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Double Trouble
Twins and How to Survive Them
EMMA MAHONY
(with chapter cartoon illustrations by Jonathan Pugh)
For my twin brother and Olympic hero, Dominic
Contents
Chapter 2: What Flavour Are They?
Chapter 3: Eating and Exercising for Three
Chapter 4: I Shop, Therefore I Am
Chapter 6: Positive Prem Baby Talk
Chapter 7: Everything You Want to Know about Twin Birth (and Are Too Afraid to Ask)
Chapter 10: Congratulations! Congratulations! The Babies Are Here!
Chapter 11: The Gentlewomanly Art of Breastfeeding Twins
Chapter 12: The Fourth Trimester
Chapter 13: Milestones in the First Year
1. You have an instant family – just add milk.
2. If you get fed up with one, you always have the other.
3. Nobody asks you whether you are going to have any more children (for a year, at least).
4. You never feel guilty about getting more help.
5. You get to eat 4,000 calories a day when breastfeeding (that’s a tub of Häagen-Dazs and a pint of Guinness for lunch).
6. Twins start giggling at each other as soon as they can smile.
7. You make proper use of ‘buy one get one free’ offers at the supermarket.
8. You only have one birthday party to organize every year.
9. You become a local celebrity in the park and playground.
10. Your twins will turn out to be more confident, supportive, innovative, substantial, self-knowing, sought-after and giving than the average singleton.*
Welcome to the club. If you are reading this because you have just learnt that you are expecting twins, sit down. It may be your last chance. Whether you got to this point through good old genetic probability or, like a growing number, via the magic of IVF, congratulations! You are one of the most blessed people on the planet. Twins are the greatest gift in the world. I should know, because I am one. And I’ve never once had to worry about being the only person at my birthday party, because I’ve always had my brother there. And now I am doubly blessed, a twin who’s had twins. What more could a woman want (okay, a career, a little more money, a husband who thinks you’re Kylie, a flatter stomach – oops, sorry).
If you’re reading this and you’ve already got twins, well done! You’ve made it back into the real world. You’ve made it into a shop, fully dressed (or did you buy this online, like most twin mothers?) And there’s more good news. Like it or not, you have just become a lifetime member of the most inclusive club in the world. The twins club is a club where you will never again be stuck for conversation. From now on, you will have enough stories to entertain the oldest of grannies and the youngest of Teletubbies fans. You will discover the universal truth that everyone, old and young, loves twins. And the worse the stories are, the more they love them.
This is useful information to absorb now, because there will come a day when you feel like ‘putting the twins out with the rubbish’ (to paraphrase a comment from a three-year-old sibling). At that moment, you know you can load the babies into the double buggy and someone, somewhere, will stop you and say ‘Are they twins? Aren’t they gorgeous! Well, you have got your hands full.’ And as you nod back in agreement, you will find all those frustrated feelings melt away. It’s a funny thing, motherhood.
But for you pregnant women, that’s all way, way into the future. Right now, all you care about is whether you will find any jeans to fit you in the last month and whether your husband will still love you when he can no longer fit in the bed. So, you’ve got the book in your hands, what are you waiting for? Now all you need is a box of chocolates (‘eating for three’ excuse) and a nice cup of raspberry leaf tea (if ‘nice’ and ‘raspberry leaf tea’ can sit in the same sentence) to settle down and prepare for the onslaught. I won’t keep you too long – I know about pregnancy and attention spans, and I will make any important stuff stand out in bold so you don’t have to try too hard to remember it.
For those who already have their