step that comes first – our emotions.
To explore this further, consider how you would feel encountering three possible scenarios for yourself. In each of these scenarios, take note of your emotions.
Scenario 1. You just ran into your college roommate for the first time in many years. Imagine for a moment how this encounter would likely play out. Would you be excited to see each other, spilling into old stories about fall homecoming games and late nights studying at the local café? Or would you be embarrassed and ashamed, his or her presence a reminder of how foolish and young you once were? In either case, you likely would feel something. Would you categorize that encounter as pleasant or painful?
Scenario 2. Imagine you are meeting a coworker in the cafeteria the morning following a dispute. You have been concerned that your coworker is unfairly targeting one of your team members and creating unnecessary conflict. On the other hand, he believes you are trying to cover up for your team’s poor performance rather than taking responsibility. Your last conversation was heated, and you agreed to disagree. Now, there he is standing in front of you. How do you feel? Do you imagine this encounter to be pleasant or painful?
Scenario 3. Imagine you are leaving a meeting with your boss during which you both presented to customers. During the presentation, your boss took credit for your ideas and eagerly accepted the praise of the customer. She seems to be oblivious to the problem while you are left baffled. How do you imagine this encounter would likely play out? Would you describe it as pleasant or painful?
The Courageous Leader is about being courageous in tough times. So, what are tough times, and what, exactly, is courage?
• Tough times are situations or people we encounter that create some level of discomfort or pain.
• Courage is what moves us to action in the face of tough times.
Recall a time when you were asked to assess your pain on a scale of 1 to 10, with 2 being little pain, 6 moderate pain, and 10 the worst pain you’ve ever felt. Now, think about the exercise we just completed, considering your emotional responses when you encountered the three different people. What was the level of pain each scenario would have created for you? (Refer to Figure 1.1.)
Figure 1.1 Pain Scale
Most of the time, when we encounter unpleasant people or situations, we experience some level of discomfort and even pain. If you are like most people, confronting your boss about taking credit for your ideas would likely not be comfortable and may even be painful. The fear of that pain is what stalls most leaders. Leaders who lack courage don’t have the necessary conversations with their bosses. Instead, they hedge their bets that somehow miraculously the bosses will figure out how they feel and change their behavior accordingly without them having to say or do anything that creates pain. But let’s take a step back into Reality Ville for a minute and talk about what really happens. What really happens is that the boss keeps taking credit for work that isn’t hers to claim, and the leader puts a lid on the pot of resentment, hoping it doesn’t boil over.
After many years of teaching leaders across the globe how to have tough conversations, I noticed one very consistent dilemma arises time and time again. Individuals would leave the class motivated to provide tough feedback to a boss or stand up for themselves to a peer, or talk with a family member about an unresolved dispute. They would also leave armed with new skills, having practiced the conversations competently, and yet nine times out of 10, they would never hold the conversation, or at least not the version they had prepared for. It left me speechless and wondering what was going on. After considering this more carefully, what I’ve come to understand is that in each of these scenarios, the individuals were both motivated and skilled at facing their tough situation or person head-on, but they lacked the courage to move forward in the face of the pain.
Let’s be clear; tough times are more than just tough conversations. Tough times are tough decisions, tough encounters, tough changes, and tough circumstances. The list of scenarios is endless, but here are some examples that commonly show up in the workplace:
• Standing up to the boss about unethical behavior
• Telling an employee he isn’t cutting it when he seems to be giving it his all
• Restructuring your organization and eliminating positions
• Getting feedback that others don’t believe in you or trust you
• Asking a boss to be more respectful of your time
• Holding someone accountable to his or her commitments
• Disagreeing with your team on an important issue
• Admitting that you made a mistake
Our threshold for pain is entirely subjective. Pain is a stimulus, and how we perceive that stimulus will differ based on our individual propensity to sense it and tolerate it.7,8 I first became aware of this phenomenon about six months into my first pregnancy. The reality that, to have my baby, I would have to subject myself to a tremendous amount of pain hit me hard. Anyone who knows me understands that, when it comes to physical pain, I am likely to be the first to leave running and screaming. In fact, I passed out the first time I had to get blood drawn and almost hyperventilated when I was informed that drawing blood would be a regular routine until the baby was born. Officially, when it comes to pain, I am a wimp. So the prospect of primal-screaming kind of pain during labor just did not seem like a viable option for me, despite knowing that millions of women – literally – had done this before and survived.
I told my doctor that I wanted to schedule surgery. He seemed a little puzzled, sifting through my file looking for an explanation of my request. When he couldn’t find one, he reminded me that I was in good health and so was my baby, and there was no need for surgery. I told him I wanted surgery because I did not like pain. My doctor assured me that there would be pain involved in surgery as well. I asked him whether there would be less pain in surgery than in natural delivery, and he said yes, there would be less pain. When he realized I was serious, he chuckled a little and told me that it was my choice. He said my baby would be healthy and would love me just as much either way. That was all I needed to hear. I left his office with a date for surgery three months later. This, of course, is a decision most moms probably can’t fathom and may even shake their heads at in disapproval. And I’m okay with that. I have two healthy children who love me, and I have no knowledge of the pain associated with natural childbirth. I’ll accept others’ judgment for my ignorance any day. These are consequences I’m willing to accept.
But in leadership, we don’t get to cop out so easily. Or if we do, we suffer bigger consequences with larger impact. In leadership, we are responsible for the collective good we represent. When we don’t address a problem, we create a dynamic that touches all parts of the system – like a pebble that causes ripples through water. As leaders, our actions do not just affect us alone – ever. Others are watching what we do and listening to what we say, their goal being to observe and determine how we will lead when faced with tough times. Even though our pain tolerances – or thresholds – may differ, with what seems routine for one feeling like walking over hot coals to another, as leaders, we are all held to the same standard. Leaders are expected to be courageous.
Here is the good news. Although courage is not easy, it is accessible to everyone. Here is the not-so-good news. The way to embrace courage is to embrace pain. It’s not that courageous leaders derive pleasure from pain but that they are willing to accept pain as part of the process.
Although our threshold for pain is different, we are likely to have a common reaction to it. Let me illustrate this by sharing a story you can likely relate to. After an incredibly long travel day, I finally landed at my home airport and shuffled my way through the crowds to the walkway to the parking