a thick woollen dressing gown and her hair fell loosely around her shoulders.
‘Mum,’ she mumbled, completing ignoring me, ‘I’m going to bed.’
‘Amy!’ Jessica gave Amy the type of stare only a mother can pull off. ‘Stop being rude. Liam said hello.’
‘Hi,’ she muttered in my general direction, before turning around and stomping out of the room.
I looked up at Jessica and blew out air. ‘I guess I have some way to go there.’
‘Don’t worry,’ she replied with a wave of her hand. ‘It’s hard on her, that’s all. Will you stay for tea? Elliott seems to have calmed down. I can put him to bed and maybe we could order a takeaway?’ She looked over at me with hope in her eyes.
I sighed. I really wasn’t sure about spending so much time with her. I knew she liked me in a way that I just couldn’t reciprocate and I was worried that I’d end up hurting her.
‘Jess, I…’ I stopped mid-sentence, unsure of what to say.
‘Please, Liam,’ she practically begged, her eyes red-rimmed. ‘I don’t go out any more. All I do is sit in this house and care for Elliott. I’m so worried about him, about what he must be feeling. It’s taking all of my strength not to crack up and I just need a bit of friendship.’
‘Of course,’ I replied immediately, while standing up and making my way over to her. I pulled her into an embrace, like I had done so many times at the hospital. ‘It’s okay,’ I muttered into her hair. ‘I’m here for you. Always.’
Two hours later and, with both children in bed, I leisurely poured Jessica another glass of red wine. The Indian takeaway had been delicious and, for the first time since the accident, I felt my mood lifting slightly. I looked over at her from the corner of my eye. She was happily flicking through the channels on the television, her glass of wine sloshing slightly as she fidgeted around in an attempt to get comfy.
‘Thanks,’ I said, causing her to put down the remote control and look at me.
‘Thanks for what?’ she asked, her eyes shining with an emotion I couldn’t quite place.
‘You know. For forgiving me the way you have. Not many women would do that, Jess. And I meant what I said earlier. I will always be here for you all. It’s the very least I can do. And, plus…’ I hovered over my thoughts, unsure of whether or not to continue.
‘Plus, what?’ She suddenly placed her wine glass down on the table and edged closer to me. I could smell the hotness of her breath as she spoke, the aroma of curry as it clung to the air. Feeling a stirring within me, I swallowed it down, terrified and excited in equal measure.
‘Plus, what, Liam?’ she repeated, keeping her eyes locked on me.
‘You are helping me heal, Jess. You and Elliott, and even Amy,’ I half laughed in an attempt to dislodge some of the tension. ‘I feel like when I’m with you all I have a purpose, you know?’
‘I know,’ she replied through a slight smile. ‘They say that every storm cloud hides a rainbow. And you are my rainbow, Liam.’
Feeling hot all over my body, I met her gaze, our eyes unflinching as everything around us ceased to exist. I knew I was slightly drunk, I knew the wine had stripped me of my inhibitions, had heightened my senses, leading me into a false sense of security. But I liked it. I liked the warm bubble that enveloped me, the chance to feel alive again, if only for a snatched moment…
As Jessica leant in to kiss me, I didn’t pull away.
Liam, 3.21 pm
‘Yes, go on, Lana. Tell me I’m an idiot. That I shouldn’t have done it because my head was clearly not in the right place.’ I spark up another cigarette as I speak, the memory of that night causing my heart to race. How naive I was. How I let the alcohol and the guilt and the loneliness mix together, causing a deadly concoction that I gulped down in one.
‘I would never judge you, Liam. By God, you don’t have the first clue about what I got myself involved in. If you knew… you’d probably slam the phone down right now.’
I tut, the irony of what Lana is saying making me slightly mad. There is nothing in the world she could have done that is worse than what Jessica landed on me this morning. Nothing.
As I draw in deeply on my cigarette, I look up at the clock. The sound of it ticking is almost a jibe… like it’s laughing directly at me, mocking me because I still haven’t done what I know I have to do.
‘So what happened then? After that night with Jessica. How did that one night lead to your marrying her?’
I breathe in deeply, psyche myself up for the next part of my story. It’s hard to relive… but I’m going to try.
Liam’s Story, July 2011
Three weeks after the night I slept with Jessica, I was practically living with her, Amy and Elliott. Jessica had admitted to feeling increasingly panicked when left alone with Elliott. I couldn’t say I blamed her. His daily feeding routines were complicated, with equipment that needed to be sterilised every day. His food, all in liquidised form, needed to be checked, measured and charted. As well as that, the brain damage had left him unable to walk. He therefore needed to be carried everywhere. Jessica, being only incredibly slight herself, simply didn’t have the strength to lift him all day long. One of the only saving graces was that she had managed to enrol Elliott in a special school, where he was looked after by a team of experts, meaning Jessica could continue with her job as a receptionist at a hairdresser’s.
Although I loved helping out and spending time with the family, I was becoming increasingly panicked about my relationship with Jessica. I had unwittingly wedged myself tightly into her life, so that there seemed to be no other option than to continue down the romantic route. I had foolishly allowed myself to cross the line of friendship, and there was no going back. I knew in my heart I wasn’t ready to be with someone who wasn’t Alice; her memory still burnt my heart and mind and I was still consumed by thoughts of her and Summer on a daily basis. I suppose I should have been more honest, explained to Jessica how I was feeling. But after that drunken night where I had slept with her, and several times since, I didn’t see how I could admit to her that I wasn’t ready to be in another relationship. None of it was her fault and I didn’t want to be the sort of guy that did that to a woman. And, plus… I didn’t want to leave. Being with Jessica and her family gave me a purpose. It made me feel good that I was lessening their load, that I was putting a smile on Elliott’s face. Jessica wasn’t Alice but she was fun, she was sweet and I liked her. Therefore, I pushed all of the negative thoughts away and convinced myself that being with her was the right thing to do.
‘Hey, Jess, could I pick Elliott up from school today? It would be nice to see all the sensory equipment you described, and meet his teachers.’
I glanced over at her as I spoke. She was on the sofa, leafing through a magazine. I had finished work early that day. As an electrical engineer, I often worked long hours and away from home, but it was one of the rare days when there wasn’t much to do. I’d decided almost on a whim to go round to Jessica’s house, with the intention of surprising her with a meal when she got home from work. She had given me a key a week previously and I thought it would be a nice surprise. But, to my surprise, Jessica was already home, due to a technical fault at the hairdresser’s. We had, therefore, spent a lovely afternoon together, curled up on the sofa.
‘No, probably best I go,’ she responded with a sigh. ‘They are really funny about who picks him up. And, anyway,’ she continued, while putting down her magazine and edging closer to me, ‘you can stay here and get that tea on you promised me.’ She gave me a flirtatious smile and patted my leg.
Laughing, I swung my arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer towards me. ‘Okay, then, miss. But I’m warning you… I’m no Jamie Oliver.’
That evening, after a successful