the brothers, Paxton and Phoenix were the only ones under six feet. Phoenix was slim while Paxton was all muscle and that did well for him as a bull rider. He was as tough as any bull he’d ever ridden, with grit and determination unequaled by any cowboy. That was one of the things she had loved about him.
She sat at the table and sipped her coffee. “Why are you here, Paxton?”
He gripped the hat in his hand. “I came over here to apologize for my behavior. My mom said I took the coward’s way out and she was right. I should’ve called you.”
“You needed your mother to tell you that?”
“Come on, Jenny.” He motioned toward the chair. “May I sit down?”
“If you must.” She took a gulp of coffee, hoping it would boost her wide-awake, recharge her batteries and possibly make her a beautiful blonde.
“I’m going to be completely honest.”
“Now, that would be refreshing.”
“I’ve never lied to you, Jenny, even when you asked me about other girls, I told you the truth. The last time we broke up, I told you it was for good. We couldn’t keep doing what we were doing. It wasn’t working for either one of us.”
She remembered how much that had hurt. But then, all their breakups had been hard. She’d just never thought...
“Can you remember the last time we had sex?”
Her eyes jerked to his. “What?”
“I can’t. Can you?”
She just stared at him and resisted the urge to smack him. How dare he ask her that?
“When we were in high school, we needed each other. I was there when your mom died and you listened while I talked about my dad. We leaned on each other because we needed that support and we trusted each other. That turned into much more, but looking back, our relationship was always about friendship. When I started spending more time on the circuit and away from home, I realized there were a lot of pretty women out there who didn’t want to be tied down. I never wanted to be tied down. I told you that many times, but you never seemed to hear me. You wanted so much more than I could give you.”
She twisted the cup in her hand, looking down into the dark depths and seeing that young girl who’d clung to Paxton because she’d had no one else. Her sister had been dealing with her own pain and so had her father. Paxton had soothed all those broken pieces inside her.
“Whatever we had was good and we both clung to it because it made us feel better. But that’s not what real love is. I know what it is now. And when you’re in love, you want to be tied down.”
There was a butter knife on the table and she picked it up and handed it to him. “Why don’t you just stab me in the heart?”
“Jenny, you’re the best friend I ever had and I hate to lose our friendship. But I have to move on now. Please understand that. I will always remember our teenage years as something special. It made me the man I am today.”
Tossing the knife onto the table, she got up to refill her cup. It was almost full, so she poured it down the drain and watched it disappear. Just like her feelings for Paxton. Or as near as they were ever going to.
She hated that everything he was saying was true. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d had sex. It had been a very long time. She’d just kept clinging to the past and hoping those old feelings would come back, but they hadn’t. He didn’t need her anymore and she wondered why she still needed him.
“I think we clung to the past because it was comfortable for both of us, an easy place to be. But we’re older and we need more, or at least I do.”
She turned from the sink, determined to be the adult she was supposed to be. “I’m really trying to listen with an open heart, but it would be much easier to smack you for the hurt you’ve caused me.”
A smile touched his handsome face. “I’ll miss your humor. You always could make me smile and bring me out of the dumps better than anyone.”
“So you really love this Lisa?”
“Yes. She’s all I ever think about. Phoenix says I’m in lust, but I know differently.”
“Do you? You once said you loved me.”
He stared straight into her eyes. “How long has it been since I said that?”
And then it hit her. He hadn’t said it in years. They hadn’t had sex in years. They hadn’t been anything in years, only in her mind. She’d been clinging to the past just like he’d said. It was comfortable and she didn’t want to venture outside her comfort zone. So where did that leave her? Alone echoed through the hollow places of her heart.
And that was what scared her.
The moment she felt the fear inside her, it was gone, and it was replaced with something stronger—her pride. She wasn’t a weepy clinging sort of woman, and she wasn’t going to let him get away with making her feel like one.
“Do you remember the prom?”
He sighed. “Jenny, I don’t want to relive our high school years.”
“I remember the prom,” she went on as if he hadn’t spoken. “What a night.” She leaned against the cabinet, holding on to her cup as if it would keep her rooted to the floor and her emotions in check. “We had such a good time dancing with each other and with our friends. I was dancing with Brad Coleman and you were dancing with his girlfriend, Tonya. When the music stopped, you and Tonya weren’t there. Where were you, Paxton?”
“Jenny...” His sun-browned skin paled.
“Let me see, oh, yes, you were out in the foyer ramming your tongue down her throat. It was our first big fight, but being the big fool that I am I forgave you.” She touched her forehead. “I really should have fool tattooed there, don’t you think?”
“That was my fault, but you were holding out on sex and Tonya...well... You can be a prude sometimes.”
“Oh, no.” She shook a finger at him. “You don’t get to come over here and make me feel guilty. You’re a liar, a cheater and a jerk. I hope you treat Lisa much better than you ever treated me.”
“Jenny—”
“I just can’t believe I spent all these years with a fantasy in my head, because that’s what it was—just a fantasy.”
“I’m sorry you’re hurt.”
“Oh, I’m not hurt anymore.” She placed her coffee cup on the counter. “I’m moving on, Paxton, and that’s an exhilarating feeling. There has to be a nice guy out there somewhere who appreciates fidelity and undying love.” She headed for the hallway and turned back. “Thank Miss Kate for me for forcing you to come over here and apologize. It has opened my eyes and I feel liberated. Have a good life, but I’m really skeptical that you know the difference between lust and love. That’s Lisa’s problem now. Hallelujah.” She walked down the hall, leaving a stunned Paxton staring after her.
She raised her arms in victory. “Oh, yeah. That felt good,” she murmured under her breath. Falling headfirst onto her mattress, she groaned from the pounding in her head. She hoped she remembered all this vividly when her mind cleared, and that she could easily discard her feelings for Paxton. That would be a test in the days to come. There were a lot of guys out there, and she was going to find the perfect one who would love her just as much as she loved him. Oh, God, was that another fantasy?
Were there even guys like that? The ones who believed in true love and fidelity? Of course, she told herself. It may be like finding the proverbial needle in a haystack, but she wasn’t going to give up. She began to softly sing the song “I Will Survive” under her breath and drifted into sleep.