void with new thoughts, behaviors, and feelings that support your recovery. As you acknowledge the God-shaped hole within you, you begin to work collaboratively with God to empty that which does not feed your soul. By doing so, you consciously fill the void in ways that feed your soul and support your recovery.
Scripturally, this is captured in Paul's first letter to the church of Corinth when he wrote, When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me (I Corinthians 13:11). If you have ever parented or watched young children, you know that there is a period of development where children are selfish. The words "me," "no," and "mine" form the foundation of their vocabulary. They simply want what they want and can be quite adamant in their attempts to get it. In all likelihood, when you were active in your addiction, this described you. Most addicts become very self-centered and are unable to see how their behaviors are negatively impacting those around them. This leads to self-centered behaviors that are entitled ("me"), rigid ("no"), and controlling ("mine").
In recovery, you are putting away childish things.
Even as you are committing to change, you will find some residuals of your addictive sexual behavior. These may include
•memories of previous sexual experiences that may trigger you sexually
•flashes of pornographic images or themes of images that you have looked at frequently in the past
•an "out of nowhere" sexual fantasy
•sexualizing others in nonsexual situations (for example, looking at sexual "parts" of others without seeing the whole person)
•sexualizing conversations or using sexual humor
Many of these behaviors are normal reactions to the process of "detoxing" from your sexual addiction. While you want to mindfully stop these experiences as soon as you realize they are occurring, do not beat yourself up for them and thereby exacerbate your shame, as this can become fuel for further addictive sexual behavior.
Shame Solver
When you engage in addictive sexual behaviors, do the following:
1.Make instant amends to yourself and to God by stopping the behavior.
2.Say a brief prayer asking for forgiveness. When you pray for forgiveness, remember what Jesus said about forgiveness. When asked by Peter whether he should forgive someone up to seven times, Jesus responded that forgiveness should be offered not seven times, but seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22). We think that Jesus' point here was not that forgiveness should be offered 490 times (70 x 7) but rather should be given freely. If we ask God earnestly for forgiveness, it will be freely given.
The good news is that, over time, these residual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors will begin to decrease and living a life in recovery will become easier.
Emptying
•What is one thought (about yourself, others, or God) that you sometimes have that does not support your recovery?
•What is one behavior that you still do that does not support your recovery?
•Describe one emotion that triggers you sexually.
Filling
•What is one thought (about yourself, others, or God) that will support your recovery?
•What is one behavior that supports your healing and recovery?
•What is one emotion that supports your healing and recovery?
In early recovery, it may be difficult to be clear about thoughts, behaviors, and emotions that support recovery. If you are unclear about your reflections, take time to consult with your safe counsel to make your list more complete.
Attachment to God
Your views about God may have been formed as you grew up. A person's relationship with God is far more complex than simply believing whether or not He exists. Since God can be experienced but not seen, each of us develops two types of representations of God. Researchers call these doctrinal and experiential.
Doctrinal Representations of God
Doctrinal representations, also called "head knowledge," characterize what you have been told about God by church leaders, family members, and others. This may be what you think you should believe about God.
Experiential Representations of God
Each of us has our personal experiences and representations of God, sometimes referred to as "heart knowledge." To identify what you truly believe, try to:
•Let go of what you have been taught, your "head knowledge" of God.
•Take a few minutes to prepare yourself by closing your eyes, breathing deeply and asking God to lead you into the internal places (thoughts, feelings) that you need to access for this activity to be beneficial.
•Do you believe in your heart that God is available to you?
•Do you believe that God is responsive to you?
•Do you believe that God is engaged with you in your sexual addiction recovery?
•In your heart, do you believe that God has, at some point, abandoned you either in your addiction or in your recovery process? Do you fear that God might abandon you in the future?
•Do you worry at times that you may not be good enough to be loved by God?
It's important to remember that we all have some disparities between our "head knowledge" (what we believe or have been told about God) and our "heart knowledge" (our experience of God).
This is not an exercise to shame you about how you experience God. Instead, it is intended to help you see where you struggle in your relationship with God. You may have found you are insecure about your attachment to God.
If you feel that God has or might abandon you, you most likely experience anxiety. If this describes you, you might meditate on the words of Deuteronomy 31:6:
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
If you fear that you are not good enough for God to love you, you may be avoiding your relationship with God. If this describes you, meditate