treadmill, even for a moment, comes soon. These are the people sitting next to you on the train; one could be the person in the cubicle next to yours or the neighbour you pass as you put out the bins. This is me, you, him and her. We recognise the screams and cries for help because we've added to the choir. We've drunk (gorged ourselves, actually) at the fountain of too much, and then felt the ache for relief. But it hasn't arrived and what's left ain't pretty.
Even when we are being pulled in a million different directions, we can feel calm in the chaos. We can move from martyr to centred, and from being ‘over it' to ‘I'm all over it'.
Rather than continue the horror story that plays out in your mirror, I can assure you this: through science-based research I've identified a different path towards a fulfilled life we can walk on; actually, we can bloody well stride on it with the stride of a warrior – confident and purposeful with power. We can take big leaping bounds, not driven through fear, pressure or haste. Even when we are being pulled in a million different directions, we can feel calm in the chaos. We can move from martyr to centred, and go from being ‘over it' to ‘I'm all over it'. We can put busy in its place, telling it to take a back seat for a while.
Yep, that's right – we can become the boss of busy rather than the other way round. Truth.
What would it be like for you if you had these moments of clarity even among the busyness? What if, even when life was rushing at you (sometimes in the form of a toddler with a spoonful of porridge aimed directly at your freshly ironed work shirt moments before you step out the door on your way to a major presentation), you could re-centre, reconnect and come back to what's really important? What would it feel like to rise above the noise and turn up feeling calm, focused and clear on what's important to your day? Huh?
Imagine having clarity about what really mattered to you at any given moment, and being able to make decisions based on that, rather than what's urgent (or at least someone else's urgent).
Imagine being excited about the progress you were making towards those things that truly matter. Even in the moments when it feels like the goal-posts have shifted, significantly – not just to another postcode but to another country – imagine being able to straighten up, grit your teeth and summon another effort. Like a boss. It'd be rad, don't you think?
And, let's face it: the alternative sucks balls. Being in a rut. Ergh.
What the research shows is that one of the unhealthiest places human beings can find themselves is feeling stuck. Despair shows up when we fundamentally believe that nothing will change, and that tomorrow is going to be exactly like today.
So let's make a deal. Let's tell that rut you've found yourself in that you're moving out. The lease is up and it can find itself a new tenant. Because when you truly break free of that feeling of being stuck, it's, well … beautiful. The grass is greener and the sky is bluer. Having belief and evidence that tomorrow is going to be different is such a powerful force it's a life-changer. But let's not get ahead of ourselves thinking about double rainbows and frolicking in pastures watered by unicorn tears. Let's stay grounded because we have much work to do.
WHAT IF NOTHING CHANGED?
Take a moment to take stock of your life right here and now. You've picked up this book for a reason. Something tweaked your interest – even if it was just, ‘What's this crazy psychologist got to say that I haven't already heard before?'
Well, I have a starting question for you, and it's a biggie.
As you consider your life and the stressors you feel on a daily basis, consider the relationships you have, and consider that growing to-do list that consumes and eclipses the pile of ‘damn-I-wish-I-could' items. After considering all this, now think about this:
If nothing were to change for you, what would that mean?
Sure, it sounds a little crazy, but really taking some time to pick at the seams of this question is worthwhile. What would it mean if things kept going as they are? What would it mean in five months' time? What would it mean in five years' time? Take a few minutes, grab a pen and piece of paper, and jot down a couple of words that come to mind for you.
Perhaps you're thinking, You know what, Ali? Life's pretty good and I'm really happy with it. Awesome. Skim-read this book and pat yourself on the back when you read something that makes you think, Yep, got that covered! Keep moving forward, keep making progress and connect it to what matters. You can look for the occasional titbit to help you even more with the stuff you love doing. You're on fire. Keep at it.
On the other hand, if your response is more like a soul-sinking Oh-hell-no/I don't want to sit in this fear, mess and despair anymore/This is not good enough, not yet, now's the time for a reframe. Remember: self-calm, not self-harm.
This soul-sinking feeling now becomes your drive, your reason to do the required work. This is the motivation to ask yourself, ‘Where am I going to make changes?' and ‘How am I going to turn up even when it's really difficult?'
If this sounds like you, we have work to do. It's not easy work and I can't give you a silver bullet that will cure it all overnight, but if you're ready to go through the hard stuff, I can tell you it will reward you. Therefore, read on, you adventurer of spirit. Let's step through this together.
WHAT STATE ARE YOU IN?
When a house is on fire, those hot-as-hell firemen (and firewomen) get to work on putting out the fire. They don't stand there pontificating about the likely causes of the fire or who is at fault. Their task is urgent. They back the truck up, flex their muscles, grab their big hoses and get to work.2
But once the fire is out, the other work still needs to happen. Once the urgency has passed, the fire investigators need to come in and determine the reasons for the fire. And while their insights can't magically reverse the tragic event of a house burning down, if the investigators didn't come in after the fire was out, we'd never see changes to aspects such as building standards or efforts put into building evacuations. The truth is the high-pressure, rapid work of fire-fighting has saved countless lives, but the number of lives saved through carefully considered investigative methods and reporting is unimaginably more.
Sure, for some elements in your life you won't have the time to ask the real question about how you can work better, lead better, handle this situation differently. You'll just need to put the fire out. Now. Toddler running towards a busy road? No time to review your parenting skills, just grab that anklebiter! Work project due in six hours and your computer crashes? No time to research the latest laptop options and customer reviews, just get the damn thing in!
But (and this is a super-big but – like, a Nikki-Minaj-big but) you can't let everything become urgent. A part of you is yearning for the time and space to deal with the big, important issues. So let's not have that swamped. The onus is on you to make this space. My intent is that this book provides you with the permission to do that.
We're going to explore a new possibility as I present you with new ways of facing your day, managing your tasks, and taming your inner voice. You're going to find clarity in your decisions as I show you ways to get clear on your purpose. And I'm not talking exclusively about mahlife'spurpose – the huge stuff – but, importantly, all the other stuff. Like why you're meeting with Sally on Monday morning, and why you're washing up after the kids go to bed. Okay, finding a purpose for that last one might be a little harder but, for now, go with me on this – because when we can connect our daily tasks to what's important to us, the decisions and priority schedules become so much easier.
This book is broken into five parts. The first part addresses that whisper that occasionally builds into a roar, that question that rears its ugly head when it seems the whole world is going batshit-crazy (or when we can't see what to do next) – how do I get my shit together?
Once we've covered getting your shit together (GYST) in part I, we'll go through a simple self-diagnostic to help you identify what to focus on now to move away from three oft-felt cognitive states:
• Check Out: the sense that you don't actually belong in your world, along with the feeling that your contribution is without worth,