spoke and I wasn’t sure why. I knew Dan had never heard from Rupert again after he left for America – it was as though Rupert had severed connection with everyone when he boarded that plane – but I’d never known if he and Dan had fallen out before he left.
‘So you didn’t know?’
I shook my head. But of course I already knew – I knew he’d gone to India on an assignment for National Geographic five years ago. I was there when he got the gig. I was there when he told me he was going to turn it down to stay in London to look after me. And I was there when he left – it was me who persuaded him to go.
‘Did you and Dan not stay in touch?’ Rupert asked.
‘For a while,’ I replied. It wasn’t quite a lie.
‘I guess everything changed after Ed died,’ he said, finally acknowledging my father’s death.
I’d forgotten that Rupert called my father Ed. As I recall he was the only person who ever got away with it. Even Mum called him Edward. But Rupert was the son my dad never had, just as Dad was the father Rupert wished he’d had. I had never given enough thought, over the years, to how much Dad’s death affected Rupert; that perhaps he only left because he couldn’t cope with staying.
‘We should go back inside,’ I said. ‘People will wonder where we’ve got to.’
Rupert seemed to snap out of the reverie he was in then. He turned to me and grinned.
‘Really?’ he said.
‘I’m meant to be here for Gemma, not catching up with old flames!’
‘Old flames?’ he replied, raising an eyebrow. ‘Is that what I am?’
‘I don’t know what you are, Rupert,’ I said quietly. ‘I never expected to see you again.’
We stood up then, an awkward silence descending where there had been nostalgic chat. Rupert looked at his watch.
‘I should probably leave if I’m going to catch the last train,’ he said.
‘You’re not staying?’ I felt strangely disappointed at this.
He shook his head. ‘I never expected this either, Jessie,’ he said. ‘But I hope you’ll let me see you again.’
‘I don’t know …’ I began. I didn’t know why I was reluctant. There was so much that we hadn’t said.
‘Can we swap numbers this time at least?’ he asked. ‘Just in case.’
I smiled and nodded as he reached towards me to take his phone out of the pocket of his jacket that still hung from my shoulders. I gave him my number and he tapped it into his phone. Then he typed something else and I heard my phone beep from inside the clutch bag that still rested on the arm of the bench we’d been sitting on.
‘Now you have my number too,’ he said.
I reached for my bag but he touched my arm.
‘Read it later,’ he said. ‘And I’ll leave it up to you to call. I hope you do, but if you don’t want to for any reason, I understand.’
I slipped his jacket off my shoulders and handed it back to him. ‘You’re sure you can’t stay any longer?’ I asked.
He slung his jacket over his arm and glanced away from me. ‘I should go,’ he said.
When he looked back at me, when his eyes met mine, I felt myself slipping – hovering undecidedly. He used to be everything I ever wanted. I knew now that kind of contentment could never be laid at the feet of another person, but was Mum right? Was he still someone I wanted to spend time with?
As he looked at me he closed the gap between us, his hand on my lower back, drawing me towards him. He was so close, just as he used to be.
‘Jessie,’ he whispered. He bent his head towards me, his lips so close I could feel the warmth of his breath. ‘Have you ever wondered “what if?”’
My breath caught in my throat. Part of me wanted to turn away but I couldn’t. Because I had wondered ‘what if?’ – I’d been wondering for the best part of a decade. I’d been wondering as I tried to forget Rupert. I’d even been wondering as I fell in love with someone else. I’d never thought that Rupert had wondered ‘what if?’ as well.
But here he was standing with me in his arms and even though I knew that neither of us were being honest with each other, that both of us had stories to tell, I couldn’t turn away.
When his lips found mine, it felt as though time stood still for a moment, as though the last decade hadn’t happened and we were standing by the River Cam, the centre of each other’s worlds again. As he kissed me, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close, kissing him back. It felt as though nothing had changed. I was kissing Rupert Tremayne and it was glorious.
… The summer after our GCSEs everything changed. When you came home that July you were taller again, nearly 6’3”, broader in the shoulders. You’d started shaving. You felt more man than boy. You felt as though you’d outgrown me, as though you’d left me behind. I didn’t understand why this new version of you suddenly made me feel so strange. It was as though I was scared of who you were becoming.
The Saturday evening after you got back from school, I found you waiting for me when I came home. You were sitting on the steps of my house reading a battered paperback, which you stuck in your pocket when I appeared.
We walked over the bridge towards the Common, towards the Fort St George, the pub we knew we’d get served in as long as we sat in the garden. You held my hand and asked me how I was. From the outside I don’t suppose we looked any different from the two kids who used to play football here before GCSEs and boarding schools. But from the inside everything felt so different. Your hand almost burned in mine and your eyes flicked towards me constantly, as though you were checking I was still there. You had always been so sure of yourself, but you weren’t that night.
I thought I’d worked out what was going on before you turned me away from the pub. A group of people we’d known our whole lives were sitting outside but as soon as you saw them you changed direction.
‘Let’s go for a walk,’ you said. It wasn’t like you to put a walk before a pint.
We walked along the river by the side of the houseboats. We sat on the bench we used to sit on with my dad sometimes, the bench he always sat on when he let us swim in the river. You didn’t let go of my hand. Sometimes it felt as though you’d been holding my hand since my grandmother’s funeral. I never wanted to let you go but I was so sure that what you were going to say would mean that I would have to let go forever.
‘Everything feels different, doesn’t it?’ you asked. You didn’t look at me; you looked out across the river. ‘I think we’re growing up.’
‘I knew this would happen,’ I replied quietly. I wanted to take my hand away, but you were holding on too tightly.
You turned to look at me, your eyes meeting mine.
‘You knew what would happen?’ you asked. You looked panic-stricken. Part of me was glad that you were hurting too.
‘I knew you’d meet someone first. I knew you’d get a girlfriend.’ I looked away again, feeling childish. ‘You’re so good-looking and clever.’ I could hear the whine in my voice. I hated it. You still didn’t let go of my hand and when I looked at you again you were smiling. How could you smile when you knew my heart must be breaking?
‘Who is she?’ I demanded. ‘Do I know her?’ Please don’t let it be one of the girls from school. Please don’t let it be Camilla.
You touched my chin then, turning my head gently towards you. You’d