Christian "Lens" on Sex Addiction
Consider for a moment a passage from Paul's second letter to the church at Corinth:
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
II CORINTHIANS 12:7B–10
In this passage, Paul was writing, in letters that predated the writing of the four Gospels, about being humbled by a "thorn in the flesh." He recognized that it was only through this humbling experience that the Lord was made perfect to him.
What was the "thorn in the flesh"? Great theologians and biblical scholars have offered many possibilities, including a physical ailment, a speech impediment, or a personality/angel/demon sent to tempt him. What if Paul's thorn in the flesh was some type of addiction? The reality is we simply do not know what it was that made Paul weak and led him to rely more fully on God.
What we do know is that it caused torment and difficulties, experiences with which any addict is familiar. We also know that Saul, before his conversion experience, traveled around speaking out against the teachings of Jesus. On the road to Damascus, Saul had a mystical experience that transformed him into the man we have come to know as Saint Paul. Perhaps this was his "rock bottom." The experience left him temporarily blind and unable to eat or drink. Through his days as a missionary, he continued to be mindful of the "thorn in his flesh" that forced him to rely on the grace of God.
Read this passage several times slowly. If possible, read it aloud. As you do this, breathe deeply and allow the words to really sink in. After doing that, reflect on the following questions:
•How has your addiction to sexual behavior become a thorn in your flesh?
•In what ways has your addiction tormented you?
•What does the phrase "my grace is sufficient" mean to you?
•Paul says, "For when I am weak, then I am strong." In your recovery, what does this mean to you?
Can I Be a Christian and a Sex Addict?
Acknowledging your addiction may cause you to ask the following questions:
•If I am really a Christian, how can I be a sex addict?
•If I am really a sex addict, how can I be a Christian?
The creation story (Genesis 1) provides a good backdrop for these questions. Adam and Eve were living in Eden, in Paradise, which we might equate with living fully in accord with God's will. Based on certain choices and behaviors, however, they soon found themselves "East of Eden" and yearning to return home to a paradise of full communion with God.
What, then, can we call these two people in exile? If our Christian beliefs tell us anything, it is that they continued to be children of God.
No matter what you have done as a sex addict, you are a child of God.
Pause for a moment to think about that phrase.... You are a child of God.
Let's rephrase that statement.... I am a child of God.
Now read the sentences below aloud several times, reading slowly, breathing deeply, and, in turn, emphasizing each of the bolded words of the sentence. Pay attention to any experiences in your body as God speaks to you as you read these words.
I am a child of God.
I am a child of God.
I am a child of God.
I am a child of God.
Often, we encounter Christian men and women in recovery who believe they are beyond redemption and that they simply cannot and will not be forgiven for their past behaviors. God's word is clear on this issue. The psalmist writes, "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us" (Psalm 103:12). We will discuss forgiveness (including self-forgiveness) later. For now, we simply encourage forgiveness and compassion toward others and ourselves. This is the model offered to us by Jesus. As we read in the Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), found in the Big Book, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" (Promise 2 of Alcoholics Anonymous).
While we, in our humanness, do not forget the past (that is, shut the door on it), it seems that God can forgive our transgressions. What does God do with memories of our past as we begin the journey of recovery and work at changing our thoughts and deeds? Simply put, He forgets them:
"I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds." Then he adds: "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more."
HEBREWS 10:16B–17
Most of us struggle to understand the immense depth of God's love, forgiveness, and mercy. Can you begin to believe the words of Hebrews 10:16b–17? Not only does God forgive, but God forgets what you have done in the past.
Perhaps this is a moment to remember that God is a good and loving God.
In early recovery, many addicts stumble over the phrase "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." This encouragement to forgive yourself but not forget your past struggles rings hollow to many addicts in early recovery who are filled with deep regret. If you find yourself in a place of overwhelming remorse at this point in your recovery, take heart. Most of us do. Know that in time, the healing journey of recovery will help you begin to forgive yourself and others so you can finally own the memories of the past without them owning you.
The God-Shaped Hole
Over 350 years ago, Pascal, a philosopher and mathematician, recognized how often we try to fill the emptiness within us with "things" (substances, food, relationships, sex, prestige) that simply will not last nor sustain us. If you are working through this book, you have been trying in vain, perhaps for a long time, to fill this void with sexual behavior.
Sex in itself is not bad. In fact, it is beautiful and a gift from our Creator. Healthy sexuality is not a problem. When sex is compulsive, however, it becomes a problem. Pascal referred to this emptiness within us—this void, this vacuum that yearns to be filled—as a "God-shaped hole" because he recognized that only God could fill this hole.
As a Christian, you probably experienced a great deal of shame over your compulsive sexual behaviors. This shame likely led you to be even more profoundly aware of your God-shaped hole. You may have felt even more empty inside. Often, this leads to changes in frequency, type, or risk of sexual behaviors, a phenomenon that addiction specialists refer to as tolerance. Over time, your soul became increasingly disconnected from God as the God-shaped hole grew. Meanwhile, your attempts to fill this void also escalated.
An important task of early recovery is recognizing the futility of trying to fill the God-shaped hole with compulsive sexual behavior. At this point, you likely are realizing that for some time, perhaps for many years, you have been unsuccessful in trying to manage your sexual behaviors. Your compulsive sexual behaviors are an attempt to put a "square peg in a round hole." No matter how hard you have tried to force the issue, these sexual behaviors simply cannot fill the vacuum inside of you. Only God can.
In some respects, the process of recovery is a combination of both emptying yourself of thoughts, behaviors, and feelings that compromise