I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL
TUCKER MAX
CITADEL PRESS
Kensington Publishing Corp.
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Introduction to the Movie Tie-In Edition
Author’s Note
THE TUCKER MAX STORIES
The Famous Sushi Pants Story
The Night We Almost Died
The Blowjob Follies
Everyone Has “ That” Friend
Tucker Fucks a Fat Girl; Hilarity Ensues
The Now Infamous Tucker Max Charity Auction Debacle
Quite the Vacation
Tucker Goes to Vegas
Floss
The Foxfield Weekend
The Austin Road Trip
My Key West Trip
Girl Beats Tucker at His Own Game
Tucker Tries Buttsex; Hilarity Does Not Rnsue
This’ll Just Hurt a Little
The Ut Weekend
The Pee Blame
Tucker Goes to a Hockey Game
The Absinthe Donuts Story
The Most Disturbing Conversation Ever
She Won’T Take No for an Answer
Tucker Ruptures his Appendix
The Sex Stories
Tucker has a Moment of Reflection; Ends Poorly
The Dog Vomit Story
The Midland, Texas, Story
The Worst Tucker Story Ever
Snoop Story
Tucker Goes 3-Minute Dating; Hilarity Ensues
The Tucker Max Book Tour
Appendix 1
Appendix 2
Photographic Insert
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
TheBunny—For whatever issues we’ve had, and there have been many, no one has been more solidly in my corner. Not my parents, not my friends, not even my dogs. She is a very special person. [BTW, she is an excellent writer in her own right and I suggest you check out her site: thebunnyblog.com. But finish my book first.]
PWJ—I am a proud and complex man, and as a result, I have to face most of my problems alone. But sometimes even I need someone to go to, and PWJ was there to help pull me out of the two lowest points of my life. Friends like this are beyond rare; they are priceless in the truest sense of the word.
Nils Parker (aka Drunkasaurusrex)—I would call him the Robin to my Batman, but that underestimates the importance of his contributions. Robin is replaceable; Nils might not be.
Donika Miller—It’s hard to describe why Donika has been so important to my development as a writer. She is someone who really gets it, but isn’t seduced by my bullshit. She sees through the crap to the real issues, she isolates the problems I don’t see, she does more than just add value—her critiques turn good writing into great writing.
My law school friends get a separate mention, not only because they’ve had to put up with more shit from me than almost anyone, but because more than half these stories wouldn’t exist without them playing the foils: PWJ (he gets two mentions), SlingBlade, Hate, Credit, JoJo, Golden-Boy, El Bingeroso, JonBenet, and Carolyn (my first year roommate). In a very real way, these guys helped mold the person I am today.
Those who have always been there to help whenever I asked, who’ve saved my ass in several situations, and who otherwise have contributed something tangible to this book: Luke Heidelberger (without whom my site probably wouldn’t work at all), Max Wong (my mentor in the entertainment business; plus she gives great critique), D-Rock (who has gotten me out of lots of fights and always calls my shit out when I need it), TheCousin (the JV me), Dickless Vonboffinsheep Bedwettter, the Turd (always willing to give me a vacation spot), Junior, Skippon, Sharts, Ford, Elliott Throne, Josh Sall, Zach Albarron (the craziest guy I know), Laura, Christine (whose commentary was golden), and all my other “real life” friends.
I have to thank my agent and my editor. My agent, Byrd Leavell, has not only believed in me from day one, he has fought for me where almost no one else would. I am probably too fucked up to ever get married or even have another serious long-term relationship with a woman, but I can’t imagine dumping Byrd. As for my editor, Jeremie Ruby-Strauss: I’ll get all the press and the credit, whatever there is, for this book, but he deserves some of it. He not only got my vision for this book, but actually fought all the bullshit bureaucratic battles to maintain that vision. Without these two guys, I would still be just an Internet writer.
To anyone I’ve forgotten who should have been in here: I am a bad person and I’m sorry, but if you know me well enough to deserve to be in the acknowledgments, you already know that.
[I’m also going to throw in a thank you to the moderators on the Tucker Max Message Board. It’s a weird place, but they do a great job making it fun (and making me enough money in the process so I could finish this book in peace without having to worry about paying bills): Joseph “JoeyHustle” Hansen, Jon Tando, Ben Hanson, Erin O’Leary, Jess Allen, Brian Stieglitz, Mike Gill, AncientMariner, Boozy, SoylentGreen, CJ*, Dark Helmet, DietCokehead, Foxfyre, Wahoo, KimChi, madd scientist, Slappybird, SqueekyCleen, and WillyDuer.]
I want to give special thanks for the revised and expanded edition to Bart Fehr and Dorit Iacobsohn. They did an amazing job copyediting my work.
INTRODUCTION
to the Movie Tie-In Edition
The creation of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell: The Movie was built, in no small part, on the popular success of this book. From the soldiers who passed their tattered, dog-eared copies around the platoon to the travelers who bought it in the airport before catching a flight to the ones who stole it from next to the shitter at their friend’s house and forced him to buy another copy, all of you helped make this movie a reality. It was your desire to laugh and your fundamental lack of basic human decency that propelled I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell to the top of the New York Times Best Seller List and into theaters across the country. For that, we owe all of you a real debt of gratitude. So thanks.
—Nils Parker, producer and co-writer of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell: The Movie
Nils is right, thanks are in order for everyone who worked on the book and on the movie. Thanks to all of you, I appreciate everything each of you has done.
But there’s one man whose battles and sacrifices and struggles stood out from the crowd. This person, more than everyone else combined, is responsible for the greatness that is this book and the awesomeness that is the movie.
He struggled for years, fought the system, turned down the easy payday, and kept true to himself and his art. His unwillingness to compromise his vision and his steadfast belief in his abilities were inspirational, watershed moments in the history of creativity that we called upon in times of indecision and crisis. His superhuman effort brought all of this together, and without him, none of us would be enjoying any of this. I owe him everything.
And so we ask Mr. Tucker Max