head with him and put everything behind us…” Billy’s eyes looked into mine as if he tried to judge my thoughts. “We’ve made up, Lind… and then we saw you and I knew I could never move on until you did too.”
All the pain trapped inside me raced to the surface. I couldn’t. That wasn’t a choice I had.
Tears rolled down my cheeks.
I wish…
Billy leaned over and his arms came around me. I rested my head on his shoulder, my arms about his neck. I needed someone to hug.
Billy’s arms and shoulders were really muscular. His body mass was double the size of Jason’s. He’d played football at school and college, and he’d studied sports and become a personal trainer. All that strength and solidity was reassuring.
But that’s what had got me into all the bullshit I’d fallen into back in the fall.
But I didn’t want to think of that. I just let him hold me while I reveled in the comfort and security.
Billy gave good hugs.
This was worth so much more than any conversation on a psychiatrist’s couch, or medication. Relief bloomed inside me, aching.
I’d needed to be held by someone outside my family.
His fingers combed through my hair. “Did you mean to end it, or were you crying out for help?”
I didn’t lift my head and didn’t answer. The ache of comfort was gone and instead the forest fire of guilt flared. I wouldn’t admit the truth; the truth was too awful. I didn’t have a good reason to give in.
The psychiatrist had told me, “Everyone has burdens to carry, and you shouldn’t feel guilty.” She’d said, “It’s stopped being about choice, the chemicals in your body are all muddled up so you can’t think straight.” I was on happy pills, and counseling now, and she’d promised me I’d feel better and I’d get out the other side.
I didn’t want to.
“Why did you go to Jason’s store…?” Billy’s fingers ran through my hair. I felt like a kid being comforted. It took me back years; to the years I’d been happy.
Why? I didn’t answer. He probably thought it was for revenge. It wasn’t. My life had been there, I’d worked there for years, been Jason’s second half for years.
Who was I now? What was there to do?
“I’m sorry, Lindy. If you let me help, I’ll make everything up to you.”
He had nothing to make up, not really, everything that had gone wrong between him and me was my fault.
“Do you want to get away for a while? Just for a couple of weeks even? I swear to God, there’ll be nothing in it. No expectation on my part at all.”
I needed help. I needed to escape. Just until I could get back on track. “Yeah.”
His hands gripped my shoulders and moved me back. He looked like he didn’t believe what I’d said. “Yeah?” His voice questioned.
“Yeah.” I nodded, my vision clouding with tears. I needed to go somewhere and pretend my life wasn’t what it was––for a short vacation. “I’ll have to speak to the psychiatrist, though. When do you want to go?”
He smiled. Billy was so nice, his heart shone right out of his eyes along with his smile. He hurt for me. We’d been close, before everything went wrong. This was him trying to put it right again. But nothing could ever be right.
Tears rolled onto my cheeks as the flames of guilt flickered.
Mom…
Billy held me against his chest. His big, solid arms fencing me in and holding the world out.
I felt better, like I had in the fall… And look where that had got us.
I pulled away, looking at the house. Mom must be at the window. This wasn’t her fault.
“What about Saturday, two weeks’ time?” Billy’s voice came out husky. “I’ll cancel my client appointments. You get everything agreed with the hospital and your Mom and Dad, and we’ll just get out of here for a bit, so you can escape all this shit?”
“Thank you, Billy. You’re a good guy, you know that?”
He gave me an apologetic smile. “We both know that’s not true. But I will be now. I swear, Lind, just friends…”
“I better go back in.” I wiped my face on my sleeve, trying to wipe off the tracks of tears so Mom wouldn’t see them, but it wiped my foundation off too. I hoped my mascara hadn’t run. “Text me.”
“I’ll let you know what time I’ll pick you up.”
“Okay.” I tried to smile, then turned away, opened the door and slipped out of his SUV. I didn’t look back as I crossed the road and ran up to the house.
When I let myself in, Mom stood by the window. I knew she’d been watching.
“You okay?” she asked.
I nodded, “Yeah.” But I didn’t stay in the living room. I walked on to my room, threw myself face-down on the bed and sobbed some more.
I was so messed-up and selfish.
Billy didn’t need the burden of a broken girl, I shouldn’t have said yes. He’d been ready to move on.
The forest fire of guilt flared and consumed everything else.
Billy
I slipped the SUV into drive and pulled away, my heart a boulder in my chest.
What that girl did to me! If Jason knew half the things I’d imagined over the last five years he wouldn’t have called me to meet up and wet his kid’s head.
Fuck.
Jason and I had messed her up.
This was a pile of shit.
When I walked in the door back home a lot later than I’d usually come in, my kid sister, Eva, called, “Hey, Billy!”
“Hey, Eva.” I lifted a hand.
“Where have you been?” Mom asked as I walked through the living room.
“At the gym.”
“You work out all day. You can’t have spent that long at the gym. You’re hiding something! I bet you’ve got a girl!” Eva’s passion in life was teasing me. But underneath it she loved having a much older brother to flaunt before her friends, and catch rides off of. She always gloated when I drove her to her friends’ parties. But she wasn’t a kid anymore, she was fifteen. “Don’t tell me you’ve finally given up on winning Lindy?”
I made a face at her. My family knew my trouble. In a bad moment I’d said something to Dad a couple of years ago and from then on my whole family had been a part of my secret Lindy addiction. “Nope, I saw her today.”
“Billy! I thought you’d stopped that.”
“I’m taking her away for a couple of weeks.”
“OMG!” Eva screamed.
“Is that a good thing?” Mom stood up.
“When you and that girl get together, it always ends badly, Billy.” Dad threw in his cent without moving from his armchair.
“Thanks for the enthusiasm.” I shrugged and turned away, but Eva grabbed my arm and then hugged me.
“I hope things work out. I’ll be glad for you if they do.” I gave her a squeeze then let her slip away.
“As will I,” Mom said, smiling at me.
My gaze shifted around them all. “Except this isn’t like