said brightly, “Yes, you’d never be short of potatoes.”
Eventually even Jas noticed that I wasn’t so keen. She looked a bit confused and said, “I thought you liked him.”
I didn’t say anything. All I could think of was his brother looking down at me and sort of sneering. Jas went on, “Don’t you think I should go out with him?”
I still didn’t say anything.
She said it again. “So you don’t think I should go out with him?”
I was all enigmatic, which is not easy in a beret.
11:30 p.m.
I am a facsimile of a sham of a fax of a person. And I have a date with a professional snogger.
Midnight
Angus has eaten some of Mum’s knickers. She says he’ll have to go. Why can’t she go, and Dad go? Or am I being unreasonable?
Thursday October 15th
Noon
Slim has put a ban on levitation. She made an announcement in assembly this morning. She was all shaky and jelly-like, her jowls were bouncing around like anything. Anyway, she said, “This school is like the back streets of Haiti. It must stop forthwith. Any girl found practising levitation will face the gravest consequences. I, for one, would not like to be in that girl’s shoes.”
I whispered to Ellen, “She wouldn’t get in any girl’s shoes. How much do you think each leg weighs? Imagine the size of her knickers... you could probably get two duvets out of them.”
Then we got the eagle eye from Hawkeye for giggling.
2:00 p.m.
I feel like killing something. If I was that sort of person I’d scare a first former, as it is I will have to content myself with hiding Nauseating P. Green’s pencil case.
3:00 p.m.
On my way to the science block I saw Lindsay. How wet can you be? She really is Mrs Wet. She has the wettest haircut known to humanity – all curled under at the bottom. I saw her legs in hockey and they are really spindly. Little spindly legs like she has been in a wheelchair and not been walking for years, and also when she is concentrating she wears big goggly glasses like Deirdre Barlow. I bet she keeps those well hidden when she goes out with Pratboy. Oh, hell’s teeth, it’s my “date” in four hours. The horrible thing is that I don’t want to go. I just don’t. There’s nothing wrong with him or anything. I just can’t be bothered somehow.
My bedroom
Midnight
I wish I’d never started this snogging business. I feel like I’ve been attacked by whelks. I can’t see Peter any more. Why is he so keen on me, anyway? I haven’t had a chance to say more than, “Er, what are you doing at GCSE...?” before I’m attacked by the whelks again. I can’t go out with him any more. How can I tell him, though?
1:00 a.m.
I’ll make Jas do it.
Friday October 16th
9:00 p.m.
What a week!
I got Jas to dump Peter for me. I said for her to let him down gently, so she told him that I had a personal problem. He asked what, and she said that I thought I was a lesbian. Cheers, Jas.
Monday October 19th
4:00 p.m.
It’s all round school that I’m a lesbian. In games we were in the changing room and Miss Stamp came in to change out of her gear. Suddenly everyone had disappeared, leaving me on my own with her. She really has got a moustache. Does she not notice?
Friday October 23rd
8:00 p.m.
Tom phoned Jas and they’re going on a “date” to watch Robbie’s band. The band is called The Stiff Dylans. I bet it’s crap. I bet it’s merde. I bet it’s double merde.
Mum and Dad were talking in the kitchen and when I came in they stopped and looked all shifty. Don’t get me wrong, I like it when they shut up when I come in, well I would like it if it had ever happened before. Mum said, “Have you ever thought you’d like to see a bit more of the world, Gee?” and I said, “If you’re thinking of trying to persuade me to visit Auntie Kath in Blackpool for Christmas, you can forget it.”
I can be hilariously cutting when I try.
10:00 p.m.
No matter from what angle you look at it, I do have a huge, squishy nose.
I wonder if Mum would pay for me to have plastic surgery...? If I went to the doctor and said it was psychologically damaging, to the extent that I couldn’t go out or do my homework, I wonder if I could have it done on the NHS?
Then I remember to have a reality check... I don’t have the George Clooney-type doctor from ER – the caring, incredibly good-looking face of medicine. I’ve got Dr Wallace, the incredibly fat, red, uncaring face of medicine. It’s hard enough getting an aspirin out of him when you’ve got flu.
11:00 p.m.
Jas rang. She had a great time with Tom.
“Did he bring you a present, a bunch of leeks or something?” I asked meanly but Jas refused to come down from cloud nine.
She said, “No, but he’s a brilliant dancer. The Stiff Dylans were ace. Robbie is a cool singer.”
I had to ask in a masochistic way. “Was Lindsay there?”
Jas said, “Yes, she was, she’s quite nice really, she had her hair up.”
I was furious with Jas for being so disloyal and said, “Oh, it’s nice that you’ve made new friends. I can’t help thinking though, that as Lindsay’s BEST friend you could advise her that people with massive ears should not wear their hair up.”
I put the phone down on her.
Midnight
Qu-est ce que le point?
Monday October 26th
7:00 p.m.
I’ve been ignoring Jas. It’s tiring, but someone has to do it.
Thursday October 29th
5:00 p.m.
In Slim’s office today for a bit of a talking-to. Honestly, she has no sense of humour whatsoever.
The main difficulty is that she imagines we are at school to learn stuff and we know we are at school to fill in the idle hours before we go home and hang around with our mates doing important things. Life skills, like make-up and playing records and trapping boys.
Anyway, it was just one more little, trivial thing.
We had to have our school photo taken, all of the fourth form and the teachers together. Even including Herr Kamyer, the rogue male. Ellen and Jas, Jools and Rosie Mees and me were all in the back row because we are the tallest. Well, we’ve started this new craze which is based around those old TV puppet shows Stingray and Supercar. Rosie has all the old videos which we watch. We know all the key phrases like “Fire retro rockets” and “Calling International Rescue”. And we walk around all stiffly like we are being worked (badly) by puppeteers. At the moment we are concentrating on Marina Aquamarina. She was part of an underwater kingdom, well her dad was the king of it, but they were being threatened by these horrible fish people (no they didn’t wear codpieces but it would have been excellent if they did).
Anyway, Marina Aquamarina floated around underwater with her blonde hair trailing behind her and her arms all flopping by her side. All the boys really liked her, especially because she was dumb – when anyone spoke to her she just blinked in an appealingly dumb way. So