in its many forms. Many years ago when I was shopping at Costco, I found the most delicious, moist chocolate cake. And it was gigantic! The first bite was so exquisite I couldn’t help taking another and another and yet another. But, after a few bites, it wasn’t quite as good. Don’t get me wrong; the cake was excellent, but each progressive bite wasn’t quite as good as the experience of that first bite. And because the cake was so big, there was no way I could eat the entire thing in one sitting, so it lasted for quite a while. After a few days, I was pretty tired of that cake. By now you’re probably wondering, “What does chocolate cake have to do with happiness?” My answer to you is “Quite a bit!” Let me explain.
Studies have shown that when we get something that is new and wonderful, eventually we get used to it, and after a while, most of these wonderful feelings get less intense. This is true of everything—a new car, new job, favorite ice cream, sitting on the beach after weeks of work—as well as those bites of chocolate cake. When we get used to something, when the newness of it has worn off, we stop enjoying it as much.
One of the key factors of happiness is keeping things new and not getting into a rut. Then, we will enjoy life a lot more. But how do we do this? How do we keep our hearts and minds new, fresh, and alive? It is not so difficult. Let’s explore this together.
First, we must remember that it is nothing but our own mind that keeps us from viewing things as new and fresh. We tend to label or categorize things, and when we do so, we stop truly seeing them. There is a wise old saying that goes, “Once I see a sparrow and name it, I stop seeing it.” Once we have set expectations about something, we stop seeing it. The same principle applies to our experiences. Once we have a great experience—and usually we perceive this initial experience to be the most intense—we relate everything back to it and seek the same high again. But life doesn’t always give us the same high again, particularly if we compare and contrast our experiences. It is this constant comparing and contrasting that keeps us from enjoying things in the present, right here and right now, and from feeling fresh, new, and alive with a wonderful richness and fullness beyond imagination.
There is a fun way we can experiment with this idea. Let me use my own experience as an example. On one Father’s Day, I went with my children to the Getty Center, one of the most beautiful museums in the world. When I was there, some exquisite artwork was on exhibit, and I viewed it as I usually do. When I look at artwork, I first read the plaque and the artist’s name, but then I just stand back and take in the colors, forms, and shapes. I don’t label anything; instead, I simply open up my heart and, in a sense, feel the painting in a visual, more intuitive way. By letting my experience cogitate inside me at an emotional level, my emotions affect an outward expression.
Try this when you next see a work of art you would otherwise dismiss. Just stand back and, without judgment, look at it. Let your eyes move comfortably around the piece, see if you can feel what the artist was trying to convey, and let the work tell you its story. This is a wonderful way to interact with art. Actually, it is a wonderful way to interact with life!
Yes, sometimes we do need labels. Labels are important in remembering the past and particularly in identifying dangerous things.
However, we miss out on so much of life when we’re wrapped up in our own notions of how things should be or look or behave, instead of just experiencing what is before us.
I have a special way of helping people get beyond the comfort of labels. At retreats I hold and other presentations, I bring high-quality, dark chocolate to share with everyone. Before we sample the treat, I say, “Let’s pretend we are all aliens and have never seen this substance before. First, let’s smell it and touch it and see what it’s like. Then, if we think it’s safe, let’s put it to our lips and see if we have any adverse reaction. Then, let’s put it to our tongues, still seeing if anything happens. What does it taste like? Then let’s put a piece—not too big—into our mouths and hold it there without chewing or swallowing. Just keep the chocolate there and see what happens.” At the end of this exercise, the chocolate seems to be the most exquisite piece of candy we’ve ever had in our lives! If you don’t believe me, try this exercise yourself.
Now, this chocolate is high quality, but that has nothing to do with how we react to it. Instead, it seems to be the best chocolate in the world because we are experiencing it with all-new senses—fresh eyes and taste buds and smells. This exercise applies across the board, to everything in life. If we learn to quiet our minds and just be present with what is, then we learn to experience all the beauty and freshness of the world in a new, pristine state.
When we label, we don’t see this nearly as well. We must realize and constantly remember that we tend to over-analyze. Our minds are going and going all day long, and we must learn how to still them and simply to enjoy life as it is right here, right now. It is all just about being aware. Once we are aware of how much we label, we’ll start labeling less.
I love going on walks and listening to the birds and seeing the fresh flowers. Because I don’t label them, I notice them each time as something new and wonderful. Life can be a wonderful adventure if we quiet our minds, stop labeling, and just enjoy the wonderful journey. If we see everything around us as new, we will enjoy life better and our experiences will be more intense, richer, and fuller. Even things we are used to seeing all the time will be better because we will see them with new eyes. All the details, large and small, will be enhanced.
It requires work and effort to create this way of thinking, but if we put forth the effort, we can successfully achieve this new way of perceiving and living. Once we stop labeling things and get out of our heads and just be, the entire, beautiful universe opens up to us. Then, we will reap the benefits, finally aware of all the richness in life that has always been there but constantly overlooked.
Learn not to label things and, instead, see everything in this world as new and exciting. You will truly be amazed!
Chapter Three
The Importance of Being Earnest to Be Happy
Are there only certain people that can be happy? In other words, is happiness limited to only a select few?
The great news is that any one of us can be happy, no matter our circumstances. It doesn’t matter what we start out with in this world; we all can end up living a happy and joyful life. However, there is one thing that we need in order to achieve this—a principle that works across the board in life in general and with happiness especially: success.
What is needed to succeed? In my private practice in Newport Beach, California, one of the most exclusive zip codes in the world, I see the answer to this question all the time. The people I work with in Newport Beach are all very successful at what they do. What is the key, unifying ingredient that I see when working with these people? It is that they work hard and are earnest about being successful. They want to be successful, they learn from their mistakes, and they keep going forward.
A lot of people work hard but aren’t necessarily successful. It’s not just about hard work; it’s also about working smart. Teachers, for example, can work really hard but aren’t necessarily recognized for their efforts. But, if a teacher develops her skills, learns from her mistakes, moves forward, and keeps improving, she may end up being recognized as Teacher of the Year. That teacher worked smart.
Interestingly, once you are successful at something, you tend to breed success, seeing it return to you again. For example, in 2011, we were mired in a pretty rough recession. My clients in Newport Beach felt the effects of the bad economy, but because they’re very gifted professionally, they adapted to the changes, moved forward, and continued to be successful.
As long as what you are pursuing is realistic, you can do it. However, if you want to achieve something outside the probable, such as become an Olympic athlete when you are past your prime and lack coordination, for example, this may not be feasible. Achieving something like this is possible, but you need more than hard work and earnestness. You also need the right physical attributes, special talents, and special circumstances. Since there’s a limited pool of people with the right combination of these factors, not everyone can achieve something specific like this.
But