‘I deserve it,’ said Joel.
‘No one deserves something like this to happen to them,’ said Kezzie firmly, squeezing his arm.
‘No?’ said Joel. ‘I was a lousy husband to Claire, and a useless dad to Sam. There isn’t a day goes by when I wish I’d done things differently.’
‘What did you do that was so bad?’
‘I wasn’t there for Claire when she needed me,’ said Joel. ‘I can see that now. But at the time I thought Claire wasn’t interested. She was so wrapped up in the baby it was as if I didn’t exist. It’s pathetic for a grown man to admit, but I was jealous.’ He laughed hollowly. ‘How crap is that. Being jealous of a baby?’
‘Isn’t that quite common?’ said Kezzie. ‘I know Richard said the same when his daughter was born, but he got over it and you would have. You didn’t know Claire was going to die.’
‘But she did die, and every day I’m left with this terrible guilt, that I let her down and she never really knew how much I loved – love her.’
He looked so desolate Kezzie leant over and pecked him on the cheek. The poor bloke. What an awful thing to happen to anyone.
‘You’re way too hard on yourself,’ she said. ‘From where I’m sitting, you’re doing a great job with Sam. And I can’t imagine you being such a bastard as all that. Sounds a bit like Claire wasn’t always sympathetic to your needs.’
‘I’ve never thought of it like that before,’ said Joel.
‘Well, you should,’ said Kezzie, sipping her coffee. ‘I’ve had friends with baby brain, and they go off the planet for months, obsessed with the way their little darlings are behaving. It’s infuriating for a friend, so I can imagine how frustrating it is for a partner. Point is they get over it and Claire would have done. You were just unlucky, that’s all.’
‘I suppose you’re right.’ Joel toyed with the cup in his hands. He only looked half convinced.
‘I am,’ said Kezzie. ‘Do you think Claire would really want you to go through the rest of your life moping? What’s done is done. Learn by it and move on.’
Joel looked up at her and smiled, as if something had suddenly dawned on him.
‘You are amazing, Kezzie,’ he said. ‘I’ve never known anyone like you.’
She felt a little thrill when he said that. It felt like a long time since a man had paid her a compliment and she was flattered. She gave him a quick hug as a thank you, and then pulled away, feeling shy and awkward, but Joel pulled her back. It was a long time since she’d been held by anyone and it felt warm and comforting, and right. The months of aching empty loneliness seemed to fade away as she looked up into Joel’s eyes. She was aware of the stubble where he hadn’t shaved, and the heavy musky scent of him. She had the sudden heady feeling that she wanted him very badly. So when he leant over and brushed his lips against hers it seemed natural to respond, and suddenly they were kissing with a passion that she’d forgotten she was capable of.
For a few moments Kezzie was lost in the kiss, without thinking about the consequences, but as she withdrew, panting slightly, it dawned on her this was a mistake.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Not that it wasn’t nice. Or that Joel wasn’t lovely, because both were true. Joel was the first man she’d kissed since Richard, and it was good to know that all the parts were still in working order. But it couldn’t work between them. They were too different. Kissing Joel was a big mistake.
Joel must have clearly thought the same, because he broke away from her abruptly.
‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,’ he said. He grabbed his coat and rushed out of the house, leaving Kezzie spinning.
Chapter Sixteen
Kezzie timed her arrival at work the next day for after Joel had left. She felt on the whole it would be better to ignore the events of the night before. It had been stupid and naive of her to invite him in for coffee, but she’d come to think of him as a mate, and really hadn’t factored on him thinking of her differently. It was just loneliness and boredom that had led them both to cling to one another. Much as she liked Joel she didn’t think they were right for each other. And she doubted that he was thinking of her as anything other than one of his many conquests. From what Lauren had told her, Joel had spent the last year going out with half the women in the village, and she was probably just the latest.
‘Way too much baggage,’ she said out loud, as she wheeled a laden barrow down the path.
Now that Kezzie had gone through all Edward’s designs, she had been able to work out her own, and today she planned to peg it out, so that she could finally start planting out the pattern that she’d designed on graph paper. The garden wouldn’t be properly established for the Summer Fest, it would take several years for that, but at least people would be able to get a flavour of what Edward’s garden had looked like.
It was a windy warm spring day. The daffodils, which had popped up unexpectedly in the corners of the borders, were looking slightly flattened, and the buds on the fruit trees, which clustered around the bottom of Joel’s garden, were looking slightly frazzled. But the birds were singing lustily; Kezzie had already identified a cuckoo and there was evidence that blue tits were nesting in the oak tree she’d climbed up the first time she’d seen the garden. Spring was definitely in the air, and putting aside her confused emotions about Joel, Kezzie felt a thrill of excitement that she could start working on and reproducing Edward’s garden.
Kezzie had followed Edward’s basic design of interweaving ivy and rosemary, with a heart shape in the middle incorporating the letters E and L. In the four corners she’d also replicated the shapes of crossover hearts, the middle of which was for the flowers that Edward had planted for each of his children: agapanthus, snowdrops, white carnations and peonies. For Lily and Edward she’d combined blue hyacinths (constancy – which she felt was appropriate for Edward) and white lilies (purity – for Lily). She also wanted to plant a pink rose bush to symbolize their married love. Round the borders she planned to plant forget me nots and gloxinia, just as Edward had done, but for now she had planted heartsease, so at least there was some colour.
Kezzie had been glad to discover that Lily and Edward had finally managed to have children. It was clear from Lily’s diaries the pain that being childless had caused. Though Kezzie had never had any desire to have children of her own, it would have taken a heart of stone not to have felt the pain of Lily’s loss.
As she worked, Kezzie took photographs to chart her progress. Once she’d got the plants in, the garden would really take shape. Kezzie smiled, pleased at her hard work. It had been a labour of love to get this far, but she knew it would be worth it.
Despite the wind, the work soon made her warm, and she quickly shed her fleece. After several gloomy days the sun had managed to put in a pale appearance, despite the clouds scudding fast across it. It was probably as pale as she was. Richard had always teased her about being a pale ghost, (which with her dark hair and fair skin was not surprising), putting it down to all her night-time gardening activities.
Richard. Kezzie sat back on her haunches. If anything, last night had proved to her how far she had to go with Project Get Over Richard. It had been nice kissing Joel, and he wasn’t at all unattractive, but he wasn’t Richard, and as soon as she’d kissed Joel, Kezzie realized how much she was missing Richard – still. Richard was someone she couldn’t forget in a hurry.
When they’d first met she’d thought he was a terrible snob – but she soon realized that what appeared to be diffidence was actually shyness. Once she got to know him she’d discovered that despite a tendency to stuffiness, he had a great sense of fun, and was also immensely kind.
Kezzie sighed, and dug her fork into the ground, and carried on turning over the soil. Richard was in her past. She needed to accept it and get over him. Joel wasn’t the right person to do that with, clearly,