spent the next few hours finishing up the packing, her heart fluttering at the idea of all the possibilities opening up in front of her.
The following day there were tears. Bubblee had to dab the corners of her eyes in case someone saw. She remembered when she was going to university and how different it had been. How she had to fight with her parents, especially her mum, in order to follow her now ambiguous dream. Was it even worth it? As she watched Mae get into her car and wind down her window Bubblee realized that she was the most alone out of everyone. If she had actually craved some kind of love, she might’ve tried to find it. But she never did. The idea of going back to London simply filled her with dread, the way staying at home in her prime years used to fill her younger self with fear. The only person worth going back for was her friend Sasha, and she was actually moving ahead in her career as an artist. Sasha, she heard and saw with her own eyes, actually had talent. Bubblee felt the familiar twinge of envy. It used to be a rampant jealousy that drove her to stay up late at night, working on her own sculptures. Bubblee wouldn’t sleep for days, believing that she had created something extraordinary in the end. But no one seemed to see it that way. Her self-belief couldn’t withstand the constancy of other people’s indifference. Indifference is worse than hating something. Now, here she was, back at home and she wasn’t sure to which place she really belonged. Things had changed yet she felt weirdly unchangeable, as though she was set in stone – a misshapen sculpture. There was irony.
‘Love you, losers,’ said Mae, as she waved from the window and drove down the road. Farah, Fatti, Ash, Mustafa, Jay, Bubblee and her parents all waved until Mae turned the corner and was out of view. Fatti blew her nose into a tissue that Ash handed her.
‘She’s going to be fine,’ he said.
‘I know that, but what about me?’ she exclaimed. ‘My little baby.’
‘That’s why we’re getting a new one,’ Ash replied, winking and putting his hand on her stomach.
Their dad cleared his throat and looked away. Bubblee had to shake her head at how ridiculous he and all Asian people seemed to be at any display of affection. Perhaps this had scarred her? Perhaps that’s why she focused so much on her work and creating something, that she didn’t even think about the fact that she was alone until now? Maybe things would’ve been different if someone had fallen in love with her. Even then, she felt unmoved. Assigning blame to her parents didn’t make her feel much better so she decided to stop.
‘What time are you leaving tomorrow?’ Farah asked Bubblee as they walked back into the house.
Their dad sighed. ‘All my daughters are leaving. Stay a little longer,’ he said to Bubblee.
Their mum shot him a look.
‘Abba, she has work to get back to,’ replied Farah. ‘It’s a shame we can’t keep you longer.’
Bubblee wasn’t sure whether Farah was being honest or if she felt bad for the way she’d spoken about her work the other day. She decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.
‘Hmm,’ replied Bubblee.
‘You should stay,’ added Fatti. ‘I could do with some help getting to the toilet bowl.’
‘Great.’ Bubblee collapsed on the sofa. ‘Time well spent for me.’
Mustafa got up. ‘I think I’m going to go home.’
Bubblee’s mum said they couldn’t leave without having dinner.
‘No, Farah, you just stay here if you want,’ he said.
‘You’re going to get a bus?’ said Farah.
He shifted on his feet. It seemed as though he still hadn’t quite got the hang of not being allowed to drive.
‘Bubblee will drive you home,’ offered their mum.
Bubblee refused to move. Why should she be lumbered with this task?
‘Don’t worry. I’ll get the bus.’
Everyone paused and looked at Bubblee. Their look was so obvious: Uncaring, Bubblee.
‘The bus comes every two hours,’ exclaimed their mum. ‘Especially at this time.’
He looked sheepish and Bubblee would almost have felt sorry for him if he weren’t being such an inconvenience. She gave as audible a sigh as possible, got up and grabbed her car keys.
‘Sorry,’ he said as he buckled himself into the seat of her car.
He looked at the back seat of her Fiat, surveying the mess.
‘It’s fine,’ she said. ‘As long as you don’t comment on the junk.’
‘I was just thinking how different twins can be. If Farah saw this she’d be cleaning it up before she drove anyone anywhere.’
Bubblee simply nodded as she set out onto the main road. She didn’t often find herself alone with her brother-in-law and now that she did she wasn’t quite sure what to say to him.
‘How’s your…’ She glanced at him, flicking her head.
‘Brain?’ he said, smiling.
She smiled back. ‘Yes.’
‘It has its moments. Medicine’s keeping things in check but it’s medicine, you know?’ He paused. ‘It makes me…’
‘Yeah, Farah’s mentioned.’
‘Oh, she has?’
‘When I’ve asked how you’re doing.’
He didn’t have to know that Farah had complained to Bubblee over the past few years about his increasingly erratic moods. Bubblee wasn’t callous.
‘I didn’t think you ever asked how I was,’ Mustafa said with a smile.
‘Once in a blue moon,’ Bubblee replied.
Their mutual indifference had never really been acknowledged out loud – Mustafa’s comment was the closest they’d ever come to it.
‘Which is probably more than you ever ask about me,’ she added. ‘So there we have it.’
‘I ask about you.’
He said it so matter-of-factly that it surprised Bubblee.
‘Well. Good to know. Maybe the meds are making you a concerned brother-in-law as well as keeping you alive,’ Bubblee added.
‘Maybe.’
He looked out of the window and they spent the rest of the journey in silence as Bubblee pulled up in front of the house.
‘Thanks,’ he said.
He walked inside and Bubblee thought she saw him lean his back against the door as he closed it behind him. She waited a few moments until his figure moved and he was out of sight.
When she got back home, Bubblee said: ‘He seems to not feel great a lot of the time.’
‘Is he okay?’ Ash asked Farah.
‘He’s fine,’ she replied, not quite meeting his eye.
It didn’t seem as though Farah wanted to tell anyone else about his mood swings. Bubblee felt a sense of solidarity with her sister. Ash paused and then glanced at their parents. ‘That’s good. I just thought maybe he’s still not quite over the accident.’
‘Honey,’ said Fatti. ‘That was a few years ago now.’
‘Well, some things change people. Not that I knew him before the accident, but… anyway. I’m glad he’s fine.’
Farah gave a tight smile. Bubblee, Fatti and Farah’s phones buzzed simultaneously.
Mae: I’m freeeeeeeeee
Mae: Crap got stoppd by po-po 4 lukin @ fone. Told em I ws runnin away 4rm opresiv