Life is a funny thing, isn’t it?
Some days, it carries on as normal: you go to work, do what you have to do, then come home and put your feet up with your favourite box set.
And some days, you put on a red jumpsuit and throw yourself out of a plane.
Today is definitely one of the latter days for me. I crouch near the edge of the plane, an instructor strapped to my back, and try not to think about how the next few seconds are going to play out. As the nerves begin to take hold, I glance up at my best friend Emma, who’s standing opposite me. She looks almost as scared as I feel, but flashes me a thumbs up nonetheless.
‘Ready?’ she yells, struggling to be heard over the plane’s ear-splitting engines.
‘As I’ll ever be!’ I reply, nodding my head.
Emma’s instructor announces that they’ll be going first, which only succeeds in making me feel even more terrified. Going first means getting it over with, whereas I’ll have a few more seconds to panic before launching myself out of a plan at 12,000 feet. As Emma shuffles to the edge, preparing to do her jump, I resist the urge to close my eyes. This is supposed to be a fun, exhilarating experience, but now I’m regretting ever having written it on my bucket list.
Emma tumbles away, her whooping and cheering quickly swallowed up by the brisk morning air. Acid rises in my throat; I feel like I’m going to be sick.
‘Are you OK?’ Tommy, my instructor, leans forward to ask the question in my ear. ‘Honestly, there’s nothing to be afraid of. I’ve done hundreds of these jumps and nothing’s ever gone wrong. Well, apart from that one time where I nearly forgot to put my parachute on, but just ignore that.’
I crane my neck round to look at him, feeling my heart drop to my shoes. ‘That’s not really doing wonders for my confidence, Tommy …’
He shakes his head and chuckles. ‘I’m only joking! Are you ready to go?’
‘Not really,’ I admit with a weak smile. ‘In fact, I’m bloody terrified!’
Tommy gently nudges me closer to the edge and my stomach does a series of somersaults. I can’t imagine throwing myself out into oblivion, not knowing where I’ll land. Why I ever picked this to add to my bucket list is anybody’s guess.
‘Perfect time to do it, then!’
I look back just in time to see him grin before we’re out of the plane and amongst the clouds.
*
As terrified as I was before the jump, the feeling of actually doing it is incomparable. There’s a small moment where I float through the sky with Tommy strapped to my back, before we prepare to make our descent. I feel utterly euphoric and terrified in equal measure; I’ve never enjoyed not being in control, but there’s something unique about being amongst the clouds.
Elation spreads through my body as we come to land. For as much as I enjoyed the sky diving experience, there’s nothing that quite beats being on terra firma. Tommy separates us and helps me out of the ridiculously huge jumpsuit.
‘Thanks for that!’ I say, slipping my helmet off and flashing him a smile. ‘That was … amazing.’
I notice his cheeks pink up and he looks at the ground for a moment before his gaze returns to me.
‘Oh, it was nothing,’ he replies. ‘I do loads of these every week … not usually with someone as pretty as you though.’
The blush on his face deepens to scarlet and he rubs the back of his neck as he awkwardly avoids my gaze. I’m not sure where to look myself; my mouth opens and closes as I try to think of the right thing to say.
‘Um … I … Thanks, I guess!’
Very smooth, Cleo.
Tommy smiles, showing off his pearly white teeth. ‘I don’t suppose you’d fancy going for a drink after this? There’s a nice little pub just down the road. Invite your mate too, if you like.’
It’s my turn to blush, as I feel a crimson heat sweep over my cheeks. I run a hand through my hair, which has become a tangled mess thanks to the sky dive, and look up at him.
‘Tommy, I’d love to but … I have a boyfriend. Sorry.’
He nods and I see his smile falter a little. ‘Of course you do. I should’ve known really. He’s a lucky guy, whoever he is.’
He does an awkward little wave and heads off towards the air base. I make my way over to Emma, who’s now been divested of her jumpsuit and untangled from her equally cute sky diving instructor.
‘You and Tommy looked cosy,’ she says with a wink and nudge.
I shrug and avoid her gaze as best I can. ‘He asked me out for a drink, but I said no. Told him I have a boyfriend.’
I don’t have to look at her to know her bright smile has faded. The sigh of disappointment is all the confirmation I need.
‘But you don’t,’ she says gently. ‘Not anymore. It’s been a year since Scott left, Cleo. Going out with someone else might be good for you.’
I take a deep breath to keep my emotions in check, hiding them behind a reassuring smile. ‘I’m fine as I am, OK? I don’t need another guy in my life.’
My best friend doesn’t look convinced and fixes me with a knowing stare. ‘Don’t close yourself off completely to the idea. It might not have worked out with Scott, but that doesn’t mean someone else can’t sweep you off your feet.’
I nod and pretend to agree with her as we head back towards the air base. Somewhere deep inside me, an all-too-familiar dull ache makes itself known once again. The ache that’s been here for the last year, since the man I thought was the love of my life walked away for the very last time.
*
When Emma and I get back to Silverdale, our beautiful hometown nestled in the Lancashire countryside, we make ourselves presentable and head to the Bell and Candle for a well-deserved drink.
‘Well, that’s another item you’ve ticked off your bucket list!’ she says, raising her glass of white wine in a toasting gesture. ‘You’re smashing it.’
I clink my half-empty glass of gin and tonic to her wine glass, unable to resist a grin. ‘I’ve got to admit, I really enjoyed the sky diving today. I mean, I was terrified but it was the good kind of terrified!’
I catch my grin slipping and, judging by the look on her face, so does Emma. She reaches over and touches my hand.
‘I wish Scott could’ve been there to see me do it,’ I say, my voice barely rising above a whisper. ‘He’d have been so proud.’
‘He would’ve been,’ she agrees. ‘But he’s not here anymore. He made his choice a year ago. I know it’s been hard and horrible and scary at times, but you’ve done amazingly. Look at all the stuff you’ve ticked off your bucket list – you’ve gone zorbing, learnt Italian and now you’ve completed a sky dive! Who’d have thought you’d do all those things a couple of years ago?’
I nod as I use my finger to swirl round the ice cubes in my glass, before drinking the rest of the gin and tonic. ‘I just … I thought everything had fallen into place with Scott, that’s all. We were happy, Emma, really bloody happy. Then that job offer came along and ruined everything.’
I feel an imaginary knife plunge into my heart as I remember the moment that my relationship crumbled around me. I block out the memory as quickly as I can; if I let myself think about it, it’ll consume me. And probably put a dampener on my girls’ night out with Emma.
‘Have you heard from him recently?’ she asks, trying to tread as carefully as possible. ‘I know you were in contact with him for a while.’
I shake my head. ‘Nope, he’s