alarm clock rings just like every morning when I have already been awake for at least fifteen minutes, basking in the bed and feeling the first cold of the morning sneaking in under the goose down duvet.
A little moment all for myself in order to think about how the day will go, even if in the last months the first thought is him. It is absurd to think that the first thing I think of is a perfect stranger who though is part of my everyday life. I am so taken by this person that every preparation is focussed on him, trying to understand what he may like and how to catch his eye. At the end of the day this is what I want, to catch the eye of the mysterious man, stalling it all to this first approach hoping that nothing is ever going to go further as it runs the risk of ruining this magic early morning moment. At our café where we see each other every day always at the same hour, I always sit at the same place towards the counter in order to see him properly. He knows that I am there and the first look as soon as he arrives is addressed to me.
I get up, barefoot and with my nightgown to the knees even in wintertime to feel the freshness of the sheets with the warmth of the duvet. Also the pillow, scrupulously perfumed with the fabric softener, must always be fresh. Therefore, until I fall asleep, I twist it as soon as it gets a bit warmer because of the warmth of my body to feel again that refreshing sensation that only coldness can give to my cheeks.
Before taking a shower, I warm my little bathroom, my own private room in which anyone but me enters. My little shelter, treated to the last detail, complete with music in wire broadcasting and shower with
colour therapy. I put my favourite playlist on, I turn the shower on, and I soak into the hot scented water. After a while I am already out, today I chump at the idea of seeing him again after a weekend spent outside Rome.
It's incredible how a simple thing like an eye contact could make my heart beat that fast. It is enough for me and it fills me with so much energy that I flee any next step. In this crazy affair I involved my flatmate Camilla too. We met when I was given a new project of pregnancy counsellors with her, and a great sympathy kicked in right away and quickly thereafter a great friendship too. Both single, we could easily manage to see each other at least once a week in order to go to the cinema or to see some little exhibitions throughout the centre.
She knows so many people that she always has an invitation to some event and we always enjoy it, whatever the style of the evening is.
Yesterday evening I’d already prepared what I would have worn this morning, jeans and a white lace blouse with a light sweater that envelopes my shapes in a firm dark purple. I wouldn’t be able to go to sleep if I had not prepared all the things for the day after. The kitchen must be tidy too, with the latte mug ready on the table, on the blue American-style place mat. It’s a way of not rushing in the morning looking for what I need before going out and also a way to have a perfectly tidy home in every minute of the day. Opening the windows, I notice that the sun is ready to warm this cold day and a smile pops up on my face. The fine winter days always put me in a good mood, the sun recharges me, and I just need to look outside the window to get through the tough moments. After a few minutes I am already on the road ready to catch the bus that takes me to work. I am lucky enough
to live not so far from my working place that I could even walk to it, but today I’m racing to enter the café before he arrives. I also want to catch up with Camilla, who has to tell me the latest news on her ‘boyfriend’ met a little more than a month ago at the gym she always attends during the lunch break. An affair more ordinary than mine and that I hope will be a success. Last Saturday they had their first date and I still need to know all the details about the evening. The happiness for her story is mixed with a bit of jealousy for my friend who I will have to share with the newcomer…
She is already waiting by our usual meeting place and from the smile that warms her face I can immediately tell the evening must have been better than expected. As soon as she sees me, she rushes over me risking falling in a pit on the sidewalk that wraps around her very high heels that she usually wears with great aplomb. In no time I feel myself surrounded by her tight embrace and her blonde and long hair is all over my face. I am imprisoned by her joy and for a moment I feel like I was living her same happiness. When she releases me from her embrace, I can tell she is so excited, her eyes sparkle like never before, and for a moment I felt like I am about to lose her. I blow my miserable thoughts away and I restore my usual cheerfulness to the extent that I grab her by the hand and I quickly make my way towards the café: ‘You must tell me everything!!!’ My friend’s evening has been performed by the book. He picked her up on his flaming motorbike, she got caught up in by the euphoria to rush towards the seaside of Lazio to spend an evening by the sea, in a little seafood restaurant that stays open during wintertime. Definitely romantic, it would have won any woman… Therefore, removed the helmet, a glass
of wine accompanied by a range of seafood delicacies while holding hands during the whole evening and during a stroll by the seaside he finally gave her the long-awaited kiss. So now it seems like they have been together since forever. They spent the day after telling each other their stories and tonight they’re going to meet again, surrounded by the magic moment of first dates. But our Wednesday meeting for our cinema night remains only for the two of us, so I feel more relieved.
While I’m relaxing at the thought that I didn’t lose my adventuring companion, here he comes, more casual than usual. He looks at me and smiles and then makes quickly his way to the counter in order to have his regular chat with the early morning costumers. As usual, there is the nice grandfather who has just left his nieces at school and who is ready to spend the morning around the city free from any commitment.
After a while, it comes the couple always all dressed up to have a coffee before leaving again in a hurry to reach the car parked nearby. It is not missing the girl who studies at university and who needs to take the metro to get to attend her classes, with her boyfriend who works at the supermarket around the corner. And then there’s us, always sitting at the same table that seems to be waiting for us every morning to hear about our new brief stories to tell in fifteen minutes before leaving again for our life. Hearing about Camilla’s new affair made me think about how much did I suffer for my latest affair with Carlo. We were a couple for ten long years and we get to nothing but boredom and distance even if we were always together. The final blow of our relationship has been moving in together and after two boring years we broke up realising that we were better as friends than as lovers.
Therefore, we met really often indeed and the time we spend together
is definitely funnier than it was before.
We got rid of the heaviness of a relationship that wasn’t tailor-made for any of us to discover ourselves under a new light more suitable for the two of us together. The first thing that comes to my mind is that I need to call him as soon as I got to the office in order to tell him about Camilla and her new love. Luckily, we have been smart enough not to be carried away by the events, being able to stop in time.
We even thought about getting married, getting until the choice of the Church to find ourselves in the main aisle, into the silence of this little but massive house of God with the scent of the incense floating into your bones with a stranger by our side. Both of us had this feeling. Ten years together to find ourselves strangers inside a Church, finally realising that we were going on only because of the habit and to simplify our life. All we had to do was looking ourselves in the eyes to burst out laughing and then like two children in tears we ended our story saying goodbye on the stairs where usually you would prefer to be thrown some rice on the wedding dress instead of receiving an embrace that dissolves everything for good. The first night in a now empty home was not easy and for the first time for me a sleepless night had a totally different meaning from the usual one. As I always say, sleeping steals time to life, but that night staying awake without sleeping a wink helped only to come to terms with myself, finding myself alone again but stronger than before. I came to terms with a ten years more mature woman, a baggage on the shoulders made of beautiful things but also of empty and wasted moments, finding myself with a few sand grains between the hands that was gradually vanishing between half-closed fingers. After a first period of solitude sought with
all my strength, here