Full of Excuses,
Maybe what he’s really saying is that he wants you to mail yourself to him in a box. If you’re going to twist words around, why not really go for it? Stop calling your ex-boyfriend. Having his stuff is not really a valid reason to call, it’s an excuse. And every time you use this excuse, he lets you know that he wants his stuff back but doesn’t want to see you. Now, you can make excuses as to why that is, too. Perhaps he’s afraid that seeing you will trigger an avalanche of emotions that he can’t handle and he’ll fling himself into your arms…but we both know that’s not true. The bottom line is, he doesn’t want to see you. That sucks. It hurts. And every call you make is just asking him to reject you again. Take his stuff, put it on his porch—or better yet, put it on your porch and give it to the garbageman so you can finally be rid of that box of excuses to call him.
But what if he calls me?
Dear Greg
I’ve been so good about not calling my ex. But the thing is, he calls me every time he’s been out drinking and wants to talk. I’m still totally in love with him and don’t want to not take his calls, but even when I tell him I can’t talk to him, he doesn’t take no for an answer. He just shows up at my door, tells me he misses me and made a huge mistake. Then one thing leads to another and we end up sleeping together and he’s gone the next day. I know he’s just using me for a booty call, but I can’t help myself. What do I do? I don’t want to have to change my number—what if he needs to get ahold of me in an emergency? Dawn
Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn,
He’s basically saying, “I really love you on Friday from 2 A.M. to 3 A.M. lot. Seriously.” you deserve someone who wants to be with you all the time, not just when he’s drunk and looking to get laid. I applaud the first part of your letter where you say you’ve been good about not calling. That’s a hard thing to do, and I don’t mean to belittle it when I say that taking his drunk phone calls and letting him manipulate you for sex is like taking one step forward and sixteen steps back. I’m sure the drunk booty call isn’t indicative of the loving relationship you once had, so at this point you’re just taking scraps from someone who has relieved himself of any emotional attachment or responsibility to you. Block his number or change yours. And tell him to take you off of his “in case of emergency contact information sheet.” By the way…sex is not an emergency.
But what if I can’t stop breaking into his IM account?
Dear Greg
I know my ex-boyfriend’s password to his instant messenger account. I had the feeling he was seeing a new girl, so I signed on as him (ThePantyMan) and started talking to the girl I had this feeling about (Sarah8476). I asked her if she had fun last night, and where she thought we (they) were headed in their relationship. When she said she’d like to seriously date him, I said, “That won’t be possible. I’m still in love with my ex-girlfriend, you and I are just sex. It’s really all you’re good for.” She signed off. It felt so good to have put an end to that! But now I can’t stop. I go on all the time and talk to girls just to make sure they aren’t seeing him, and if I sense they are acting flirtatious I say something ridiculous to make sure they never talk to him again.
Zoë
Dear IM a Mess,
I’ve got a game you can play—how about pretending not to be completely crazy? Really, what has happened to you? The Panty Man has moved on, or at least he’s trying to, and eventually he’ll meet someone who sticks despite his stupid online name and your sneaky ways. I think it’s time you took a good look at the person you’ve become and realize that you’ve bottomed out. Sabotaging your ex’s love life won’t change the FACT that he doesn’t want to be with you. It only reduces you to a kind of behavior that can’t possibly make you feel good about who you are, because it’s pathetic. And I’d bet pathetic isn’t what you were shooting for in your childhood dreams. Put your computer in the closet, go outside, and get some fresh air into that mixed-up head of yours.
But I’m used to talking to him all the time.
Dear Greg
I was only dating my ex a few months when we broke up, but in that time we fell in love and did everything together. Now that we’re broken up, I can’t stop thinking about him. Everything reminds me of him. Whenever something happens that makes me think of him (which is all the time), I want to call him, or e-mail him, or IM him. He’s nice about it, but then when he tells me he has to go I feel let down. How do I break this addiction? I know I shouldn’t talk to him at all, but I just can’t quit cold turkey. This is killing me. Scarlett
Dear Killing Me Softly,
That’s what breakups feel like. I don’t mean to be a hard-ass, but if they didn’t there would be no need for this book. And you can go cold turkey and you should, because the sooner you do, the sooner the pain will subside. It’s not like you are being asked to dismantle a nuclear bomb; this is something that you can do. Plus, even if he’s civil, he really doesn’t want to hear from you. It’s as simple as this: Call a girlfriend instead. Share your life with someone who cares about you. Take it one day at a time, and whenever you make it through, do something nice for yourself as a reward.
But what if we were best friends?
Dear Greg
My best friend Brian let me know one night after too many tequila shots that he was in love with me. Understand that this was my best friend—not just my best guy friend—for the last seven years. At first I was unsure about taking our relationship to another level, but then I decided that there was no one I’d rather be with and we jumped in with both feet. Things were great for the first few months, and I thought, “Wow! I’m going to end up marrying my best friend.” Well, a few months after that he decided we were better as friends after all and wanted to go back to how things were. I was devastated! I truly fell in love with him and now can’t just go back to being his friend. I would literally die if he started telling me about dating other girls the way he did before this all started. I told him I couldn’t be his friend, at least not for a while—but now I’m going through the most painful breakup of my life because I’ve lost my boyfriend and, more importantly, my closest confidant—the person I shared everything with! It’s so hard not to reach out to him! How do you get through something like this without your best friend?
Jackie
Dear BFF,
Meet your new best friend. It’s you. And your new best friend (who looks exactly like you) wants you to know that while people always want to be friends after they split up, it is virtually impossible. I could be wrong, but a best friend isn’t someone who makes you feel horrible and sad every time you see him. So don’t do it. It’s like making an alcoholic dry out in a bar. It’s hard, unfair, and will only make your pain last longer because you won’t have any distance from it. Remember, life is long, and if you were meant to be friends you will be eventually, but not today. This is crucial: The sooner you stop calling him or spending time with him and work on healing yourself, the sooner the time will come when you can really be his friend (though by then you may not even want to). This is what you have other friends and your family for. And while a broken heart is a broken heart, there’s something to be said for the empathy of friends of the same sex who’ve been there. This is because men and women experience things differently and offer support in different ways. And since your best guy friend has been cut from the team, it seems like an excellent time to let your girlfriends take the lead.
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