The Mum Who’d Had Enough: A laugh out loud romantic comedy perfect for fans of Why Mummy Drinks
description right now.
The trouble with being left a note like that is that you need time to figure out what the hell’s going on. Ideally, you also want access to the person who wrote it to see if they really meant it, or just lost their mind temporarily.
I mean, my record collection! Is it Springsteen that’s tipped her over the edge? One too many playings of Born to Run? I need to know as a matter of urgency, but it seems that Sinead’s phone is turned off.
The other trouble with this whole list business is that real life must continue, which means putting on a great show of everything being normal. It’s 7.46 on a bleary Thursday morning, and our son must still go to school, even if he does have a selfish incompetent father, and I need to go to work – plus, obviously, track down my wife.
While Flynn showers, I try to keep calm and not overreact, and only call her mobile eleven times.
Hi, you’ve reached Sinead. Please leave your number and I’ll call you right back …
Such a warm, cheery voice, husky with a soft Yorkshire lilt; the voice of a woman who has always embraced life, who has reams of friends – from childhood and her art school days, and even more through being Flynn’s mum. Everyone knows her as being supremely capable, great fun, delightful company and, of course, a fantastic mother. We’d have had more babies – a whole gang – if we’d managed to conceive after having Flynn, but it only happened once. Sinead miscarried at ten weeks, when Flynn was three, and after that it just didn’t happen at all. We’re not really into ‘signs’, the two of us, but we consoled ourselves that this was probably nature’s way of urging us to count our blessings and focus fully on our son. So we didn’t go down the IVF route. Our friend Abby did, and she reckons the stress and disappointment killed off her marriage. Plus, with Flynn’s condition, Sinead and I spent enough time in clinics and hospitals as it was.
I hear Flynn emerging from the bathroom. Once he’s back in his room, I dive in, turn on the shower and take another look at the list, as apparently I hadn’t quite got to the end.
You treat me like an idiot (i.e., always texting to remind me not to leave things on trains)
Don’t make me feel special
Keep referring to Rachel as ‘your shrink’ (i.e., making a joke of it and so belittling the issue)
Constant untidiness
Mouse issue (traps!!!)
YOUR MOTHER!
Refusal to pick up Scout’s poos in garden!!!
The exclamation marks are coming thick and fast now, pinging into my face like air rifle pellets.
‘Dad?’ Flynn raps on the bathroom door.
‘Yes?’
‘It’s ten past eight. I can just get the bus if it’s easier?’
‘No, it’s okay.’
‘Why are you insisting on driving me? I don’t get it …’
Because it’s imperative that you go to school under the impression that everything is normal, as indeed it will be by the time you come home this afternoon, because I fully intend to sort everything out.
‘I’m nearly ready, okay?’ I shout back. Through the door, I hear him muttering about my weirdness – the word ‘mental’ is clearly audible – then wandering back to his bedroom and firmly closing the door.
I drop the note on the floor, pull off my pyjamas and kick them, rebelliously, into the corner by the bin. In the shower I use Sinead’s posh Penhaligon’s ‘Juniper Sling’ shower gel rather than the cheap blue stuff – another devil-may-care gesture – and mentally run through as many of her complaints as I can remember whilst sluicing myself down.
The big ones – about being an uncaring, selfish arsehole – all swirl into one terrible, heady mess, and I find myself fixating instead on the more tangible matter of Scout’s poos. Okay, maybe I have missed the odd tiny deposit in our garden, down in the long grass by the shed. Or at least, they have been missed (clearly, and without my knowledge, this has become my responsibility). This matter can be easily rectified. From now on I will never again let Scout – or, specifically, Scout’s arse – out of my sight.
With a wave of petulance, I dry off briskly and check my phone in case Sinead called while I was showering. Nothing. I’m tempted to phone around her closest friends, but I don’t want to alarm anyone and, anyway, what would I say? ‘Hello, it’s Nate. Sinead seems to have gone missing’? No need for any of that.
It also occurs to me now that, because she’s gone AWOL, I’ll have to walk Scout and Bella before Flynn and I can set off. Sinead usually takes Scout around the block first thing, before driving Flynn to school, then she parks back by our house and walks to the gift shop a few streets away, where she works. On top of all that, she also pops home at lunchtime to let Scout into our back garden (naturally, she never fails to pick up his poos). Oh, God, the colossal amount of stuff she does! No wonder she’s hacked off. All this perpetual nipping back and forth, plus taking care of most of the shopping, cooking, laundry and homework supervision – and that’s just for starters. But then, she’s never complained about anything specifically before now … At least, I don’t think she has (admittedly, I find it hard to keep up with everything sometimes). Instead of harbouring all of these resentments, couldn’t she just have let me know?
In our bedroom now I pull on my white shirt and smart dark grey trousers: pretty standard driving examiners’ attire. I also text Liv, the manager at one of the three test centres I work from: Sorry Liv, running slightly late, bit of a family situation, be in asap. It sounds terrible to say this, but all three managers – and Liv in particular – are aware of the situation with Flynn, and are extremely understanding whenever something unexpected happens.
Suddenly remembering that Sinead’s thorough character assassination of me is still lying on our bathroom floor, I rush to retrieve it, shove it into my trouser pocket and call out to Flynn: ‘Just taking the dogs out. Make sure you’re ready for when I get back, okay?’
His bedroom door flies open. ‘I am ready.’ Indeed, he is kitted out in the faded sweatshirt and skinny black jeans he manages to pass off as school uniform. ‘It’s you who’s making us late,’ he adds, not incorrectly. ‘Where’s Mum?’
‘I told you, she must’ve nipped out …’ To escape his suspicious gaze, I head downstairs, and search the entire ground floor for my specs, eventually spotting them by the kettle, where I found the note. Jamming them onto my face, I summon my canine charges with a stern command – no woolly boundaries there! – and step out into our well-tended terraced street.
The sky is a clear pale blue and streaked with gauzy clouds, the air cool on this bright May morning. We live on the edge of Hesslevale, a thriving and popular West Yorkshire town nestling in a lush green valley. There are numerous charming restaurants, pubs and a cinema, and the former textile mills now house artists’ studios and craft workshops. We are lucky to live here … aren’t we? At least, I always believed we were pretty happy and sorted, and that my wife thought so too.
I peer hopefully up and down our street, willing an only slightly miffed (or perhaps even contrite) Sinead to be walking towards me. There’s just Howard from next door, striding out in baggy chinos and a faded peach rugby top with Monty, their enormous labradoodle, who has a tendency to try and hump everything in sight, hence my family’s nickname for him: Mounty. While he splatters Betty Ratcliffe’s wheelie bin in a seemingly never-ending arc of pee, Howard catches my eye and waves.
Clearly,