It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear. Vicki Lansky

      Table of Contents

       Title Page

       Acknowledgments

       Introduction

      

       DIVORCE IS A CHALLENGING TIME

       Copyright Page

      Special thanks to:

      Constance Ahrons, PhD; Gail Berkove,PhD; Melinda Blau; Sally Blush, Cynthia and Brittany Crosby; Miriam Galper Cohen;Elizabeth Hickey; Steve King, MSW; Adaire Lassonde, SSND, LISW; Gary Neuman, PhD; Francie Paper; Dessa Rosman; Pamela Panasiti Stettner; Meg Zweiback.

       Introduction for Parents

      When children whose parents are divorcing realize that Mom or Dad has left the family home, their certainty that the other parent will not disappear is shaken. They often receive conflicting messages from their divorcing parents, adding to their confusion and anxiety. Children can make false assumptions—including self-blame—to try to deal with the insecure and changing world in which they now find themselves.

      As children watch how their parents act out anger toward each other in the divorce process, how do they know that their parents won’t act in a similar way toward them? Some children react by being very good, fearing that the same anger will be directed towards them—or, worse yet, that they will cause the other parent to leave, as well.

      It is natural to be angry at an exiting spouse; it is not okay to show your anger in front of your children. You don’t have to like your former (or soon-to-be-former) spouse to behave in a courteous manner. This is done every day by thousands of teeth-gritting adults. My book, Vicki Lansky’s Divorce Book for Parents, can help you with the nuts and bolts of how to do this. The reward for such mature behavior is the emotional well-being of your children.

      As you read It’s Not Your Fault, KoKo Bear, you may think MaMa and PaPa Bear are unrealistically polite and even-tempered. KoKo’s family might not look like your family. But it can, if you so choose. How you handle your parenting when you are parenting apart will make all the difference in the life of your child.

      I hope that you will encourage your child to take this little book along to be read at each parent’s home. Hearing the same message read by both Mom and Dad can reassure your child that he or she is loved and will be cared for by both of you.

      —Vicki Lansky

      One day MaMa and PaPa Bear say to KoKo, “We have something very difficult to tell you. We are getting a divorce, KoKo Bear.”

      KoKo Bear does not understand. “What is a divorce?” asks KoKo.

      “Divorce is when grown-ups decide they will not live together anymore,” answers MaMa Bear, “and one of them moves out of the house. Divorce means that now you will have two homes instead of one. PaPa and I each will have a home of our own and you’will spend time in both of them. We both will still take care of you, but MaMa and PaPa Bear will live apart.”

      PaPa Bear tells KoKo, “I will be moving into a new place soon and it will be your home when you are with me.”

      KoKo is not happy. KoKo does not think this is good news.

      • Children need to know what is happening and how they will be affected by your separation. This includes specific details about the time they will be spending with those they love—both of you, their grandparents. babysitters or even a pet.

      • Children should never be asked who they want to live with or to take sides in one parent’s anger toward the other. This presents a loyalty dilemma that can only confuse and upset them.

      • Children think in simple and magical ways, believing that a mere wish or thought can come true. It is very easy for young children to believe that the divorce is their fault and that they can stop it by wishing hard enough.

      • Children need to hear age-appropriate reasons for your divorce. They do not need to hear about your anger or your blame.

      When PaPa Bear moves out of the house, everyone feels very sad. KoKo begins to cry.

      “It’s okay to cry, KoKo,” says MaMa Bear. “Tears can help wash away some of the sad feelings. The divorce makes me sad, too, and there are times when I cry. I know sometimes PaPa Bear cries about the divorce, too.”

      KoKo says, “I want PaPa Bear to live here. I don’t want him to leave. I don’t want two homes!”

      “I know it will be difficult not having PaPa live here,” says MaMa Bear. “He won’t be moving back, but PaPa will come here tomorrow to pick you up and take you to see his new home. Now let’s pack some of your toys and clothes for you to take with you to PaPa’s place.”

      KoKo is confused and scared.

      • There is nothing more difficult than being separated from one you love. It’s natural for a child to miss the other parent—even a parent who may seldom have been around. This does not mean that your child loves you any less.

      • Crying is not a sign of weakness for a child—or a parent. Leaving or being left by someone you love hurts and crying is an honest and natural reaction to feeling sad.

      • It’s hard to accept children’s hurt and anger over your divorce. Be patient. Dealing with separation is usually a much newer idea for them than it is for you.

      • It is normal for children to hope their parents will reconcile, especially when their parents’ anger isn’t noisy or visible. Accepting your child’s hopes and responding to their questions in a straight forward but kind manner is the best you can do.

      “What do you think of my new home, KoKo?” asks PaPa Bear.

      “It’s okay, but it feels strange. Why do you have to live here, PaPa? I want all of us to live together. Did I do something bad? Is that why you left?” asks KoKo.

      “Oh no, KoKo, you did not do anything wrong,” answers PaPa Bear. “The divorce is not your fault. I didn’t want to leave you. There are lots of hard-to-understand reasons why parents get a divorce. Grown-up bears can become very gruff and growly toward each other. They can hurt each other or change in ways that makes it impossible for them to live together.