Environment Agency report tells of roach who, after feasting on oestrogen, experienced deformities in their sexual organs and began producing eggs rather than sperm. Results of tests on zebra fish at Cardiff University using etinyloestradiol were so pronounced that researchers expressed unease at observing ‘large-scale effects at such low levels of concentration’. But the best news arrived with reports that a male hornyhead turbot had been transformed into a lady. The development must have caused groans in rivers from Leeds to Lagos. If the macho hornyhead could be tamed, scaly chaps everywhere must have thought, what hope for them? The game was up.
Chemical cocktail
Of course, there are other ways to turn man to woman, and it would be unwise, even reckless, to overlook the old ‘gender benders’, or ‘endocrine disruptors’, as the scientific community would rather these chemical lovelies be known. Synthetics found in plastics, shampoos and food packaging mimic oestrogen when ingested. Such useful material gets everywhere and is particularly effective when ingested in cocktail form over the years. Plenty of these ‘endocrine disruptors’ appear to be travelling north on the moist air currents that blow from Europe to the Arctic. When confronted with the frosty, Arctic air, these chemicals condense and fall. They are perhaps most revered for creating the famously pseudo-hermaphrodite polar bears with penis-like stumps, a result which to this day remains one of the most celebrated achievements in the world of chemical scalps. And clearly there is no merit in trying to better such a masterpiece.
Despite a forensic EU review of chemical legislation, a decent number (up to five hundred) of potential endocrine disruptors remain in use, and, thankfully, these hormone-disrupting chemicals are still allowed to be sold even though safer alternatives are available. The next review of legislation is not due until 2012, giving you a reasonable window of opportunity to shrink the man bear a little more. By then, who knows what else will have shrunk, changed or grown?
Let’s hear it for the clam
When scientists chose an estuarine site in the West Country to examine clams, which they had naively hand-picked in the hope that they would be free of chemicals, they experienced a bit of a shock. The clams were transsexual, their Devonian testes containing both sperm and eggs. 60 per cent were like this. For you, it offers a thrilling possibility: initial evidence that oestrogen can potentially survive in seawater, battling the salty tides to turn aquamarine life female. Here, quantities of the female hormone had messed around with clams at the bottom of the food chain. Could, you dare dream, the entire sea one day be declared girls only? Embarrassing speedos would become a thing of the past.
Little surprise that those studying the feminization of fish describe the West Country clam as the aquatic equivalent of the miner’s canary, the bird which chirps an alarm long before men are aware of impending doom. With the mines now mostly closed, instead there’s something in the water. The sexual revolution has proved to be intensely liberating for humanity. Now it is the turn of the misunderstood bloke fish who only ever wanted to be a woman. Once we start adding the Pill to the rivers of the world, there is no reset button. The new sexual revolution is underway.
WHAT’S THE DAMAGE?
* Government makes over-the-counter pill more widely available. Certainty.
* Male pill goes on general sale. Female carp duly start growing penises. Unlikely.
* Etinyloestradiol leak reported from factory into river system. Male fish in the area seen wearing matching bra and knickers. Scientists say this could be evidence of feminization. Unlikely.
* Male bull whale gives birth after growing ovaries. Never.
* Overhaul of the disposal of the contraceptive pill announced by government. From 2011 it has to be disposed of in special council bins and safely stored in landfill sites. Possible.
Likelihood of majority of male fish turning female by 2015: 23%
Don’t be a Dumbo: sign up for safari
AGENDA
* Forget the elephants
* Raise the price of ivory
* Tally ho, trophy hunters!
Considered a deity by some, treated like royalty by others, earth’s largest land animal is as revered a target as you’re likely to find. Environmentally, the African elephant is nauseatingly virtuous. Even its nutrient-rich faeces are laced with good ingredients for foragers, and some hapless seeds can’t germinate unless they have first travelled through the elephant’s vast bowels. Conservationists gloss over the creatures’ destructive tendencies: they decimate crops, trample livelihoods and can gore people to death. They might look impressive, but can an elephant earn a million? Complete the Rubik’s cube? Invent the iPod? No. The elephant is nothing but a jumbo Janus with teeth that do not fit in its mouth.
Tooth or dare
It is these teeth that will ensure the downfall of the African elephant. At the height of the ivory rush, elephant numbers slumped from 1.3 million in 1979 to 625,000 a decade later. Trinkets made from their molars were highly desirable and poachers were cashing in. In 1989 some fusty chaps from the UN Convention on International Trade of Endangered Species banned the sale of ivory. The slaughter stopped pronto.
Now, though, poaching is back big time. A one-off sale from the ivory stockpile of South Africa, Namibia, Botswana, and Zimbabwe was recently sanctioned by the UN. The move has paved the way for an elephant massacre. No one can really distinguish between legal and illegal ivory. Hidden behind the smokescreen of this legally sanctioned sale, you could bring about the greatest elephant holocaust ever seen and flood the world market with illegal ivory. The price will soar. Currently, ivory fetches around £375 per kilo, up from £50 a few years back, but you must push it to a record high. The higher the price, the more likely that organized poaching syndicates will be tempted. You could try to beat the cost of gold – at the time of writing a record £500 an ounce.
Between 470,000 and 690,000 elephants are still stomping across the African savannahs. Latest intelligence suggests that 23,000 elephants a year are currently being killed for ivory. Credible certainly, but too modest a tally for your purposes. Make those boys back in the Seventies look like the cowboys they were. Their chaotic, frenzied spree massacred 70,000 creatures a year; but there’s no excuse for inefficiency. With a sophisticated, organized poaching network you can hit six figures.
Safari, so good
To commence the cull you clearly need to target a country with a sizeable elephant population. Ideally, choose an economy which has collapsed beyond recognition, a country without moral leadership, dominated by a crackpot dictator with no interest in or concern for what the world thinks…off the top of my head, Zimbabwe. But you will have to move fast. Zimbabwe’s elephant population of 120,000 may not survive much longer. Already, poaching there is out of control. Latest intelligence found 939 active poaching camps in a single north-eastern state.
The first step is to get a foothold inside this turbulent country which, while starving its own people, has retained the admirable foresight to continue allowing elephant hunting. Start by trawling safari companies, who can offer a permit to enter Zimbabwe for the ‘trophy’ hunting of such creatures. Shooting animals for a laugh is a traditional pastime of the privileged, so try the royal gunsmith Holland and Holland, based in Mayfair and supplier of firearms to creatures as respected as the Duke of Edinburgh, the Prince of Wales and members of the new aristocracy, Madonna and Guy Ritchie. Once, H&H charged an awesome £5,000 for shooting male elephants in Botswana. Have a punt and ask about neighbouring Zimbabwe. Admittedly, it’s a long shot – they