Confessions: A Secret Diary. Amber Stephens

had some friends. I’d always stayed in contact with Maya, and there was my agent and some others from the early days. But it wasn’t enough. I found it easy enough to find men at clubs, or on the net, but they were either dull as shit, or crap in bed, or both. I had a string of one-night stands and to be fair I never gave ’em a chance I suppose. I was like an alcoholic trying out different sorts of fruit juice. I missed Johnny Brooks, and Trevor the Truncheon. I’d send these young, hopeful girls out to shoots around the country, and all the while I’d be wishing it was me going off, not knowing quite who I was going to be working with, or what I’d be asked to do. It was that slight sense of wrongness that I missed. The sense of danger I loved. Like the feel of that hot razor against my pussy lips.

      So I talked to my agent and he shrugged and said I should go for it. I made a comeback. This time on the internet. I’d never done this kind of thing before but there’s good money in it. There’s this company that does interactive stuff. Where you and some bloke, or some girl, sit on a bed and wait for the punters to e-mail you what they want you to do. I found it pretty dull. Most of ’em didn’t have any imagination.

      ‘Do it to her doggy style’, or ‘suck her tits’. And there’d be long periods where nothing would happen so you’d just sit and look at each other trying not to laugh.

      I tried to get back into films but I wasn’t eighteen any more, and of course I’d lost my reputation as the girl who’d do anything. There were plenty of girls who would. I stumped up some money to produce the sort of things I wanted to do. Films with a story. We did a hospital thing, Erection Room, and a lawyer one called Banging the Gavel, but they never came to much. We lost money in the end. I kept it going longer than I should have, I didn’t have my mind on the numbers, just on the opportunities to have sex. My after-shoot parties were legendary, there’s footage of me on the internet at one of my own parties being penetrated by three men at once while drinking a glass of champagne. Think about it.