But, my favorite hole is the one that has carefully guarded and has not let anything out and that is the Fun Hole. Let’s avoid, but look into and through these potholes on the path ahead.
BALANCING ACT
It is interesting to me that crazy BALANCE is one of my main symptoms… something I had never, ever thought about – either as a physical phenomenon or balance in any part of my life.
What is balance? The thesaurus says…”equilibrium, poise, stability, steadiness, sense of balance”…or is it “what’s left over, the rest of it, residue”? or is it “to equalize both sides of a scale, a Balance Sheet for finance, a bridge tally”?…
What does it mean to be “out of balance”? Ask an accountant and you get one answer… if you are constipated, being out-of-balance has new meaning…if you can’t balance your budget, you’ve got a problem.
It also says balance is to “consider, compare, evaluate and calculate”…none of which have anything to do with not being able to balance enough to walk a straight line and being afraid the police will haul you off to jail for being drunk.…
What in the world is “sense of balance”? It doesn’t make any sense to me. If you are sensible, can you balance? If I’d use good sense could I balance…maybe that’s what’s really wrong with me…I have no sense!
I do know that feeling dizzy is very different than being out-of-balance. How good to finally realize that balancing isn’t my main issue, but having no sense and being insensitive is the key
Ooh! I wonder if I were a very sensual dizzy