Dear Rosie Hughes: This is the most uplifting and emotional novel you will read in 2019!
(I have now learned that a romantic location in no way guarantees a romantic interlude).
So anyway, we eventually laughed at the scenario and I ordered lobster, which was the same colour of my face having remembered the phone sex. And after a pleasant if slightly strained evening we said our goodbyes at the airport and flew home the next day. I’m so disappointed. I really thought I’d found the elusive one. But, fear not, I’ll take a deep breath and, like Paddy, jump straight back into the saddle, so to speak.
With much love.
Aggie
P.S. Sounds like a bloody nightmare out there. Chin up, Buttercup!
P.P.S. Bucket list in next letter, promise.
Bluey
From: Rosie
To: Aggie
Date: 10 January
Hi, Aggie
Oh dear. It sounds like Venice was a bit of a mistake. Shame you didn’t get a shag out of the jockey, but perhaps it’s for the best. Maybe you need to take a leaf out of your own book? Didn’t you say your next title is My Foolish Heart? Is your title telling you something?
Life here is much the same. I can’t imagine any kind of peaceful resolution coming into play. I bumped into a helicopter pilot I knew in the Navy the other day and he said he feels sick when he looks down from his helicopter and sees the might of the American military (which is only a fraction of their Marine Corps and a bit of their Army) sitting in the desert, waiting to pounce. I wonder how the Iraqi civilians feel, waiting to be attacked? What the fuck are we going to do with all these bombs and bullets anyway? Blow the whole of the Middle East to smithereens?
Write soon
Love, Rosie
‘E’ Bluey
From: Josh
To: Rosie
Date: 11 January
Hi, Rosie
Thanks for your letter. I’ve accepted the offer on the house. Not sure on the completion date yet but it’ll be a while as the chain has collapsed. I said we would wait for our buyer to sell again as I can’t face the rigmarole of putting our place on the market, but it could be months before completion. I’ll let you know how it goes. By the way, is it OK if I give Mum the Tiffany lamp I bought you? You never really liked it and she always had her eye on it. Where is it? Did you give it away?
Take care of yourself.
Josh
Bluey
From: Rosie
To: Mr Hughes
Date: 11 January
Dear, Mum and Dad
All remains well on the Eastern Front and don’t worry because I’m being well fed. It’s the easiest job I’ve ever had – anyone could do it. I get a print-out of the weather forecast from the Americans and I read it out, job done. The weather never changes in the desert and so I’ve got lots of time to read books and write letters. I miss you both, but it’s honestly not too bad over here. I’m on the General’s staff and so I should imagine that, even as the troops move forward, I’ll be in absolutely no danger so try not to worry.
Ta ta for now. Give the dog a big hug from me. I’ve got no idea what happened to the snow shovel. Didn’t the handle snap?
Love you loads,
Rosie x
P.S. Did you give my BFPO address to Simon? I haven’t heard from him.
Bluey
From: Rosie
To: Josh
Date: 12 January
Josh
I’ve mulled over your last letter and I’m a bit pissed off and need to get things off my chest. We’ve spent what, ten years together, and all you can say to me when I’m at the brink of being gassed to death is to ask if your mother can have my bloody lamp! Re the house, I agree. Let’s wait for the buyers we have at the moment. I want the house to go to people I like.
Rosie
‘E’ Bluey
From: Mr Hughes
To: Rosie
Date: 13 January
Dear, Babe
It’s all kicking off at home. Even though the embers are still smouldering, the council have admitted they may not rebuild the school. Meanwhile, the kids continue to be ferried on the bus to Oakworth on a thirty-mile round trip, which is a shame. We’re not taking it lying down, though. A petition is being drafted as I type!
To add fuel to the fire, Cecil Robinson wants to buy the school grounds and put houses on it – he’s got a bloody nerve that man, but where there’s muck there’s money! It’s causing quite a rift. I bumped into Bill in the shop. He said, ‘I’m not building a bloody orangery to have a load of boxes go up in the field behind my house.’ Janet heard him moaning (you know what a booming voice he’s got) and she bit back (you may remember she used to have a thing going with Cecil). She said he should keep his trap shut because the area needs more affordable housing, and anyway, ‘Clamping an orangery onto the arse end of a terrace house in the middle of the Pennines is bloody ridiculous.’ He stormed out, but he’ll have to storm back in again if he doesn’t want a twenty-mile round trip to buy a pint of milk. We’re still waiting to discover the cause of the fire, but arson hasn’t been ruled out. Terrible.
Nothing else much going on. There’s a bit of a barny going on over the road because the man at number 42 keeps parking his campervan on the road outside number 48, but I think that’s a storm in a teacup. Mammy and the dog are well. I’ll keep looking for the elusive snow shovel. It must be Alzheimer’s setting in but I can’t find the bloody thing anywhere. I’ve emailed your address to Simon. Mammy said to not feel too bad if he takes his time to write; he’s constantly on the go and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.
Love, MumnDad x
P.S. What’s your opinion on the school issue? Rebuild or move on?
‘E’ Bluey
From: Aggie
To: Rosie
Date: 13 January
Dear, Rosie
But I did get a shag out of the dwarf! Come on, he’s a bloody jockey. How could I refuse an arse that can move that fast?
Anyway, Ta Da … here is the bucket list (we were quite sweet, really):
Umpteen Things We Absolutely Have To Do Before We’re Thirty-Five (first draft)
By Aggie and Rosie, Age 15
1. Learn to river dance
2. Climb a mountain (Mount Kenya or Everest base camp)
3. Get married and have kids (Rosie only)
4. Watch one sunrise and sunset together every year (not negotiable)
5. Swim with dolphins (if no dolphins, seals will do)
6. Do the thing we are afraid of the most
7. Sleep under the stars
8. Get to grade eight - violin (Rosie) piano (Aggie) and become duetting superstars
9. Send a message in a bottle
10. Read one hundred classic books
11. Master the flick-flack (Rosie only)
12. Meet the Dalai Lama – combine this with going to ‘Holi’ festival and becoming yogis
13. Ride a horse bareback on the beach
14. Swim under a waterfall (naked)