Staying Alive. Matt Beaumont

      

      Staying Alive

      Matt Beaumont

      

      

HarperCollinsPublishers

      For Sam, spaceman of the future

      Table of Contents

       Cover Page

       Title Page

       Dedication

       nov.

one: like on the telly?

two: nobody died

three: fifteen weeks, four days and an indeterminate number of hours

four: fancy that. outposts of the nhs that examine nothing but balls

five: you’ve been wanking, haven’t you?

six: it’s kind of personal

seven: i have done this before, you know. that’s why i keep my nails short

eight: absolutely dandy

nine: i said run!

ten: trance is the bollocks

eleven: three words

       dec.

one: thoffy, thakki

two: you work in advertising. you earn more in a week than the average filipino takes home in a year. what do you know about crisis?

       three: they asked me to feed their fish

       four: i promise

       five: the pharmaceutical industry is mired in the shite with the arms dealers and big tobacco, murray. they’re little better than a mob of sallow-faced pushers outside a wee kiddies’ playground and it depresses the hell out of me

       six: two jacuzzis (!!)

       seven: back in the land of the living

       eight: you risked a criminal record for a garlic crusher?

       nine: yoo berra gerrootta thuh fookin ruhrd

       ten: do smack, rob banks, screw everyone

       eleven: out of the silo

       twelve: ze vacky guys behint our vunderful adwertisements

       thirteen: i still want us to be

       fourteen: who’s mona?

       fifteen: the best way forward for humankind: mutant antlers or giant lobster claws?

       sixteen: as if

       seventeen: things

       eighteen: he ain’t worth it

       nineteen: i know where i can get one

       twenty: whoops-a-fucking-daisy

       twenty-one: it’s gonna be chocker with dusky totty

       twenty-two: i won’t sink

       twenty-three: why couldn’t he have met a nice spanish girl?

       twenty-four: i won’t say it

       jan.

       one: mike said why didn’t they put a sainsbury’s there? something to benefit the whole community

       two: poor megan

       three: i’m fine

       four: call me completely crazy but i think a byzantine theme might work in here

       five: please don’t jump

       six: exquisite

       seven: you’re a dead bloody cert, chief

       eight: like lena zavaroni

       neuf

       ten: it’s the fucking pig bin

       eleven: bermuda? barbados? somewhere hot beginning with b

       twelve: you should get some west and welaxation.