He needed help with Lily. At least until she was old enough to go to a daycare or preschool part-time. He and Savannah had discussed that over email. And if he went and messed with the only help he’d been able to find, and earn himself a shady reputation on top of it, he was going to be more screwed than he already was.
It was getting late, and he shouldn’t waste any more time standing around in his kitchen. He had work to do, but seeing as he didn’t have to strap Lily to his chest this morning and go about his work, trading her off between his siblings as they went through different tasks, he was going to hang around the house for a while. He needed to get Savannah established in her new role.
As if on cue her bedroom door cracked open and she appeared. Her blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail, a gray T-shirt molding over her slight, but perfect curves. She was wearing similar black leggings to the ones she’d had on yesterday.
“Good morning,” he said. “Bacon?”
“Coffee before anything,” she mumbled, stepping into the small kitchen, her gaze avoiding his a little bit too neatly.
As if it was intentional.
“How did you sleep?” he asked.
Her green eyes collided with his and he wondered if he had overstepped. Honest to God, he didn’t know how to talk to her. Three months out of the game and he was this bad at communicating with women? Or maybe the problem was he didn’t know how to communicate with a woman he was attracted to that he couldn’t touch.
He hadn’t exactly lived a life of restraint.
“I slept fine,” she said. “I feel bad that I didn’t help with Lily. Tonight I’ll be ready to take the baby monitors.”
“I might be a little bit of a tyrant,” Jackson said, “but I wanted you to start out with a good night’s sleep. No sense in us both being sleep deprived from the get-go, right?”
“Right,” she agreed.
He poured her a mug of coffee and set it in front of her. “Cream and sugar?”
“Please,” she said.
“All the food in the house is yours,” he said. “My stepsister, Chloe, grocery shops once a week, and she does delivery. So if there’s anything you like, be sure to get it to me and I will put it on the list.”
“I can get my own groceries,” she said. “I don’t mind taking Lily to the grocery store.”
“Food is part of your pay,” he said. “It’s fine if you want the outing, but you don’t have to buy your own.”
“I appreciate that. I... I need to figure out getting a car. I have the money. I sold my car in Colorado.”
“We can work on that, too.”
“Are you a good cook?” she asked.
“I’m terrible,” he said. “Which is another thing. Chloe cooks for us sometimes, but often we fend for ourselves, and you may not like that. So, while I did not hire you to be a chef...”
“If I want to enjoy my dinner I might have to cook for both of us?”
“Just a fact,” he said.
“Good to know.”
“I’m happy to eat frozen pizza. And a lot of garlic bread. Throw a steak in a pan with some butter. I’m not picky.”
“That’s going to catch up with you someday,” she commented, eyeballing his midsection.
“Hasn’t yet,” he said. “Other things have, obviously, but not my eating habits.”
She hesitated for a moment, taking two very pointed sips of coffee. Then she put her mug down and looked at him. “By other things do you mean... Lily?”
He sighed heavily, rubbing the back of his neck. He supposed there was no way around having this conversation.
“Yeah,” he said. “I’m the last guy on earth that should be raising a baby by himself. I don’t know a damn thing about kids. And I was not exactly in a white picket fence place. But here I am. When I say I don’t know anything about babies and fatherhood, I mean it.”
“Who is her mother?”
“I know her name, but beyond that, I don’t know much,” he said, shame sliding over him when he said that.
He’d already had to explain this to his brothers, his stepsister, and to their stepmother. He’d never been bothered by his behavior before. Until this.
Because when people talked about him and his reputation it was all euphemistic. Elbowing, winking and nudging. Nobody came right out and said that he had sex with every woman he talked to in a bar, but the fact of the matter was he did. And Lily was undeniable evidence of that.
The fact that he didn’t really know her mother was further evidence of who he was. And put all out in public like that, it shamed him. Knowing that someday he would have to explain to his daughter how he’d acted bothered the hell out of him. Knowing he was the kind of man that he would never, ever want Lily to even speak to was another layer of that altogether. Because he was raising her. And he had to find a way to be better.
“So, she wasn’t your wife.”
“She wasn’t even my girlfriend,” he admitted. “I didn’t know she was pregnant. I hadn’t seen her again, not since we hooked up. And she showed up a couple of months ago with the baby. Told me that she couldn’t do it. I had a paternity test, and I have full, legal custody. Permanently. Lily’s mother gave up her rights.”
“Oh,” Savannah said, looking down.
“It’s not a great story,” he said. “But when I said I was in over my head...”
“You really meant it,” she said softly.
“I sure as hell did.”
Their eyes met and held, and he felt something stretch between them, something that was definitely mutual, and clearly unwelcome. Both for her and for him. He looked away.
“For a while I could wear her for a lot of the ranch work I do, but it’s getting harder.”
She was staring at him, a perplexed expression on her lovely face.
“Yeah,” he said. “I can’t believe those words all just came out of my mouth, either.”
“I have to admit, you don’t look like someone who would have a lot to say on the topic of baby wearing.”
“I never thought I would.” He sighed heavily. “Babies are scary. And I say that as someone who is not scared of much. But... I can’t tell you how many times a night I have to check and make sure she’s still breathing.”
“I don’t have any children of my own,” she said. “But I’ve heard that before.”
“It’s a hell of a thing.”
“Hopefully I’ll make it a little bit easier.”
“What exactly are you getting out of it?” He couldn’t help but ask. After all, she was living in his house and taking care of his daughter. He had a right to know exactly why. Another thing that was hitting him a day late and quite a few dollars short.
“Room and board? Pay?”
“I imagine you could get a job taking care of kids a whole lot of places.”
“I needed to get away,” she said.
It occurred to him then that he maybe should have done a background check on her or something. But he didn’t know how to do a background check on someone. He’d never had to. He’d never had to concern himself with anything like that, but he was letting this woman take care of his baby.
“I’m going to have to