Mending A Shattered Heart. Stefanie Ph.D. Carnes PhD

      

      MENDING A SHATTERED HEART

      A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts

      Second Edition

      © 2009, 2011

      Edited by

      STEFANIE CARNES, PhD

      Carefree, Arizona

      Gentle Path Press

      P.O. Box 3172

      Carefree, Arizona 85377

       www.gentlepath.com

      Copyright © 2011 by Gentle Path Press

      All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be used or reproduced, stored or entered into a retrieval system, transmitted, photocopied, recorded, or otherwise reproduced in any form by any mechanical or electronic means, without the prior written permission of the author, and Gentle Path Press, except for brief quotations used in articles and reviews.

      Second edition: 2011

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      Gentle Path Press at 1-800-708-1796 (toll-free U.S. only).

      Published in eBook format by Gentle Path Press

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      ISBN-13: 978-0-9832-7135-2

      Editor ’s note: All the stories in this book are based on actual experiences. The names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved. In some cases, composites have been created.

      Introduction

      If you’re reading this book, chances are your heart has been shattered. Your world has been turned upside down in a whirlwind of betrayal, anger, and confusion. The authors of this book want you to know that you are not alone. Hundreds of unsuspecting people wake up every day to discover their loved one, the one person whom they are supposed to trust completely, has been living a life of lies and deceit because they suffer from a disease–sex addiction.

      Clinicians conservatively estimate that between 1 and 3 percent of the general population are sex addicts. Even those conservative numbers translate into more than 10 million people in the United States alone. Furthermore, sex addiction is not just an epidemic in the United States; it reaches all cultures and ethnicities spanning the globe. However, this is a disease shrouded in secrecy and shame.

      Even in our progressive society, we seldom speak of sex addiction. Those afflicted tend to cautiously guard their identities, so they are not labeled and stigmatized. The general population remains uneducated or misinformed; they often equate sex addiction with sex offending or pedophilia, even though the majority of individuals with problematic sexual acting out cannot be classified into either of those categories.

      Support groups, treatment centers, and literature for sex addiction have proliferated in the past twenty years. Addicts can now turn to many confidential resources for support. Yet sex addiction is a family disease because it impacts the entire family system. But, unfortunately, support is generally not available for the partners and family of sex addicts. The wreckage of pain and suffering rips through the family. Spouses or partners are devastated and angry. Children are frightened and confused. Parents of the sex addict wonder, What did I do wrong?

      As the spouse or partner of a sex addict, you feel the responsibility to sort through this wreckage and to help your family do the same. Yet the resources for spouses and partners are few and far between. You may feel like you cannot reach out for help because you want to preserve the confidentiality of the addict. Or you may feel shame, embarrassment, and worry what others might think of you. The stress generated from this experience is akin to a major medical trauma; however, people going through a major medical trauma often have a community of people providing support. You, on the other hand, are left to suffer alone.

      This book is designed for the spouse or partner in the initial phases of learning about the sex addiction in their lives. During this time, you’ll be flooded with questions and feel confused. Each chapter is based on frequently asked questions by partners. These questions include: Should I stay or should I go? Is this going to get better? and What should I tell the kids? At the back of the book, you will find a list of resources, such as Twelve Step meetings, inpatient treatment resources, and recommended books categorized by topic.

      This book would not have been possible without the expertise of the people who contributed to it: Jennifer Schneider, Cara Tripodi, Patrick Carnes, Omar Minwalla, Mavis Humes Baird, Sonja Rudie, Barbara Levinson, Robert Weiss, Joe Kort, Caroline Smith, and Paul and Virginia Hartman. Their willingness and diligence during the writing of this book was amazing and driven by genuine compassion for the partner ’s struggle. The authors have collectively worked with thousands of sex addicts and their families. Families like yours have taught us about their suffering. Many of the authors have experienced sex addiction in their own lives and have been touched deeply. Here, they share some of their own personal wisdom.

      The communities that support compassionate treatment for sex addicts and their families have also been instrumental in the development of this book. These organizations include the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, and the network of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists. During the writing of the first edition, my employer at the time, Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services, also made this book possible. My Pine Grove colleagues’ commitment to treating people with love and acceptance has been a

      constant inspiration; their open-mindedness, patience, and support of my work has been immeasurable. I would also like to express appreciation to Gentle Path Press, especially to Amy Campbell, Rebecca Post, Corrine Casanova, Serena Castillo, and Suzanne O’Connor for their assistance with this book. Finally, I would like to thank my father, Patrick Carnes, for his loving support, encouragement, and advice.

      It is my sincere hope that this book will provide information and comfort to individuals and families struggling with sexual addiction. Many people have walked this path before you. Allow their wisdom to guide you and provide you with the answers to your questions. Know that you are not alone and you do not have to suffer silently.

      — Stefanie Carnes, PhD, CSAT-S