just kids. There’s a cross section for you. Start with this girl Chloé. She pronounces it Chloé, not Clow-ee but Clow-ay—I don’t have any idea where she gets that from. Quite a girl. Excuse me. ‘Woman,’ I suppose I should have said. She’s got a boyfriend named Oscar. Chloé and Oscar. They’re sweet kids, but I don’t think they represent anything. You won’t get them to stand as symbols of today’s youth, too bad for you.”
I give him a look. He ignores me and keeps on talking. “They met at that fast-food place, Dr. Enchilada’s. She quit that job. She said she went home smelling of guacamole and that the karma was bad. The karma was bad! Really, you should talk to her. Incidentally, while we’re on the subject, you should stop talking to me. This is getting much too personal. But as long as you’re collecting stories, did I ever explain to you how I got the dog back?”
“No.”
“You’re going to think this is funny. I know you. It’ll make you chuckle. But it wasn’t funny at all. It’s a comic story, just not comic to me.”
MY SISTER AGATHA lives north of here, in Five Oaks. You’ve been there, I believe. She’s married to a guy named Harold, who happens to be a barber. A really incompetent barber, by the way, just as a barber, though he’s a nice guy in other respects, nice enough, anyhow, for what his daily life requires. “Nice” isn’t much of a virtue, though; kindness and mildness aren’t on the map anymore, not these days. They’re trivial. As it happens, Harold learned how to cut hair when he was in the Army. Certainly that could explain it. His father was a security guard, worked for Brinks. You let Harold cut your hair and you’ll emerge smelling of Clubman and looking like Boris Karloff out for a night on the town.
They have two kids, my nephews. Harold was in love with a married woman years ago, Louise, her name was, and Louise had a son I always thought Harold had fathered, but that’s another story, and I think he’s over that by now. He got over that when he met Agatha.
But this was about the dog, Bradley. I had taken Bradley out of the Humane Society and arranged to sneak him up to Five Oaks and to board him with Agatha and Harold, until I had accustomed Kathryn to dog householding, to living with a dog. My sister and Harold have a big house up there in Five Oaks, with plenty of room for a mutt. Their colonial is close to a WaldChem plant, and the house has five bedrooms and didn’t cost them too much, because of the chemical fumes or the poisoned groundwater or something, or simply because they’re located in central Michigan. It’s a huge house. Anyway, I thought it would take about a month for me to talk my then-wife Kathryn into tolerating a canine companion. I thought we needed a dog, required one. I thought our marriage required a dog. Young married people crave dogs. It cements them together. It gives them baby practice.
But I didn’t have to talk Kathryn into our having a dog because she picked up a chair and threw it at me and left me for Jenny. When she threw that chair, she missed me, by the way. She could’ve broken my head open. Besides, what was so bad about what I said? Was she a lesbian? Or was it me? As a man? I wanted her to clarify my thinking. I was just trying to get her transformation lucid in my mind. She says I cursed at her but that is not the case. I may have raised my voice, but I did not curse. Anyway, after that climactic moment, I was alone by myself in the apartment, and I wanted that dog, Bradley, back. I shouldn’t say this, but I felt grief. And I needed that dog. I had nothing to hold on to except that dog, that dog with my name on it, my secret sharer, you might say.
So on a bright Saturday morning in early winter I called my sister, Agatha. I told her I was going to drive up to her house in Five Oaks and get Bradley the dog and take him back home. Thanks for keeping him all this time, I said. I thought I should warn her I was coming, to ensure that she’d be around when I appeared on her doorstep.
“Uh,” she said, “I don’t know about that.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“You can’t have Bradley back, is what I mean.” There was a long pause, and I could hear domestic noise in the background.
“Excuse me?”
“I’m sorry, Bradley. But I can’t do it. You can’t have the dog back. We’re keeping him.”
“Agatha, Bradley is my dog.”
“Well, not really. Not anymore. He’s bonded with us.”
“Bonded with you? Wait wait wait wait wait,” I said. “We had a deal, Agatha. We agreed. The deal was, you were going to board Bradley for a month or two, you know, enjoy his company, like you would a foreign exchange student, and I would pay you for expenses if need be, and then you were going to give him back.”
“I know, but that was then. This must sound like a surprise,” Agatha said. “But, as I say, we’re not going to return him. We’re not going to because we can’t. I’m really sorry, Bradley, but we’re in love with him. The love is total and goes both ways. The foreign exchange student stays.”
“Agatha, don’t talk to me about love. Kathryn has left me, I’m alone here, I’m very upset, what with my marriage suddenly over, and I need a dog. That dog, that specific dog, and no other. Bradley.”
“Oh, sweetie, believe me, I understand. My heart goes out to you,” she said. “You know that. I think what Kathryn did to you was just unforgivable. And cruel. She was selfish. She was always selfish. Forgive me, but she was a real bitch, that woman, leaving you without so much as an apology. I’ll never speak to her again. But Harold and I have talked about this, and we think that you should go back to the Humane Society and get another dog. I mean, something truly extraordinary has happened here with us and Bradley. I can’t describe it. Besides, you can fall—”
“—Don’t say that. Don’t say I can fall in love with another dog.”
“I wasn’t going to say that at all,” she said, although, of course, she was. “I was going to say …” But my sister is not all that quick-witted and couldn’t think of a substitute for what she had planned to announce to me.
“Agatha, you gave me your word.”
“Well, I’m taking it back. It’s null and void.”
“You can’t take your word back after giving it,” I said. “That’s dishonorable.”
“No? Well, unless I miss my guess, I just did. And honor: well, that’s such a guy thing.”
“Agatha, I want that dog. For God’s sake. This is not a joke. I’m talking about my stability here.” There was a long pause. Then I said, “Now that I think about it, I could never count on you.”
“Bradley, really, I’m sorry, but as their mother, I have to think of the kids. They just love Bradley. He’s a great kid dog. They can pummel him and he doesn’t mind at all. He’s what they call a nanny dog. This dog contributes to family values.”
“Oh no. Jeez, this is like always. Damn it, you always took things and never gave them back. You took my toys and wrecked them. You wrecked the wind-up parking garage and then later you took my car, I mean my real car, the green Pontiac, when I was in college, and you dented it and you never told me until I saw the dent. I should’ve remembered how you do that. But I thought: this time I can trust Agatha.”
“Let’s not go over that dent business again. I am so tired of hearing about that famous dent. And about trusting me? I guess you were wrong. The dog is bigger than that.”
“Agatha, is Harold there?”
“Nope, he’s down at the barbershop. It’s Saturday morning. Busy time for haircutting.”
I heard Bradley barking. I sensed that he knew I was on the line, that I wanted him back. “I’m going to call Harold.”
So I hung up on her and called Harold’s barbershop.
“Harold,” I said, “I want that dog back.”
“Hey,