when we started talking it was different. Usually, when a girl knows you’re in a band they start acting differently and it stops being honest, it’s just about hooking up with the guy in the band, which I get sounds totally pretentious but it’s true. But you, you knew and it didn’t phase you at all. I was just me, I didn’t have to be the guy in the band.’
‘I didn’t say I would go out with you because you’re in a band,’ I lied a little bit. It didn’t feel like the time to get into my groupie fantasies.
‘And that’s the reason I didn’t come upstairs with you,’ Alex said urgently. ‘If I had it would have been just the same, another night, another girl. I had a really great time with you. For the first time in a year, I wanted to see someone again. I’m kind of having to learn how to date again, to be with someone for more than just, you know, sex.’
I didn’t know what to think. Part of me was saying he had been hurt the same way I had, he’d just handled it differently. But another, really loud part of me was telling me he was trouble, did I really think it was a good idea to keep seeing someone who had slept his way around most of downtown Manhattan? I didn’t know what to trust.
‘So that girl at the gig, she was telling the truth?’ I said, piecing things together.
‘I don’t know exactly what she said, but probably,’ he said. ‘Jesus, I shouldn’t have told you any of this. I just thought, while we were laying our cards on the table, I wanted you to know I’m not perfect. I really like you, I really like the way I feel when I’m with you and I want to see you again, however long you’re going to be in New York.’
‘I like you too,’ I said slowly. ‘But it’s all a bit much at once to be honest.’
Alex nodded and looked down. I hated this, I didn’t want to feel this way. And I hated the thought that he might be feeling this way too. Not knowing what else to do, I reached my arms up around his neck and slid in front of him, brushing his floppy fringe out of his eyes. He looked at me, surprised.
‘You’re not going?’ he asked, leaning in close.
‘Every single little part of me is saying I should,’ I said, not sure I was making the right decision. ‘But I’m trying new things, right?’
I closed my eyes and let myself go. We kissed for a long time, but it wasn’t hot and heavy. It was soft and warm and searching. Two people looking for something in each other, something we’d lost and didn’t really know how to find.
‘Can we start again?’ Alex asked, holding me tightly to him. For the first time since I got to New York, I was actually cold. ‘Can we just pretend none of this happened?’
I nodded. ‘Sounds good.’
We stood and looked out over the city. The sun was long gone from the sky and a blanket of reassuring darkness had been tucked over New York, with the newly lit Empire State Building and the Chrysler Building acting like giant nightlights, keeping everyone safe. It looked so completely different, this magical island out there on its own, defiantly sparkling away.
We walked around the deck, Alex pointing out his favourite landmarks, me making comedy comparisons with Black pool, which were sort of lost him. The way I figured it, if a city could change so completely just because the sun had set, maybe I could learn to manage a few changes of my own.
‘No way,’ Jenny said. ‘And you’re seriously still going to see him again?’
‘Yes,’ I said, as we strode down the street towards the cinema on Thursday afternoon. It was the first time we’d seen each other since Alex’s Empire State confessional and I needed to empty my head completely. Plus it was ninety-eight degrees and our apartment was sadly lacking air con. ‘Honestly, it’s fine. It’s all out there now and we’re just going to start again, no baggage, no secrets, no rules. Just nice and easy simple dating.’
‘It’ll never happen,’ Jenny declared. ‘I’m really sorry honey but you know too much about each other, you’re both completely co-dependent and there’s just altogether too much riding on it. Stick with Tyler. In fact, let’s find another guy to replace Alex right now.’
‘I’m not not sticking with Tyler,’ I protested, ‘but I’m not going to stop seeing Alex either. I really like him, Jenny, and I know you would too.’
‘I just think you’re making it really hard for yourself,’ she said, linking arms with me as we crossed the street. ‘This was supposed to be a fun and easy intro, easing you back into the dating game. All of a sudden you’re juggling a rich sex god and a poor sexaholic. I don’t really see what Alex has going for him.’
‘He’s cute, clever, funny, we like all the same stuff,’ I listed, ‘when his fringe drops into his eyes, I have to sit on my hands to stop myself from brushing it away, and when he smiles, I melt. I just melt.’
‘And what about Tyler?’ she asked, smiling. ‘He didn’t make you melt three times on Sunday night?’
‘OK,’ I said, blushing. ‘Tyler is gorgeous, he’s sweet, he’s clever, and he treats me like an absolute princess, but, I don’t know, I don’t connect to him in the same way.’
‘I think you have connected,’ Jenny nodded vehemently. ‘You connected all the way to Tiffany’s. I’d take that kind of connection over some floppy-haired man ho, doll.’
‘Stop it,’ I laughed. ‘I do like Tyler and when I’m with him, I really like him. It’s just when I’m not, when I’m on my own, my thoughts always end up on Alex.’
‘I still think you’re making this really hard,’ she said, squeezing my hand. ‘But whatever works for you, sweetie. This Alex guy just sounds so much like trouble.’
‘Well, you can judge for yourself. Are you working tomorrow evening?’
Jenny shook her head. ‘Nope, I have a very important date with TiVo and America’s Next Top Model. We’ve had the cast of some new teen movie in all week and they’ve been working me like a dog. For seventeen-year-old boys, they have some freaky requests …’
‘And I expect to hear every last detail about every last one.’ I loved Jenny’s sneaky celebrity stories. ‘But you are coming to Brooklyn to Alex’s gig with me.’
‘Firstly honey, I’m absolutely not going to Brooklyn on my one night off in for ever,’ she said, striking off her points on her fingers. ‘Secondly, my skinny indie boy days are as far behind me as my skinny jeans days, and thirdly, I’m not going to play chaperone to you two. It’s not healthy.’
I smiled sweetly, waiting a moment.
‘Brooklyn? Really?’
‘I’ll even take the subway and I’ll buy all your drinks,’ I promised. ‘I really want you to meet Alex.’
‘Jesus, I’d better dig out my Chucks,’ she sighed. ‘You’re totally buying the candy tonight as well.’
‘Never a problem,’ I said staring at the Milk Duds, Raisanettes, Sour Worms, and wondering which of the bags and bags of new sweets to try. America the Brave.
Before I could get excited about introducing Alex to Jenny, I had my Friday morning meeting with Mary to get worked up about. I took it as a good sign when her assistant greeted me with a smile and, I nearly fainted, a coffee.
‘Angela,’ Mary was sort of smiling, her wire-rimmed glasses propped up on the top of her insanely shiny grey bob. I had to remember to ask what shampoo she used. ‘Tell me why you want to write for me.’
‘Because I love to write,’ I said, a little thrown by her idea of a hello.
‘And?’ Mary turned her back to me and looked out