but had carried on staring straight at Fletch’s neck, which was just about at eye level for her, lost in some kind of trance. Or overpowered by his liberal use of Lynx. Ginger and I glanced at each other, wondering what to do, and I remember the panicked look in poor Fletch’s eyes, like a small animal in a snare. He thought he was going to be consumed. Eventually, Ginger pulled on Fletcher’s arm, saying, ‘You can move, you know’, and Julia had wandered hazily away.
‘Oh my God, how gone was she?’ Ginger had stage whispered, then giggled. Adam had tried, unsuccessfully, to eviscerate her with his eyes, before stalking off after Julia.
So a few months later on my birthday, Ginge had been fidgety with interest, waiting to see what was going to happen. ‘Oh God, I hope she gets stoned again,’ she kept repeating, much to Fletch’s annoyance. ‘Oh shut up moaning, Fletcher. Don’t pretend you didn’t enjoy it.’
‘I fucking well didn’t,’ he snarled, and opened his mouth to elaborate on the awfulness of it all. Then closed it abruptly as Adam joined us.
‘What are you all talking about?’ he’d asked, taking his jacket off.
Ginger had grinned. ‘Remember on your birthday?’ she started, but I couldn’t let her continue.
‘Yeah, remember that delicious tiramisu I had?’ I cut in. ‘I was just wondering if they did anything like that here.’
Ginger had frowned at me, but I ignored it. Talking about Adam’s family was completely off the agenda. Particularly his mother. I didn’t need that lesson twice.
‘Um, Julia,’ I start now, not because I have anything at all to add to this awkward rambling, but just to cut her off so I can ring my own parents, ‘do you want me to pop round and see you both? Today? So we can talk about this properly?’
There’s a brief pause, then she’s off again. ‘Oh, yes, yes, it would be wonderful to see you, love. I want to talk to you about my idea, Ray won’t listen, he’s just gone into a trance, with his headphones on, you know, that’s his way of dealing with things. But he’ll definitely want to see you too. Yes, it will help to have you here. When are you coming?’
I close my eyes. I have never been to Julia and Ray’s place without Adam. In fact, I’ve never been in their company without him. I offered to go out of duty, really, and didn’t really expect her to take me up on it. She’s never shown much interest in me before. But at least we’ll have a good, solid conversation starter. ‘I’ll leave as soon as I can,’ I tell her. ‘Probably within an hour.’
After we’ve hung up, I realise I don’t have any means of getting there as my normal ride is currently languishing in Linton, so I sit down on the sofa next to Ginger, who is now glued to SpongeBob SquarePants.
‘Ginge, you’ve got to drive me.’
She turns to me with her thirteen-year-old’s face and says, ‘Why do I? And more to the point, where?’
‘I’ll tell you in the car. Come on, make yourself decent. You can use my toothbrush.’
Twenty minutes later, we’re pulling up outside the house. I had to drive in the end, as Ginger claimed to be too ill. We get out of the car slowly and carefully – Ginge with a poorly head, me with almost overwhelming reluctance – then stand together on the pavement for a few moments, trying to get up the nerve to go in. At least one of the people inside that house is going to be sympathetic to Adam’s position here, and I’m not sure I can stomach it.
‘Don’t just stand there like buffoons,’ Ray says suddenly from the front lawn, ‘come inside. Julia’s desperate to see you.’
We both start a little, neither of us having spotted the grown man standing right in front of us. We both greet him with a dutiful cheek-peck, and follow him in through the open front door. As we enter, I feel immense gratitude for the fact that Ginger is here with me. I’m not one of those selfless kinds of friends for whom a descent into hell is made more bearable by the knowledge that at least all their friends and loved ones are not there to endure it also. I need as many people around to support me as I can get.
Ray leads us into the living room, and there in front of us is Julia.
I’m shocked at the sight of her and find myself staring to take it all in. She’s absolutely immaculate. She is dressed smartly and conservatively as usual in navy trousers, a pale pink blouse and a navy and white patterned scarf looped loosely round her neck. Her hair is washed and smooth. Her make-up is flawless. Her hands, one on her chest, even have polish on the fingernails. There isn’t one thing out of place. I am absolutely staggered.
‘Hi Julia,’ I hear Ginge saying next to me as she moves forward to kiss Julia’s cheek and give her a brief hug. Oh, yes, good idea. Can’t believe I didn’t do that first.
‘Hi Julia,’ I say then, and move in to repeat Ginger’s actions. ‘How are you doing? You look very well.’
‘Oh I’m not well, Gracie, I’m not at all well. How could I possibly be? I’m a complete wreck.’
She really isn’t. ‘Oh dear …’
‘Well what did you expect? Of course I’m going to be a mess, my only son has disappeared off to who knows where, probably dead in a ditch somewhere, or dying, panting his last breath right now, this very second, wishing his mummy would just come and get him and take him home.’
‘Now what would you two girls like to drink?’ Ray cuts in jovially at this point and we both turn to find him grinning in the doorway. ‘Tea? Or something stronger?’
‘I’ll have one, Raymond,’ Julia replies, and I notice for the first time that the hand not pressed dramatically to her chest is wrapped firmly around a glass. She holds it out to Ray. ‘Water please.’
Ginger glances at me as if to say, ‘Water? Really?’ but I think that’s unfair. Julia’s had a terrible shock and anyway it could well be water. I turn to Ray gratefully. ‘A cuppa would be lovely, thanks Ray.’ I go over to the sofa to sit down, and thankfully both Ginger and Julia follow suit.
‘I’ve not been sleeping, I’ve not been eating, I must look like skin and bone by now,’ Julia announces. ‘I must look like absolute death.’
Ginger and I both make the soothing sounds of denial, while discreetly taking in Julia’s healthy, fresh-faced youthfulness and groomed coiffure.
‘No, no,’ she insists, ‘I look dreadful. I’m grey, I’m sallow, I’m shadowy and I’m thin.’
‘You’re really not—’
‘I am.’
There’s a brief pause while Julia tips her completely empty glass back as far as she can and sucks the air out of it, as if she might absorb some fumes from it that she’s missed before. I’m longing for Ray to come back so that I can at least hold a cup of tea.
‘Did Gracie tell you about my idea?’ Julia bursts out again, addressing Ginger.
‘Um, no, she didn’t.’ Ginger turns slowly to me. ‘Why didn’t you tell me, Gracie?’
‘I didn’t … I mean, I haven’t … It wasn’t …’
‘I had a vision, you see,’ Julia goes on, undaunted. ‘Well, no, that’s not right, it wasn’t really a vision. It was more a kind of … auditory vision. If that exists.’
‘An ausion?’
‘Shut up, Ginger.’
‘What was that? What did she say?’
‘Doesn’t matter, Julia. Go on.’
‘Well. Yes, I heard this noise. During the night. I couldn’t sleep. I haven’t been able to sleep properly since … Well, since everything happened with, um …’ She glances up at me and for a horrible moment I’m convinced she’s forgotten her own son’s