Edwin Alfred Watrous

The Bee's Bayonet (a Little Honey and a Little Sting)


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his purse-strings—wouldn't spend a cent!

      And Naomi as welcome was, I think,

      As hungry roaches in the kitchen sink.

      This is the only case,—I know no other!

      Where widowed wife abided husband's mother;

      Or, where a woman, in such circumstance,

      Would give her son's relict another chance.

      There's Baal and those exalting Gods of brass;

      And Balaam, Prophet: but we'll let him pass!

      And John the Baptist, man who lost his head

      To fair Salomé, tho she cut him dead.

      There's Absalom the Vain, whose hair was long,

      Who, in the final parting, got in wrong:

      And Pharaoh, with chariots and fighters

      Pursuing Moses and the Israeliters;

      Who, half-seas over, when the King dropped in,

      Punished the latter for his divers sin,

      And rescued on the Red Sea bar his folk,

      Athirst for freedom from the Ptolemy yoke.

      While yet the rushes bent beneath the blast

      Of Red Sea winds, a prodigy was cast.

      (From common mold, perhaps, but 'tis enough

      To know that he was made of proper stuff.)

      And little did the Tempest wot his noise

      Was silence likened to the bawling boy's.

      The Earth breathed on the shape and gave it speech,

      Or something vocally akin, a screech.

      Thus Moses had his coming out—and lo!

      He rushed into the arms of Fairy O

      (Daughter of Pharaoh, the mighty King)

      Who bore him to the Palace 'neath her wing.

      Fed on the Milk of Kindness to begin,

      With Medica Materia thrown in,

      He grew until appointed, by decree,

      To Little Egypt, Princess, the M.D.

      Thus Doctor Moses hung his shingle out,

      And soon his fame was heralded about.

      To doctors since, no fame like his doth cling:

      No Specialist: he doctored everything!

      He analyzed and stopped the human leak;

      (His patience was rewarded, so to speak)

      He charged his people to eschew the swine,

      And made the Ten Commandments seem benign.

      Not only as Physician did he rate,

      But as a Surgeon: he could amputate!

      He cut off Pharaoh in his pursuit

      And, by this operation, gained repute.

      He set his people right and made no bones

      Of driving lepers from the Safety Zones;

      He gave them tablets for their moral healing,

      Knowing their pulses without even feeling.

      His praises now resound from every lip

      Because he saved the Jews from Phar'oh's grippe.

      Still 'long the Nile the pink-winged curlews flock

      Where Moses took his henchmen out of hock;

      The minions of Æolus hurtle on,

      Leaving a trail of foam the waves upon,—

      Stopping anon, where restless driftwood crushes

      The lotus pads that hover near the rushes,

      To chant a requiem and breathe a prayer

      Over the spot that cradled Moses there.

      If modern doctors would obey the rule

      Of common sense prescribed by Moses' School;

      If they would note our pulses and our looks

      Instead of feeling of our pocket-books

      And judging circulation by the latter,

      We'd sometimes know, perhaps, just what's the matter.

      What doctor now would diagnosis make

      And call it simple, old-time belly-ache,

      Charging a trifling fee to cure the pain?

      Ah, no! those days will not return again!

      No more, alas! will green-fruit cramps delight us,

      For colic now is styled appendicitis.

      By leaps and bounds have grown the "trifling fees";

      "Five hundred!" now, succeeds "One Dollar, please!"

      And germs, in league with doctors, have their station

      At vital points to force inoculation,

      So that our Systems pay a pretty price

      For ev'ry nostrum, ev'ry fake device

      Known to the School of Quacks: and so we suffer

      Imposed upon by patentee and duffer.

      O, for a Moses! That's our crying need—

      To cure Physicians of unbridled greed

      And probe, no matter where it hurts, the cause

      Of Doctors' strange immunity from laws.

      O! for an instrument—an act or sermon—

      Of Moses' kind—to cut the germ from German!

      And lead them from the Wilderness of Vice

      Whose hearts were warm but now have turned to ice!

      All these and many more increase the lustre

      Distinguishing this brilliant Jewish cluster.

      And Abraham? We save him for the last,

      Tho first in line, renowned Iconoclast.

      Of all the Israelites, the men of mark,

      Who else compares with this grand Patriarch?

      And who besides, of all the racial roots,

      Developed half the lusty leaves and shoots,

      Strong limbs and branches, virile seed? some trunk!

      The Ark, with all this luggage, would have sunk!

      And so 'twere well the Deluge didst o'erwhelm

      The Earth, ere this, with Noah at the helm,

      Else to preserve the chosen and elite

      Of Israel's line would needs have taxed a fleet.

      I love these ancient tribesmen who illumine

      The Archives of the Past: they were so human!

      Their frailties were but habits of the Race

      Since Father Adam set the human pace

      Hitched up with Eve who, chafing at the bit,

      Did well her part or bit, in spite of it.

      But all their mortal weaknesses were nil

      Compared with virtues that their Records fill;

      And good or bad, or medium or fair,

      No Tribe excelled their morals anywhere.

      They freely gave their tithes, but did it pay

      To advertise their wealth? a give away!

      And so their pockets have been worn and frayed

      By frequent contributions they have made

      To