hairs on my arms as I’m still that bit too close. The person looks at me and tells me to run.
That was what usually happened in the dream, give or take. Sometimes I climbed out of the wreck. Sometimes I was the one in the van or lorry smashing into the car. But I was always bleeding, and someone was always talking to me in sentences I couldn’t process, except for that one word – ‘run’. Their voice sounded like they were screaming underwater. Last night’s had something new though – something I hadn’t dreamt before – but it was just on the edge of whatever held on to dreams and stopped them coming forward with clarity. I could almost touch it. However, try as I might, I couldn’t quite touch it. I’d been wracking my brain all day to work out what the new thing was, frustrated with myself for not being able to see it.
I desperately wanted to talk to Will about it. To have his professional mind analyse what I had seen, but it was New Year’s Eve and I couldn’t call him, it would be selfish. So instead, I clutched my hand to my phone to stop it from shaking.
My Facebook timeline was full of comments about how hard or wonderful or heart-breaking the year had been, and how 2018 was a fresh start. As clichéd as that was, I felt it too. At some point early into 2018 I was going to ask my girlfriend, who was meticulously applying her eyeliner, to be my bride. We would then probably plan our wedding and honeymoon. Maybe even begin talking about children. A brother or sister for Thomas. Life can change in a heartbeat, so the prospect of an entire year and what change would come was almost too exciting to digest.
‘I’m nearly done,’ Katie called out as she moved on to applying mascara.
‘No rush, darling, we’ve still got time,’ I replied, despite it being close to eight. She smiled at me through the wardrobe mirror and continued applying. I watched her in the glass. I loved the way she pouted whilst she stroked the mascara brush delicately upwards. And how she needed to lean back from the mirror after to look at her handiwork because she refused to wear glasses despite being slightly long-sighted. She caught me looking and I saw her cheeks blush a little, a smile spreading on her face.
‘What?’
‘Nothing, darling. I just like looking at you.’
‘You’re hopeless.’
She was right, I was hopeless and I didn’t care. Getting up I took the necklace that she was struggling to clasp under her hair and clipped it together. A delicate silver chain with a pearl attached. A gift from her father. Once it was secured I stepped closer and held her shoulder, placing a kiss on the space between her neck and collarbone. She smiled, but I could see a sadness in her eyes as she looked at the pearl.
‘We can get up early tomorrow and go see him a day early if you want? I don’t have to drink tonight.’
‘No, it’s okay. Dad isn’t good in the mornings anymore.’
‘If you change your mind, I’m happy to stay on the soft drinks.’
‘Thank you, Dan, but it’s fine.’
‘Do you want to try and ring him?’
‘He’ll be asleep now. I’m sure he doesn’t really know what day it is today. If I call and he is by chance awake, it will remind him. I think I’d rather he wasn’t aware. Does that make sense?’
‘Yes, it does.’
I understood. If her father was aware that it was the start of a new year, he would also be aware it was likely, almost certain in fact, his last on this earth. His cancerous body in its last stages of fighting the disease, a fight he was always going to lose. And although he never said it out loud, with each visit – the ones where his medication was just enough to manage his pain but not so much that he was completely out of it – I could see that he wanted it to be over. So did Katie who, like her father, wouldn’t ever say. It killed me to see her quietly hurting as she fixated on the pearl. But there was nothing anyone could do. It was life, it begun, it ended and all we could do was make sure we had enough wonderful little bubbles floating with us when it was our time to pass.
Turning Katie around, I looked into her deep-brown eyes and watched as her pain lifted.
‘Are you all right?’
‘Yeah, I’m fine, thank you,’ she said before leaning in and kissing me softly. ‘How do I look?’
‘Perfect.’
She smiled and kissed me once more, this time less softly. A smacker landing hard on my lips before she turned to check her make-up one last time. ‘Shall we go?’
‘We could be a little late?’ I said, sliding my hands down her shoulders and onto her hips, pulling her closer.
‘And why would we be late when we are both ready?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know … But I can think of a reason,’ I replied with a cheeky wink.
‘Has that ever worked for you?’ she laughed, wrapping her arms around my neck.
‘I’m about to find out.’
I kissed her neck just under her left ear, the small patch of skin where I knew she loved to be kissed. With my lips placed there I listened as her breathing became heavier and she placed her hands on mine, moving them across her stomach, resting them just under her belly button. Turning her to face me, I kissed her lips, at first softy then, as she pressed herself into me, with more intent. Lifting up her dress I placed my hand back on her hip, my thumb sliding under the elastic of her underwear and, lowering myself, I slid them down her thighs before placing a kiss close to where I could feel heat. She pulled me back up and pushed me onto the bed, undoing and pulling down my jeans before climbing on top of me.
‘We are going to be so late, Dan.’
‘Not that late.’
‘Oh, I see.’
‘In fact, probably only a few minutes.’
‘A few minutes, wow, you know how to spoil a girl.’ She laughed, smiling as she leant in and bit my lip. ‘You’d better not smudge my make-up.’
Daniel
Stamford
31st December 2017, 10.17 p.m.
Even now, I’m shocked at how natural it feels to be with Rachael and Sean. The conversation never faltered as we talked about everything grown-ups could with a six-year-old buzzing around them. In the background Alexa, Sean’s Amazon speaker, played song after song, most of which I hadn’t heard in a long time and some being completely new to me despite Sean telling me they were hits back in the day. We had already eaten together, Sean’s cooking actually surprising Rachael and I. Probably Katie too, but she was being polite by suggesting she trusted his chef’s abilities. Rachael announced he could start cooking more often and I saw him smile proudly.
‘I didn’t doubt you for a second,’ Katie said when Rachael and I expressed our surprise that the food was edible.
‘Thanks, Katie. This is why we’re friends.’
After we had eaten I played on the floor with Thomas, building a Scalextric track that covered most of the lounge. Sean helped move the furniture to create more space and to make tunnels from sofa cushions until, between the three of us, we had entirely turned the room upside down.
Katie and Rachael chatted as we played. I couldn’t hear their conversation clearly, but I heard Katie telling Rachael about her father. Rachael, being a nurse for as long as she had been, spoke comforting words about what the staff will be doing for him in his final months. Most of the time I wanted to be by Katie’s side when she was talking about her dad to give her a shoulder, comfort. But I knew in this instance to let them chat and so focused on Thomas. Rachael knew what she was talking about and I liked that Katie felt comfortable enough to talk about it with her.
With