For all the girls who love me, even when I don’t deserve it. For my grandmother, Yolonda. For my mother, Sabrina. For my twin, Nicole. For my sisters, Natasha, Isabella and Hannah. For my friends: Juliette, Lauren, Rebecca, Melissa, Annika and Ariane. For my cousins: Anne Marie, Mary and Brisa.
Author's Note
There are many topics I initially wanted to explore in this book such as female friendships, equality, femininity versus masculinity, the struggles of modern dating, professional careers, marriage and children, and so on. But after writing the first chapter, I came to understand that these topics can’t be adequately explored without first exploring one of the major problems that all girls, myself included, struggle with: self-worth. So, I’ve decided to dedicate the entire book to this topic.
While I will include references to all the other topics listed, I will wait to explore them fully in another book. That said, please be aware that this book is not intended to be an argument packed with facts and statistics; it’s largely anecdotal, using advice and stories from my own life experience and the life experiences of girls I know as a way to be encouraging. Lastly, most of the stories in this book are true, but I have changed names, relations, dates and even genders for the purpose of protecting privacy.
1
“We know what we are, but know not what we may be.” —William Shakespeare
Dear Girls…
I didn’t want to write this book. In fact, the last thing in the world I ever thought I’d be doing was writing such a book.
During my teenage years, I had very few female friends. I believed myself to have a mind more similar to the boys, and as a result, convinced myself that I would never be able to connect with girls. Ridiculous, I know. It goes without saying that this was a flawed state of mind, but it was born out of a desire to be regarded as “one of the guys,” or as somehow more unique and special than other girls.
While it’s true that some girls may understand or even appreciate the male mind better than others, as a whole, there is no comparison. Boys and girls are worlds apart, both mentally and physically; it was only until after I accepted this reality that I was able to see girls for the wonders that they are, or that they have the potential to be. I started to develop female friendships—not the superficial kind where girls meetup simply to gossip, but the sincere kind. The kind where competition is innocent and healthy, and where girls act for one another as confidants, advisors, supporters and companions.
Considering all the female friendships I have made, and all the girls I have come to love, is what convinced me to sit down and write this book. Not because I want to write it, but because I must write it. My intention isn’t to prove nor is it to judge. My intention is simply to encourage. Perhaps you could describe this book as a love letter to all the girls I know and do not know who are experiencing the struggles of womanhood which are commonly felt but rarely discussed.
Self-Worth: The Ultimate Struggle
Do you love yourself?
If now, or at any point in your past, you would’ve answered “no” to this question, then you and I have something in common.
During my teenage years, and even at certain periods during my early twenties, I also would’ve answered “no.” Like many other girls, I was battling an extreme lack of self-worth that blossomed within me like a bouquet of razors. Few of my relationships—both friendships and romances—were long-lasting, and even worse, few were sincere. But how could my relationships have been long-lasting and sincere? A person cannot give what they do not have. And since I didn’t love myself, I had no love to give to others. Of course, this doesn’t mean I never had the desire. I often did wish to give love, but whenever I tried, it was the equivalent of offering my bouquet of razors. Every attempt ended in a wound.
Lack of self-worth can stem from many things. Among the most common are: negative comparison, rejection, bullying, inauthenticity, purposelessness, betrayal and guilt. Obviously, any number of other issues can activate a lack of self-worth, but since the issues listed above are ones that I, and many other girls I know, have personally experienced, I will only touch upon them.
Before I begin, though, I think it’s important to clarify that experiencing periods in our lives when we struggle to love ourselves is perfectly normal. Facing a lack of self-worth doesn’t make us outcasts; on the contrary, it probably makes us more relatable. At one point or another, almost every girl in the entire world—no matter our age or the country we are from—will have to fight the same battle. Some of us will win and some of us will lose. But those of us who win will do so for two reasons: because we are able to see the battle for what it is, and even more importantly, because we have the right weapons to fight it.
2
“Comparison is the death of joy.” —Mark Twain
When You Think You’re Not Good Enough
When I was younger, I used to paint from life—portraits mostly. Oftentimes, painting proved frustrating because no matter how long and carefully I worked, I could never precisely capture the likeness of my model. All of my finished paintings seemed lacking in comparison. Over time, I learned that “precise replication” should never be one’s goal—not in art or in any other creative endeavor. Artists should strive to bring their own personal touch to their craft. Only in doing so can they provide a unique and personal vision of the world. As you may have guessed, this oppressive comparison didn’t improve my painting. Quite the opposite, it hindered my progress.
Inadequacy, or the feeling of not being good enough, generally originates when we negatively compare ourselves to others, or worse, when we hear others negatively compare us.
Comparing ourselves to others is oftentimes unavoidable. One reason for this is because comparison is a natural means of measurement; it is a method by which we come to realize the quantity or value or nature of a thing. But problems arise when this comparison is either inaccurate or just plain false.
At one point or another, we have all compared ourselves to siblings, to friends or even to strangers, and most likely concluded that this or that person is better than us in some way. Perhaps we believe they are more intelligent. More humorous. More charismatic. More beautiful. More successful. In drawing such harsh and critical conclusions about ourselves, there is only one outcome: inner discontent.
The discontent might start small, in the form of harmless insecurities, but if we don’t immediately make an effort to master these insecurities, eventually they will grow. They will become more and more difficult to control with each passing day, until eventually, we surrender the dominant role to our insecurities. We might even start walking down the dark and lonely road of self-hatred.
For the past two years, I’ve been a political YouTuber. Due to the fact that I recently got engaged, I’ve made the decision to pull a bit back from YouTube; I want to focus primarily on becoming a wife and a mother, and to dedicate my free time to writing books. But back when I was immersed in the vast network of political commentators, activists and journalists, I often struggled with self-comparison. Most of my fellow political YouTubers made more effective and informative videos than me. Their videos were better quality, and they also got more views. On top of this, most of them were far more intelligent and articulate. For a time, the reality that I would never be as good as them was difficult to accept. I pushed myself to absurd limits, forgoing my physical and mental health in the process. I worked so hard that I rarely slept; as the months wore on, my appearance turned hollow and sunken. I lost an unhealthy amount of weight because I didn’t give myself sufficient