Tony Parsons

Tony Parsons on Life, Death and Breakfast


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      tony parsons

       on life, death and breakfast

       For Dylan Jones From the Roxy to eternity

      Table of Contents

       Eight You Only Wed Twice

       Nine Getting Tested

       Ten A Complicated Young God

       Eleven The Gunfire Next Door

       Twelve Performance Anxiety

       Thirteen Love Handles, Actually

       Fourteen Man and Boy Racer

       Fifteen Junk Sex

       Sixteen Tough Girls

       Seventeen A Bigger Cock Than That

       Eighteen Faulty Modern Men

       Nineteen Get Fit with Fred

       Twenty Gentlemen, Please

       Twenty-One How to Be Happy

       Twenty-Two New Man, Old Lad

       Twenty-Three Fever Bitch

       Twenty-Four Double Standards Now

       Twenty-Five Fake Breasts Don’t Bounce Back

       Twenty-Six The Secret of My Failure

       Twenty-Seven Why Men Stray, Why Men Stay

       Twenty-Eight The Formerly Young

       Twenty-Nine Big World, Small Society

       By the same author

       Copyright

       About the Publisher

       Introduction

      When I was a washed-up music journalist, wondering what to do with the rest of my twenties, not to mention my life, the telephone rang.

      It was a friend on a women’s magazine. She wanted to know if I would write something for them. One thousand words on ‘Commitment’. The man’s view. Sure, I said, before she had a chance to change her mind. I was desperate for work, and the red bills were piling up.

      And that phone call saved my life.

      Because when I sat down to write about commitment for my mate on the women’s magazine, I discovered my subject.

      Sex. Romance. Fathers. Sons. Men and women-especially that-how we struggle to find love, and what we do with it when we find it.

      The great game that never ends.

      My subject had been music, but that had gone by the time I was twenty-five. The musicians I had known, and loved, and written about, had all moved on. Some of them were trying to crack America. Some of them were dead. Some of them were trying to hold on to their sanity. But nobody was where they had been any more.

      I had joined the NME at twenty-two and it was what I did instead of university or National Service. I went in as a boy and I emerged as a man. Or, if not exactly a man, then at least a boy who had taken lots of drugs and met Debbie Harry. But it was never meant to last forever, and it didn’t. By twenty-five I was out of a job, and penniless, and a father. By twenty-nine I was out of a job, and out of a marriage, and penniless, and a single dad.

      So whatever way you looked at it, things were definitely going downhill.

      I had dropped out of school at sixteen with wild, impractical dreams of being a writer. After years of low-paid jobs that ended with the night shift at Gordon’s gin distillery, I landed that job on the NME. They hired me because I had published a novel called The Kids-exactly the kind of callow, feverish rubbish that usually remains mercifully locked in some teenager’s bottom drawer-and, far more importantly, I looked quite good in a cheap leather jacket.

      I was a writer at last. But in the music press, the only vocational training I ever received focused on teaching me about taking drugs with rock stars. How to pass a joint to Bob Marley. The correct etiquette at a Keith Richards’ heroin bust. How to offer Johnny Rotten some of your amphetamine sulphate without making some dreadful faux-pas. When I was on the NME, the creative writing thing was far less important than being able to hang out with Iggy Pop all night. I really wanted to write-it was the only thing I had ever found that I was halfway good at-but after leaving the NME, I found I had lost my subject without even really serving my apprenticeship.

      Until I got that phone call.

      So I wrote my little piece on commitment. And then I started to get other phone calls. The same sort of thing. And I realised that I loved it. Writing about the great game. Men. Women. Family. Fathers and sons. Husbands and wives. Sex and romance and what happens when you can’t tell the difference. And the happy days when there really is no difference. How we feel when it all comes apart, and how we never stop hoping that we will get just one more chance to get it right. Becoming a parent and watching your own parents age and die. Finding love and then misplacing